Stepping into the Unknown
I've been to several medical appointments in the last few weeks. I saw an allergist...finally, and learned I'm no longer allergic to some staple foods (yay). Unfortunately, I am allergic to dogs, as I suspected. I have a follow up appointment in two weeks where I will learn more information. I also saw a fertility specialist who started me on fertility treatments. G is also being checked to ensure he isn't "shooting blanks". I am so happy the doctor gave me an alternative to two surgeries I thought I was going to schedule last week. I hope something works...?
In one respect I really want a child, yet I am so afraid. The doctor gave me 0 days notice to start on the medication since I was at the correct day of my cycle. I freaked out and completely took it out on G. I said things I now regret and feel terrible. I know I was afraid to take such a huge step when I still feel indifferent about our relationship. I know he feels the same way as I do. He told me he was seriously contemplating divorce (as was I) before we started our marriage class a few months ago. He said he feels much differently and more optimistic now, and I'm not sure I can say the same. I guess he seems like the better option when I consider the alternatives. Really, I don't have any alternatives because God hates divorce. I can't say I'm really happy or unhappy. I'm more or less just letting time slip away without making the best with what I have. As much as I may want a child, I have to trust that God knows the perfect timing, so I'm going to "try" and remain calm and collected.
Now, the other part falls on G. He waited over one week to get "tested", so I'm not really sure if he even wants to try for kids at this point. He won't talk to me or tell me how he feels. He doesn't want to have sex, so how can I possibly get pregnant? I think we are going on one month now and I don't understand why it doesn't seem to bother him? I know the implications point to an affair, but I don't think he would do that. Maybe I am crazy or naive, but I can't control what he does. I need to focus on being the best person I can be, which is more than enough to keep me busy.
I still think about J, but my thoughts aren't as intense. I try to block any thoughs and now realize we can't be together, even though I still think about all the "what ifs". He is still my biggest regret.
In one respect I really want a child, yet I am so afraid. The doctor gave me 0 days notice to start on the medication since I was at the correct day of my cycle. I freaked out and completely took it out on G. I said things I now regret and feel terrible. I know I was afraid to take such a huge step when I still feel indifferent about our relationship. I know he feels the same way as I do. He told me he was seriously contemplating divorce (as was I) before we started our marriage class a few months ago. He said he feels much differently and more optimistic now, and I'm not sure I can say the same. I guess he seems like the better option when I consider the alternatives. Really, I don't have any alternatives because God hates divorce. I can't say I'm really happy or unhappy. I'm more or less just letting time slip away without making the best with what I have. As much as I may want a child, I have to trust that God knows the perfect timing, so I'm going to "try" and remain calm and collected.
Now, the other part falls on G. He waited over one week to get "tested", so I'm not really sure if he even wants to try for kids at this point. He won't talk to me or tell me how he feels. He doesn't want to have sex, so how can I possibly get pregnant? I think we are going on one month now and I don't understand why it doesn't seem to bother him? I know the implications point to an affair, but I don't think he would do that. Maybe I am crazy or naive, but I can't control what he does. I need to focus on being the best person I can be, which is more than enough to keep me busy.
I still think about J, but my thoughts aren't as intense. I try to block any thoughs and now realize we can't be together, even though I still think about all the "what ifs". He is still my biggest regret.
Comments
Please, understand, I don't think you have, but I wrote all that to suggest that maybe you should ease up on yourself. I understand that divorce is not the way you'd choose to go, and I admire the efforts you're putting into your marriage, but I honestly think that God would forgive that, just as he forgives all our sins.
I'm far from perfect, but I believe that I'll have a place in the Kingdom thanks to God's redeeming grace, even if I don't follow the letter of the church's law on Earth.
Whichever way things go, I hope you never lose sight of the fact that God loves as He loves all his children, no matter how many mistakes we may make.
I agree with your thoughts and believe lusting or "impure thoughts" are a sin. I imagine God views my "thoughts" as unfaithfulness, thus I have sought to change and commit to G. I also believe God loved us so much he gave his only son Jesus so that our sins/imperfections could be forgiven if we repent and seek forgiveness. I know God is loving and forgiving, but we also must pay the consequences of our actions even if we are forgiven. I personally don't want to know what the consequences of divorce may be. God may love us all, but he won't allow us eternal life if we deliberately choose to disobey his commands.
Thanks for your thoughts.
I think it would be best for me to stop reading and commenting on your blog. I very strongly disagree with the extremely conservative view you have of God, Christ and religion in general, and I don't think it benefits either of us for me to keep on about it any more.
Thank you for sharing your thoughts with the rest of the world.
Good luck with everything. I hope it all turns out for the best.
Your comments did not hurt or offend me in any way. I actually enjoy hearing different perspectives. Sorry to see you go!