Searching for the Answers...

So today I received my first bonus ever! It actually marks my first year working in a full-time position (funny I've never even worked 35 hours in my current position). I like bonuses...they are a nice, unexpected little treat to cover all the additional holiday expenses. I'm also expecting a raise next week...yay! Of course my bonus is nothing compared to G's, but still more than I had before. Tonight I met G at a sports bar after work to watch the game and had a super strong drink. I haven't really drank anything since August, so I forgot how good a buzz feels. Although, I hate the feeling in the morning when I drink too much. I feel so relaxed and carefree; such a change from my normally serious, uptight self (yeah I can admit it!). I don't quite feel carefree enough to write my true thoughts at the moment though, since my buzz has all but dissipated. If I drink more, I will be up another few hours and I really need to deal with my "maintenance issues"

Lately G and I have been doing well. His parents visited us for a week over Thanksgiving and I am thankful they are gone! I think them driving us crazy, drove G and I closer. His dad wanted to sit on his ass all day and watch TV or sit in the coffee shop. I couldn't believe he didn't want to do anything, so we drug them around and I think they actually enjoyed themselves (although they would never do anything less than bitch). I had my 2nd CT scan last week and it revealed I have a sinus infection! How crazy- I need a damn CT scan to reveal I have a sinus infection, although outwardly I have no symptoms other than chronic congestion, which I've had my entire life. So does this mean I have a chronic sinus infection? So now I have to see a ENT (ear, nose, & throat) Dr. and I still don't know why? Is there something someone isn't telling me or are my doctors smoking crack? I'm a little pessimistic because I can't understand why I have to see my doctor, an a

I've openly shared my opinion about this topic on numerous occasions and think I owe it to some readers to explain my position, given I seem to have offended more than a few people... Ten years ago I prayed my parents would divorce. I hated my dad with a passion for being an abusive alcoholic who cheated on my mother. I begged her to divorce him so she could find someone who would treat her the way she deserved. I though we would be so much happier without him in our lives. Ten years later I feel ashamed for thinking such things about my family and for wanting my mom to take the easy way out of a commitment she vowed to keep. I have since forgiven my father and slowly see their relationship blossoming. My father no longer drinks and his fling committed suicide several years ago. I am guessing he won't think about an affair again. He has started to open up to the idea of God and even attends church on occasion. Seeing my mom happy makes the years of hell she went through seem li

I've been to several medical appointments in the last few weeks. I saw an allergist...finally, and learned I'm no longer allergic to some staple foods (yay). Unfortunately, I am allergic to dogs, as I suspected. I have a follow up appointment in two weeks where I will learn more information. I also saw a fertility specialist who started me on fertility treatments. G is also being checked to ensure he isn't "shooting blanks". I am so happy the doctor gave me an alternative to two surgeries I thought I was going to schedule last week. I hope something works...? In one respect I really want a child, yet I am so afraid. The doctor gave me 0 days notice to start on the medication since I was at the correct day of my cycle. I freaked out and completely took it out on G. I said things I now regret and feel terrible. I know I was afraid to take such a huge step when I still feel indifferent about our relationship. I know he feels the same way as I do. He told me he was se

This song perfectly describes how I feel... Cant run away from love if you cannot feel Everything falls apart in a tragedy I am so far away from gone I just wanna be here Everyone forms apart in my symphony Can you feel this in your heart Can you take it to your soul I dont want you to pretend I dont wanna be alone Feels like im torn apart And i cannot bleed Caught in the web you made This just cant be real I am so far away from gone I just wanna be here Everyone falls apart in this tragedy I dont wanna be alone Inside ive changed Everyday i'll live through this alone "Cold - Feel It In Your Heart" Lyrics

I'm the saddest when I'm forced to confront what I've/we've become and when I've lost hope for what I/we can achieve in the future.

Previously from January 2006 post. In no specific order; my resolutions (written 1-06) for now... Learn HTML by DECEMBER - I lost my motivation on this one and could care less whether I learn it or not. Keep in FREQUENT contact with family and friends ie: a minimum of weekly w/ mom & sister and monthly or bi monthly with grandparents, dad, friends, & brother.- I've been doing well calling my mom, but haven't really called anyone else. I can't seem to find the time. Read the bible DAILY - OOPS! Was this really on my list? I guess I may have read it maybe 7 days so far. I just can't get into it for some reason. Improve my diet DAILY by: taking daily multi-vitamin, eating at least 2 meals per day, and one serving of fruit and vegetables. - Uhh, I take a vitamin about 3 x/week, eat 2 meals a day, plus many junk food sancks, and am lucky if I ever eat a fruit or vegetable, which I still need to work on. Although, I have been eating some vegies and fruits in the las

For two weeks I haven't been able to sleep restfully. The last two nights I've been plagued by dreams of J. I feel so much pressure to run I can hardly breathe. One of my friends was just diagnosed with stage 4 kidney cancer and given less than 6 months to live. I wish I could take his place, because I don't know how I can go on living a lie. It isn't fair for him to die when he is in love with his wife and has a 1 year old daughter. I feel as if I have nothing but the illusion I created for myself. Today at church we had to write down what we were before and after Christ. I said "depressed (anger turned inward) and bitter" and "forgiven and free". Honestly, I still feel depressed, angry, guilty, and unworthy. For once in my life I wish I could break free from the chains of pain and hopelessness. I don't know why thoughts of J have become so overwhelming lately; and I feel so guilty every time thoughts of him flood my mind. I try to block them ou

I feel I am getting older and should have accomplished so much more than I have. Thus, I have been racking my brain and exploring as many options as possible to expand my career options and opportunities for the future. I currently have a specific, yet general degree in my field. Although I love my current job, I couldn't make a living on my own and unfortunately similar programs are not offered in my home state. The opportunities to make more than I do now, are slim, even in 10 years. As a SLP I could attend 3 more years of college starting fall 2007 and double my salary in my current location, yet receive only a 10% increase in my home state. I decided the option wasn't feasible if I ever planned to move home. Yesterday my mom sent me a job opening in my hometown with a salary 3 times my current income! The problem arises because I do not have a teaching certification or M.ed, thus I couldn't be considered at this time. BUT...I could get my M.ED or similar online in less

Last week was terrible! We attempted to go to the "Divorce Proof Your Marriage" class at church and I didn't even last for half the class before I walked out during a break and walked home. One of the ground rules requested individuals to not insult or be rude to their spouse, but I felt like G completely insulted me when we had to share what first attracted us to our mate. I couldn't believe he would do such a thing in front of so many people. Before we even went I was seriously contemplating ending the hell I call marriage because he lied to me again when I could clearly prove his lie wrong. He still looked at me and lied over and over again. After completing research I realized if I do divorce him I have a great chance of getting alimony, which would solve many of my financial problems. I gave up my education in a much higher paying field so he could be an engineer. In return I am stuck with a low paying job unless I obtain my Master's degree, which will take m

Reasons why I can't and won't settle with G any longer: Habitual liar. Won't even admit when lying point blank to my face. Twists his so called truth, cheats, steals, and uses any tactic possibly to get what he wants when he wants it. A complete slob. Won't clean up after self to any degree, leaves clothes, dishes, tools, messes for others to clean up. Refuses to take responsibility for own actions and refuses to admit when wrong. Treats me like shit. I am the least important thing in his life and poker, work, friends, money, dogs, and phone come first. Treats me like a maid. Refuses to help with any chores. I clean the entire house, do the yard work, pay the bills, wash clothes, balance the budget, do all the shopping, care for the dogs (brush, bathe, feed, clean up after, shop for, schedule vet appointments) Justifies everything he does because I've done worse. I can't change G and can't accept him for who he is and has become. What my freedom will result

Yesterday my tire blew out as I was driving down the highway . I could not stop for several miles, but was finally able to pull off safely. I called G and roadside assistance. I waited for 1.5 hours before the roadside assistance responder finally arrived. I hopefully assisted him with the spare and waited...and waited. Finally the guy told me he could not change my tire because the lug nuts were over tightened and stripped. He then left me again stranded on the side of the road in the middle of farm fields. I again called roadside assistance who said they would send out a tow truck this time and the wait would be another 1.5 hours! I waited and waited some more twiddling my thumbs until G arrived 2 hours from my initial strandation. He thankfully took me home a little after 5 pm. (I am a little agrivated with him though because he normally arrives home around 3:30 and didn't get home until after 5 pm! In addition it took him two hours to come home from when I initially called him

Uhhh... I feel better today, not so angry. I think I just felt completely overwhelmed yesterday. My kitchen is almost completed and clean (thank goodness!).

To say the least, this weekend has not been the best. As I sit typing with my ears ringing I find myself angry beyond words. I feel so angry I can feel the pressure on my heart and every part of my body. I have to mentally tell myself to take each breath. I wish I could break down and cry, but don't feel safe letting my walls down because G will use my weakness against me. I honestly didn't know I could possibly hold so much hatred and animosity towards any living thing, but feel so enraged towards G. I don't know exactly why either, because everything that happened is nothing new for us, but maybe the culmination of numerous irritants over the past three days has pushed me beyond my breaking point. On Friday we started tearing apart our kitchen to install granite countertops. We have done nothing but bicker and fight the entire weekend. In addition, G decided it would be a great idea to cut wood and cement board in our kitchen, leaving everything covered in dust, including

Yesterday I returned from my long, yet much needed vacation. Throughout my trip I was continually reminded of how much I miss my true home and family. I wish we could move back, but I must first obtain my Master's or G will have to find a job in a non-existent job market. I feel so discouraged because my degree will probably take 3 years at least and the chances of actually being accepted seem dismal (of 200+ applicants less than 30 are selected). For some reason I am an emotional wreck; I feel like my hormones are out of control right now. I struggled with thoughts of J frequently during my visit home, especially when we spent 5 days at H. lake. I spent the best weeks of my life with J at H. Lake at his uncles cabin. Every time we drove by memories plagued my mind of how happy I once felt. Ironically G and I looked at cabins and land on the same lake. With my entire being I wished to see the fruition of my dreams with J instead of G. I guess while I was on vacation J deleted his m

I must set the record straight that nothing ever happened with J (sorry if I mislead anyone). I never talked to him or made plans to see him. In the midst of my paranoia I was attempting to finally determine if G reads my online journal. If he did I'm sure I would have heard something from him, but this week was actually quite the opposite! Earlier in the week G told me his company might send him to ID for a 2 year job, which may turn into a permanent position! For some reason I wasn't upset at all. We actually dreamed of living in ID or WA early in our relationship, but after college we could not support ourselves off the low salaries in the area. It would be an awesome opportunity and we would only be a 6 hour drive from our families. I could possibly have the lake house I always dreamed of or pursue my Master's degree in SLP (I couldn't have both). As a SLP I could easily support both G and I (or myself) in my hometown, plus I would have summers off. It would be amaz

Ok, it is almost 6 pm and I haven't left my house today or even showered. We stayed up until 3 am partying with our neighbors and I am paying for it today. Amazingly I encountered someone last night who reminded me of the devastation of divorce. Her and I were the only women and she completely broke down She was such a wreck and in so much pain over her divorce. I know she had too much to drink, but I swear she cried uncontrollably for 2 hours until I finally got her to fall asleep. The "guys" were still up this morning at 9 am when G and I woke up! I would hate to be in her situation. It seemed she was desperate for anyone or anything to help her rebound. On a different note, I am so excited that I will be leaving for MT in 11 days. I will be gone for 16 days! I haven't been home since last Christmas and miss my grandparents so much. Unfortunately, I had to cut my dogs' hair today so they could enjoy camping. I am so sad their beautiful floor length coats are gon

What wonders polishing off a great bottle of vino can do (I love wine, it provides such a smooth and consistent buzz compared to the ups and downs of hard liquor- I can't believe I drank the entire bottle!) ... I wonder if I'm in over my head? I never knew I never knew that everything was falling through That everyone I knew was waiting on a queue To turn and run when all I needed was the truth But that's how it's got to be It's coming down to nothing more than apathy I'd rather run the other way than stay and see The smoke and who's still standing when it clears Everyone knows I'm in Over my head Over my head With eight seconds left in overtime She's on your mind She's on your mind Let's rearrange I wish you were a stranger I could disengage Just say that we agree and then never change Soften a bit until we all just get along But that's disregard Find another friend and you discard As you lose the argument in a cable car Hanging above as

I feel the temptation slowly creeping in AGAIN! I don't believe in divorce, thus despite my current relational problems I must try to make the best with what I have. I know I've been warned in the past to stop thinking outside the box (per say about my marriage). I can't change anyone but myself and need to accept those around me for who they are (ie. G). By the way, he did fix my tire yesterday. I need to focus on the good instead of dwelling on the negative and past. Even though I may not have been of a sane persona when I decided to marry G at the spur of a moment, I think I need to live with my mistake and make the best with what I have. The problem arises, because I am SELFISH, and only looking out for my own selfish desires, not the greater good of humanity. I believe I can choose to work with God's plan or against it, and in the end his plan will reign anyways with or without me. Why in the hell must I have such a strong subconscious? I know my life would be so d

As much as I would love to be pregnant, I had a shocking revelation last night while laying in bed. I felt an extreme sense of dread when I pondered the thought of actually being pregnant with G's child. I still can't see myself bringing a child into the world with such an irresponsible and immature person. Problem: my clock is ticking and I don't see myself leaving G any time soon. What is more selfish, not wanting to create new life in an unstable situation or wanting to create new life in an unstable situation?

Tire issues continued... Yesterday I found out I would have to wait 3.5 hours for my tires to get changed, plus a 1.5 hour commute, so I decided to wait until today to go to the tire shop. I went to the gym yesterday and fumed about G's treatment and realized he was making any and all attempts to manipulate and belittle me as he did when we first wed. To his dismay, I did not buy into his scheming tactics. I was so furious I couldn't even talk to him. He kept asking me what was wrong and what was my problem. Finally, I told him and it didn't come out nicely, to say the least. I can't remember the last time I really yelled at him, but I did yesterday. Normally I would be quite shaken by him screaming at me, but for some reason it didn't phase me. I think I am emotionally disconnected from him, and much stronger mentally than I was a few years ago. I am much more dependent now, and do not rely on him for anything, as I was so nicely reminded yesterday. He had the au

Today I think I've finally reached the breaking point with G. I am so infuriated I feel like leaving and staying in a hotel for a week or more without telling G anything. It isn't that G won't clean up his messes or that he expects me to be his live-in maid...today my tolerance ran out! He usually drives my car on weekends and returns it with an empty gas tank... a big deal when I have to use my personal vehicle for my job since I see clients in their homes. Today I have 6 appointments and NEED my car. Well yesterday at church our tire was completely flat. We drove home and I asked G to fix the tire or put the spare on. He aired it up so we could go to the store. I asked him to borrow our neighbor's air compressor so he could air it up before he went to work this morning, but he refused and said he didn't need to because it would be fine. Well, he wakes me up at 6:30 am to tell me the tire is completely flat and I will have to figure something out. Yeah...what the h

Last night G and I went to Roy's (Hawaiian Fusion Cuisine)...all I can say is yum! It seems like everyone vacations to Vegas, Hawaii, or California, so I HIGHLY recommend trying this restaurant. My favorites include the Hawaiian Martini, the Alaskan halibut with Bourshin tortellini, and the melting hot chocolate souffle. Order the Prix Five if on a budget to get an appetizer, main dish, and the amazing hot chocolate souffle for one low price. For the quality of cuisine, the prices are very reasonable... especially when compared to G's favorite restaurant- Mastro's (plan to drop your mortgage payment). I guess the steak is unbeatable though...I can't say since I usually go for sea food. Ok, enough about food or I might have to go eat some more. Now, the real reason I'm writing a post... After dinner, while chatting in the lobby, G asked me why I was staring at him so awkwardly. I was actually zoning out and trying to look at G from an outsider's perspective. I

I will apologize in advance to any males who may be reading this and the last entry about menstruation (who feel uncomfortable about female physiology). I feel my recent freedom from pain completely warrants attention. I must say, after I wrote a post about a week ago about the severity of my ailments, I feel much better. I was literally at the bottom, and felt I could no longer tolerate living such a miserable existence. Since then I've continued to feel much better. My allergy symptoms have diminished immensely and my period has been amazing. I've never felt this good during menstruation in my entire life!!!!!!!! I actually went to my total body conditioning class and was able to fully participate, I worked and didn't have to cancel any appointments, and I shampooed all the carpets in my house. I am in complete disbelief...I should be in bed with debilitating pain, so pumped with pain killers I can't think or walk straight. No matter how much pain medication I consum

Well, if today hasn't been fairly interesting... First I wake up dizzy and groggy in a puddle of blood. I must have lost at least 1/2-1 cup, which is a lot for me. All I could say was "hmm, this isn't normal". The greatest thing is that I wasn't in pain this morning. My period was about 2 weeks late, and I wasn't expecting it for at least another week since I usually suffer in extreme pain for 1-2 weeks prior to starting. Then, I definitely know when I am starting because I have at least 2 hours of debilitating pain, yet I had none this morning! This is the first time in my life I haven't been in excruciating pain and I feel so wonderful! I'm asking myself what could be wrong with me because I can move. I've only taken about 1500 mg of IB profin today (half of normal) and I have half the pain. I am so elated. I hope this is actually my period. So after I took a shower and decided to make a hearty breakfast to combat my unusually large blood loss, m

Here is my list of my favorites for summer. I love summer! Dove Irresistible Raspberry Ice cream ... absolutely orgasmic! Online savings account from HSBC with 5.05% APR, plus $25 gift card from Best Buy (compare to 0.5 at most banks) Ben & Jerry's Oatmeal Cookie ice cream - the best of hot and cold in one...yum! Lovable, cuddly Maltese - I just can't get enough of my precious puppies. Ben & Jerry's Mint Cookie ice cream - contains entire cookies, not the flimsy flakes found in most cookie ice cream. Cash back credit cards . Citi has one that offers 5% back on ALL gas, grocery, and drugstore purchases, plus 1% on everything else, plus a $100 sign-on bonus. Pay off the balance each month for some easy fast cash, plus Microsoft Money will automatically import your card statement for easy budgeting. I buy EVERYTHING with a credit card and pay my bills too. Credit cards are awesome, they even provide protection guarantees for every purchase if the merchant fails to ret

I obtained this idea from a fellow blogger and thought it would be interesting to actually write oddities down, but found the process very difficult. I switched majors 3 times in college, yet still managed to graduate with my Bachelor's in 3 years with straight A's. I shot my first buck (male deer with horns) at the age of 12 from 500 yards away. It fell so fast I thought I missed. I grew up on a farm and had to lift hay bales twice my size. I am an avid outdoor woman. I can save money extremely well. I have been on NBC, MTV, E!, and in several movies. I made more per hour than my parents in high school and paid cash for my first car. I met all 8 of my great grandparents. All my grandparents are still living. My mom almost died of cancer at the age of 30, and I fear I may have the same cancer, especially since my last doctor referred me to a cancer specialist. I haven't been to a doctor since. If I don't' know how to do something, I figure it out. I am 5'3"

Lately my allergy symptoms have become unbearable. Although I take allergy medication 24 hours a day for 365 days out of the year I can no longer manage my allergies. My eyes are constantly running and on fire, my nose won't stop running, and I can't even breathe out of my nose. In addition, I feel incredibly drowsy. I've tried every prescription and over the counter allergy medication to no avail. I just don't know what to do anymore. I feel as if the physical suffering never ends. It seems that brushing and bathing my puppies exacerbates my symptoms. I've asked G on numerous occasions to help with these tasks, yet he refuses. I would be heartbroken if I had to give up my precious puppies due to allergies. He told me yesterday he won't ever give them up, yet expects me to still groom them daily and suffer with my severe symptoms. He can be such an inconsiderate ass! He usually asks me how I am feeling every day and then asks what he can do to make me feel bette

Last weekend I read my entire journal and realized it was almost one year since I told G the truth about J. I convinced myself there was no way G could have possibly dreamed the dreams he did one year ago because everything he said was exactly what I wrote in my journal and more. I wrote a few posts, which I won't post now, with an attempt to finally force G to reveal he has been reading my journal. I felt infuriated that he could continue lying to me when I told him the truth about J. After heated conversations and me revealing small pieces about my anger, G finally told me he found my journal, but only read a small portion. He said he didn't want to read it without me present and without my permission. He said in his dreams he watched someone create a file on our computer "named for what it was"? We were both confused at the time, but he told me he found the hidden file on our computer named "Hurts!" several months ago (yeah... he didn't tell me!). I n

I can't believe how naive I am. Last night I read my entire journal and realized G only pretended to have dreams outlining my relationship with J, while using my faith and self discovery against me in the process. In reality I know without a doubt that he read my journal and denied he did on numerous occasions. I should have read it over a year ago, because I didn't even remember what I wrote half the time. Every single detail G knew that I thought I didn't write in my journal is written plain as day. What an F-ing liar! I am so angry. I see myself staying with G but need to devise a way to force him to finally tell the truth. After careful scheming and thinking I've devised a plan to use my blog against him. Two can play the game! Thus, this post won't be published until my plan has succeeded. Since I don't write very often any more I don't know how frequently G reads my journal, so my plan will take several weeks to go into effect.

So, a few days ago, just as I realized I've been taking advantage of all the blessings in my life and pondering over how much I love my life; G shatters my reality...again (see previous post) ! He tells me he found an awesome job that is sure to pan out in our home state. He wants to apply and risk loosing his upcoming raise and promotion. In addition, we agreed we would live in our current home for at least 2 years before moving. Thus, we have yet another argument over the issue. I don't want to move home yet! I am the happiest I've ever been with G and he wants to risk everything we have over his own selfish desires. He wants to move to our college town where I spent the most depressive years of my life. I spent a huge portion of life consumed by thoughts and attempts at suicide. I feel I could easily move backwards into the same mentality, thus I fear moving to the horrid place. Yet, I feel G could care less about my feelings on the issue. So now, we are at a stand still

I sure miss writing for me. I spend numerous hours each week writing for work so I loose my passion to focus on my own life dilemmas. Thus, I feel my bubble slowly moving to the bursting point because I haven't been allowing the steam to escape. I've been keeping all my inner turmoil, trials, triumphs, and pain locked inside. Looking at my life from a distance, I should be overwhelmingly content and happy. I have a great husband, two precious puppies, an amazing house, no financial concerns, a great church, an unbelievable job, and wonderful friends and family. So why do I still feel as if something is missing from my life? In retrospect so many things could potentially fill the missing pieces, but would I still be left with a feeling of emptiness? I don't feel depressed but may be repressing my true feelings and pain. I am so devastated I may never be able to experience the joy of being a biological mother. I keep hoping and praying a miracle will happen without medical in

Why does pain exist? What type of pain ultimately becomes more unbearable? Is it the excruciating physical pain that brings one to his/her knees and takes life's very breath away...or the emotional pain of the devastation, destruction, and loss of life from the aftermath of the physical pain? One may never know unless truly experiencing life from second to second when hope becomes the decision to take one more breath, or the feat of getting through another tireless day. To all those who have an amazing family and true friends, don't forget to thank them for making the unbearable bearable. Thank you...

For some reason I haven't felt compelled to write lately. Maybe I have been too busy since G and I have spent every weekend for the last several months in a mad attempt to finish our yard, which still isn't completed. I went on a mini vacation and spent an entire week with my parents and sister, which was great. Although, this morning I felt ready for them to leave, yet now feel so alone. It is 3 pm and I am not even out of my PJ's yet... I don't know what is wrong with me. I don't feel driven to do anything. I don't remember the last time I cried, but I feel like doing so today, but I can't. The entire time my parents were here, G irritated the heck out of me. Every time I asked him to help me with something he said no or ignored me. He went to bed every night at 8-9 pm, even when he didn't have to work, when he "supposedly" likes my family. I again felt myself feeling so disconnected from him. Maybe I was stressed having a full house? So yest

Yesterday I while sitting at my computer working I received an instant message...from J! I haven't talked to him in such a long time and don't even have him on my contact list anymore, so I felt shocked. The first thing he said was "hello beautiful". I told him he must have contacted the wrong person because we don't talk anymore. He wanted to know how I was doing and told me the new events that occurred in his life. He told me he was single again and I told him I was sorry to hear about his situation, but just wanted him to be happy. He mentioned he can't seem to find an equal again (alluding I was the only one). He of course asked how my marriage was going and I said fine, but mentioned it is awkward to talk to him because I am married now and not available. The conversation was quite brief and I felt nothing towards J during the conversation. I wanted to tell G, but decided not to since it would more than likely upset him. In hindsight I don't know wh

Lately I have been feeling content with my life. I resolved the issue with my faith and see improvement in most areas of my life. In church a few weeks ago I realized my super responsible personality negatively impacted my marriage. With every aspect of my life I always felt compelled to have a plan B, C, and D, but realized the lack of commitment to my marriage didn't create the best foundation. My "alternate" plans in my marriage included J and divorce, which I pondered from the time I said "I do". I now know in order to have a completely fulfilling marriage I must throw away the keys to my alternate plans and focus on building a committed/dedicated life with G. Since this realization, my feelings towards G have been intensifying despite our busy schedules. J was my past and G is my future. I still feel compelled to look at J's webpage very frequently, but feel my thoughts of "what could have been?" slowly dissipating. In a way I pity J because h

A few days ago I was reminded of how many times I "almost" secretly met with J with the intention of determining whether or not to end my marriage. The primary reason letting J go from my life was so difficult involved all the "ironic" events that brought us together and occurred while we were together. I believe divine intervention also occurred to keep us apart on several occasions when we planned to meet. I can remember at least 3 examples: 1. While in college he planned to drive through my town on his way home from school. We talked the night before and had everything planned, then the next day he didn't cal l. I didn't hear from him for over 1.5 months! I came to find out his orders were switched as he was leaving which placed him in a remote location for the 1.5 months, and he never did get to go home. 2. Again, on another trip home he planned to take a 4 hour detour to see me. The morning he left he instant messenged me stating he was leaving and want

I have been really struggling with my purpose in life lately. I don't know why I am here or even what to believe anymore. A recent bible study rocked the foundation I thought I stood on in regard to my faith. I have so many unanswered questions, and can't seem to find answers I can believe. I hate feeling lost and confused about something as important as my faith. I feel like I am such a failure that I can't even breathe without sinning and becoming more of an abomination to God, thus I wonder...what is the point of even trying to be something I wasn't created to be as a human? It seems the bible is ridden with hypocrisy...so what am I to believe. I hope I live long enough to discover the TRUTH. On the other hand, I dreamed about J again this morning...a few moments before my alarm went off an hour early. All day I pondered as to depicting my dream with words so it can remain in my mind, or merely letting it fade into the facade it more than likely was. Although I don&#

Lately, I haven't really been feeling at all, I guess not to any extreme. Maybe I am stable for once? I guess I have been feeling a bit pensive, yet missing my drive for life. G and I were supposed to go on a mini vacation last weekend, but I cancelled because the weather was supposed to be bad. We may reschedule again sometime? G and I haven't been intimate for over 2 weeks now... I am guessing it may have something to do with comments in my last post. I guess it is his problem if he isn't man enough to talk to me about his issues. At least I am trying to be honest with myself. It seems like my relationship with G is so superficial. I ask him how he is doing and I get a one word answer. He doesn't talk to me about how HE is feeling about anything. I am starting to wonder what the point is of even attempting to converse with him. I get a better response from talking to my dogs. Our backyard is finally coming together, yet we still have about 4 or more weekends left to c

I wrote this comment last, but decided it should be first because I realized why I feel so disconnected and nonchalant right now. I feel so tempted to contact J right now, but I know I can't. I shouldn't be thinking about him or pining over what could have been, so in order to prevent myself from actually following through with my thoughts I must disconnect myself from my feelings and become numb to the world (how sad). I dreamed about J last night and couldn't help thinking about him while making love to G yesterday. I think the hardest part of letting go involves seeing them move on to someone new. I did very well in separating myself from J for a few years until he called to tell me he was engaged, which sparked me almost leaving G several times. I think I went into a deep depression after I found out even though I wanted to be so happy for him. At least he is waiting to make the final commitment until he feels like he can completely commit to her. It has been 2.5 years

I sent this e-mail to G this morning. After being gone for 6 days, we spent less than 5 minutes together before he went to bed; and then started screaming at me at 5 am. I am so disgusted and disappointed in him. I do NOT deserve to be treated the way he treats me. He also told his parents and my family that he really wants the job in our home state and plans to accept it, while he told me he wasn't sure what to think, but was leaning towards staying where we are now. G~ I was completely taken aback by your attitude this morning when you learned that I did not wash your clothes. Your only thoughts were purely selfish and self centered. You treated me as if I am your live in maid only existing to serve you and meet your needs with nothing in return. You mentioned washing clothes only takes 5 minutes, but try at least 15 minutes multiplied by 4 years. Your attitude was as if you were saying how dare I not do something for you. The problem arises because I have been taken advantage of

Wow, I haven't written a post in two weeks. Life has been awesome lately, thus I don't need to utilize my outlet for stress and pain. On the other hand, I am starting to wonder if my contentment will be short lived. I can honestly say I have been the happiest I've ever been in my entire life d uring the last two months. I feel as if all aspects in my life are just as they should be. Unfortunately, G shared some news with me a few days ago that has potential to shatter my contentment . I think 6 months ago this news would have been wonderful, and I would have been thrilled; but now I feel like I am home and content. G has been in our home state for a week on a business trip. He met the owners of a very prestigious company who offered him the highest position he can possibly have in his field. The company is based in G's home town...the place he would choose to live out of anywhere in the world. Not to mention, he would be working at one of the most prestigious private s