Incomplacency.

1. I wrote this comment last, but decided it should be first because I realized why I feel so disconnected and nonchalant right now. I feel so tempted to contact J right now, but I know I can't. I shouldn't be thinking about him or pining over what could have been, so in order to prevent myself from actually following through with my thoughts I must disconnect myself from my feelings and become numb to the world (how sad). I dreamed about J last night and couldn't help thinking about him while making love to G yesterday. I think the hardest part of letting go involves seeing them move on to someone new. I did very well in separating myself from J for a few years until he called to tell me he was engaged, which sparked me almost leaving G several times. I think I went into a deep depression after I found out even though I wanted to be so happy for him. At least he is waiting to make the final commitment until he feels like he can completely commit to her. It has been 2.5 years and they still haven't even set a wedding date. I just want to know what it is like to spend one day with him without any concern for our current situations and relationships. In hindsight I imagine I would regret my decision, because it would end up hurting everyone even more in the end. I feel so sad and miss him so much. I guess I miss the person I used to know, and I doubt I will ever have a chance to know the person he may still be or has become.
2. I am sitting at my computer, bored...I should be working or go to bed, but just feel like sitting here. I haven't felt motivated to write lately...not sure why? I am guessing we won't be moving any time soon. G seemed so gung-ho on accepting the job in our home state, yet he hasn't even followed up with the company. I don't really have thoughts about the situation, other than, I wish he would do what he says he is going to do for once.
3. My birthday was last week and I spent the entire day in bed sick. I was sick for an entire week and hardly slept at all. I've had 3 nights of continuous and restful sleep the last few days and I feel so great. I can't believe how much of an impact no sleep has on my life.
4. We spent the entire weekend working on our yard...hauling a whopping 10 tons of rock by hand...wow! Thank God for our amazing and wonderful friends! We could not have done anything without them. Unfortunately, we still have at least two more weekends of work before the flagstone is completely installed.
5. In two weeks G and I are going away for the weekend. I am excited to actually spend time with G without having to worry about our never ending house projects. We really don't do anything because we work on our house every weekend and evening we are home. I just want to enjoy our backyard for once instead of it constantly being a thorn in our sides.
6. On myspace.com I added a tracking system to my page so I can see the exact location of each person who views my page. So far in the last week I think J has viewed my page several times, his fiance once, and G's ex (if G and I didn't wed, he would still be with her) also viewed several times. My initial motivation for adding the system was to determine if J was viewing my page...I didn't realize what I would or could do with the information, but guess I wanted to see if he still thought or wondered about me. I guess knowing makes moving forward with my life more difficult, because I know he still thinks about me like I think about him. I am glad he doesn't have a tracker on his page, because he would see that I view his page at least once per day. I guess I am a little obsessive, but it is like a sick addiction...I just have to.