Searching for the Answers...

Well I have mixed news. First, we are first in line to get on the main list for our adoption, meaning we will soon be in the pool for birthmoms to choose from. After this great news, I felt like my luck was finally changing and I actually received positive news for once. Then, I get home and G is home super early. I ask why and he said he was laid off! I couldn't believe it. Now our income is down to 1/3 of what it was before. I thought G would decide to actually help out around the house now, but I was wrong. It has almost been one week and he has washed the dishes, unloaded the dishwasher and spent the whole week screwing off on the internet and watching tv. I'm sorry, but I have been working 80+ hours per week and I get that level of help? It really pisses me of to be frank, because I am not feeling well, needed to work less because I am so exhausted, but now I have to work more and G is a lazy ass that I am now supporting. It just really pisses me off. Now, he has been g...

I believe we've all experienced a moment in life where the sum appears greater than the sum of the parts- unfathomable, and overwhelming. How could one possibly achieve this feat that seems impossible as a whole, yet I find myself wondering every minute of the day if I can make it one more step, one more appointment, one more day? Mornings are the worst, when I feel as if I were ran over by a train; every muscle aches, and each movement reminds me of how exhausted I am, I wonder how I can possibly even get out of bed and begin the day? Last week I went to the specialist's office who has me scheduled for an appointment mid-May. I dropped off my paperwork and medical records and explained that I couldn't wait until May. I explained the new developments and she said "oh, we can see you Feb. 10th if you can be here at 6:30 am." I took the appointment and was amazed that my persistence paid off and I was able to get in 3 months sooner. She said I may still have to wa...

After this last week of unbearable pain and a trip to the ER, I am seriously wondering what is there to live for anymore? Each day is such a struggle from the constant pain and knowing that I will probably have to live with it for the rest of my life. It seems the only thing I do live for is work. I've been working 12-14 hour days and G has been out of town for the last 3 weeks. I feel so alone. At the ER they ran lots of tests and could only tell me I "might" have a bladder infection and probably had ruptured ovarian cysts. They found more cysts on my ovaries. My choices are pain management or removal of the ovaries. Then I would be put into permanent menopause, which is hell, from previous experience. The pain is so debilitating I can't even move from the fetal position for hours at a time. The pain medication does nothing for the pain, plus I can't take it and drive. I've had a few bladder infections and I don't think I have one. I do everything right a...

For some reason I feel so agitated right now, maybe it's PMS? This week has been so busy with 8 appointments today (1 in 15 minutes), so I may not get to complete my rant. I don't know why, but I have been feeling agitated every time J happens to post new pictures on his FB page. I don't even want to see them, then he messages me and asks if I happened to see his new pictures? Damn it, I don't want to see your risque pictures of you and your girlfriend! It seems that he always contacts me when his life sucks, but then never cares to tell me that it doesn't suck or what happens in between. I'm sorry, but I will not be the person to talk to just when your life sucks! Either we are friends through the good and bad or not at all. So then I wonder...did he get back with his girl friend, does life not suck anymore, etc.? Yet I don't want to ask to seem like I care, because I don't want to give the wrong impression (which he so easily gets). Part of me wants t...

On Saturday, J instant messaged me stating he was so glad I am happy, but he hates his life and his job (I think he just got his Facebook (FB) account back). I asked him what prompted his message and he said his job isn't what he expected (I think it isn't dangerous enough), and he isn't sure if he is going to stay with his girlfriend, whom he was supposedly going to propose to. He said she is constantly jealous and they always fight. It is a long distance relationship. From his FB page I can guess a few things that are going on. First, he used the button that said "no longer in a relationship", yet his gf just posted 100 pictures of them together in Europe. Thus, I imagine he is stuck in this cycle of picking long distance relationships...why? Then, whenever he gets close to a commitment he breaks up with the girl...why? I deduced the following from his page, our discussion, mixed with her comments. He told her he planned to buy her a plane ticket to Italy, when ...

I should say for my weight! I called on Tuesday to have a new order of Isocort shipped from only 40 miles away. It was supposed to be a rush order and I paid an extra $8 because I didn't have time to drive there. Well, I still haven't received it. G could have picked it up on Friday and at least had it to me on Sunday. I ran out of my Isocort on Friday and was told to not abruptly stop taking it for any reason!Well in 3 days I've lost 3 lbs. I seriously thought I was going crazy eating less than 1200 calories per day, and mainly cutting out the junk food, plus high fiber, w/o any weight loss. I've been doing this since the middle of August and gained a net of 3-5 lbs since before I started taking the Isocort.  Maybe now I can believe it was only water weight. Now that I am off, I will see if I notice a difference in energy etc.; because if I continue to feel fine, I will not take it. I really felt like I was going insane. How could I possibly gain more than I was ingest...

It doesn't seem that we will be moving forward with the little girl. I guess we have to be licensed foster parents in our state and need a new home study for our state, even though we don't need either to adopt from any other state in the US. It seems so backwards...the home study in our state won't be accepted in our state? To adopt a child that is legally free to be adopted, we have to be licensed foster parents? This adoption stuff is so frustrating. I am shaking as I write this, as I am irate with G. He has been gone all weekend, then when he comes home he picks a fight with me. I don't even know what the hell he is so pissed off about, I wish I knew. He insists I don't respect him, which I don't, but demands I do. I at least have the decency to listen to him talk for an hour, (I would say the longest he has talked to me in the last 2 months combined), without interrupting him. I then say two words, " Well I..." and he basically tells me, ...

I have not heard back from the case worker yet, but expect to hear tomorrow. I anticipate that she may tell us we need to complete the PS-MAPP training classes before we can move ahead and make what they would deem, an informed decision. I am already familiar w/ the information in the classes, but G is not. Since the classes are 12 weeks long for 3 hours a week, G said he may not make all the classes. I feel this is vital to him understanding the process and hope he will make them his first priority. I talked with my mom today and informed her that we planned to move forward with the process. She said she was supportive and could not understand her friends reaction. I told her the way she wrote the email made it sound as if that was her personal opinion as well, since she never conveyed or said she was supportive until today. I made it clear that we would change our guardianship plan if needed so that our child would be placed in a loving and supportive home if something were to happe...

After a lot of prayer, thought, and conviction, G and I both came to the same conclusion regarding the possible adoption of the 8 year old girl. We have decided to move forward. I realize we may not even be chosen or go all the way, but we can't remain stagnant any longer. In this situation I had to ask myself, despite all I've been told, "what would Jesus do?" Unequivocally , he would give this child a chance and not let her remain in and age out of foster care; he would love her. I realize my life may become what some would construe as a "living hell", however, I am not living for this life, nor my own comfort here. I refuse to stand back and cower in fear of the "what ifs" that could eat one alive. I'm sorry if some may call me stupid or naive, but I can live with that. I know the statistics and risks, but again, I choose to live in faith, that this child was placed in our path for a reason. Regardless of the outcome, we have already grown e...

I've been thinking about this post for the last 5 days and haven't been able to steal away to write. On Tuesday, we were contacted by an agency that said they read our home study and have a child they feel we would be great candidates to adopt. I felt my heart flutter with excitement as I dreamed of the possibilities, as this was the exact scenario I had dreamed of and prayed for...so I thought. I emailed the case worker back to get more info. I couldn't wait to get home to see if she responded back. As I opened the attachment I had not even the faintest idea of the immense dilemma we would face. My immediate response was, "How could this be? Really? (tears) We are considered good candidates? How?, (tears & more tears), How?, This wasn't what I was expecting. How can life be so unfair?, No, no, not in a million years!". I then forwarded the message on to G and asked what he thought, stating "I say "no""! I assumed he would respond the s...

I may finally have a break from my hectic schedule at work. I didn't get assigned any evaluations this week, although my schedule is still full for next week. I've been working so much I don't have time to make it to the gym. I really need to get there, as I've gained 4lbs in the last 10 days. I am freaking out about this, as I will be on my way to 200lbs if this keeps up. I know the main reason relates to the medications I've been put on and my hormone imbalances. I hope things start to level off soon, because I would hate to have to buy new, bigger, clothes. I'm also distressed, because no one seems to care. They think I look thin or normal. I don't want to look back a year from now and wonder how I gained 50 lbs? I ordered some different herbs yesterday that are supposedly supposed to help with water retention and metabolism. I will see if they have any impact. I honestly think I get myself into trouble sometimes because I am bored with my life. I then s...

I must start off by saying that I feel so much better than I did a few weeks ago. The muscle weakness has mainly subsided, I don't wake up extremely sore anymore, and I seem to have gained some energy. The Dr. put me on 5 different supplements, one being phosphatidyl serine . I must say that this is truly an amazing drug and works better than anything I've ever tried in my life! It supposedly helps restore the circadian rhythm, so I have energy during the day and can fall asleep at night instead of being wide awake, when I am really exhausted . I didn't realize the effectiveness until a day after I forgot to take it. I was wondering why I felt so tired all day and even had to take a nap, then low and behold, I was wide awake all night! Next day I took it, without realizing the amazing impact, and I felt fine. Last Thursday I did have a bit of a scare. I was at my neighbors and felt pain in my side that progressively got worse, until I went from a 4 level of pain to 10 in l...

This weekend I went to an awesome women's retreat. It was something I really needed for my sanity, however, now I'm left wondering... where do I go from here? The theme was, "Stop Going Through the Motions". I realized I am just going through the motions in all areas of my life and not really living life to its fullest potential. I give the least I need to get by and wonder why I feel so incomplacent and unsatisfied, but the answer is right in front of me. I know from so many experiences that I will get what I put into something. Most notedly, I feel blah in my relationship w/ G. I feel like we are flat lining with no excitment or drive to do anything but exist. I met a group of girls and we had some fun and interesting talks. We are thinking about meeting on a regular baisis to work on the blah in our lives. I've been going through the motions for so long, I don't even know where to start? How do I start living again? On Friday I received me lab results back ...

For some reason I have been feeling very emotionally unstable the last week. If asked 18 months ago, the feeling would be considered normal, but why now? On Saturday I felt so unsettled and anxious, my body was trembling. I didn't take new medication or change anything other than taking some new herbs. When I feel like this, it usually means trouble, because I think too much and often end up doing something stupid like contacting J. By the way, he IM'ed me last week, just to say he hoped I was doing ok and that he loved Italy. I messaged back saying I was fine. On Thursday, my precious female Maltese was stung by a scorpion (according to the vet). Poor doll, had a lump the size of a golf ball on her rear end that was black and blue. It was so swollen on Saturday that it burst open. Now she has to wear a collar (I found a pink one) and we have to hand feed her so she can eat. It seems to be healing ok, as the wound has healed shut, with a huge scab. On top of that, she is in hea...

Call me naive, ignorant, or in denial, but I decided to drop the issue with G viewing my blog and lying about it. He still insists that he never viewed it. Deep inside I know he did, but it makes life so much easier to overlook his indiscretion . I was reminded of my disposition after watching "He's Just Not that in to You" recently, when the wife decided to work on her marriage after finding out she was being cheated on, but filed for divorce after discovering her husband habitually lied to her about smoking. I guess making a huge issue over something so small makes no sense when we have been together for so long. In addition, G's indiscretion will be no more since I decided to make my blog private. I am bummed because I did have some loyal readers who I was not able to add before I locked down my account. I don't know if it even matters, as I hardly have time to write anymore, nor time to think about what could be boggling my mind. I spent the previous week an...

I am still reeling from the events over the last weekend. I can't believe how naive I have been. My entire marriage has been a lie...I should say the last 9 years of my life have been built on lies! From my conversations with G he completely slipped on Sunday and gave me the 100% confirmation I needed to know that he HAS been reading my blog for the last 4 years. His so called dreams were a sham and lie. He used my beliefs and our relationship against me. He said he trusts me, but only as long as he can read my private thoughts without reciprocating. I feel so betrayed. It is not fair for him to read my private journal, lie continuously about doing so, and then use everything he reads against me. In the mean time, NEVER sharing any of his feelings. He is still the same manipulating, lying, controlling person he was when I first met him. How stupid of me to believe people can actually change. I never thought I would face this crossroad in my life, but now I have to decide what I am...

Well, It seems my blog is causing too many issues. Thus, unfortunately I will be deleting it or making it viewable via invitation only (I haven't decided what I am going to do yet). If you happen to be a loyal reader and have a blog, send me a link to your blog and your email address to ramjh@hotmail.com . If I can't verify who you are, then I will not add you. This will only be open for a limited time, then I am closing all access. It is really sad when a person can't even be free to think their own thoughts and write therapeutically without people using it against me, spying and lying about it. This blog will only be open for a short time, so respond quickly. I really do appreciate all the kind words, encouragement, and direction I often needed at difficult times in my life. Thanks so much...you know who you are!

I had really been struggling with the fact that J wanted to see me. I wasn't sure what to do, but am so glad Gramae (hope you don't mind the repost) said this in regard to the situation: "You seem very objective about the situation with J and G. What's more important to you- J's need to move on, or G's need to feel secure? You don't know J will move on and find himself a long term relationship after seeing you. It may rekindle something in him, possibly even you. Wouldn't that make your life more complicated than it's already been? Do what your heart tells you to do. If you do decide to meet J- go to G, hold his face in your hands, tell him "You are whom I chose to spend the rest of my life with and whom I love. I would like to see an old friend I haven't seen in years and I need you to be OK with that." Then kiss him, give him the best blow job of his life or screw his brains out, then let him sleep on it. Next morning ask h...

I feel I am often too harsh on myself because I have unrealistic expectations about who I want to be versus the person I am. I envision myself as this light, fluffy angel food cake that is sweet and looks appetizing, however, I know I come across as something much different. (lol). In an attempt to think of the correct simile I think I'm more like a Big Mac with lots of layers, not sure what is really in it... but very complex, it is heavy, uncertainty at first glance, I want people to like and accept me, it isn't as bad as initially assumed, after a while it starts to grow on me. My trip home went well with the time passing too quickly. One day it was 80 degrees, the next day we were plagued with a blizzard. Just when I think I am ready to move back, the cold and relentless wind quickly change my mind. My heart longs to be near family, but my body screams for me to stay away from the cold. My family seemed to have numerous opinions to share with me about choosing to adopt. It ...

I found this great website that actually lists some accurate information about temperaments and personalities. It seems over the course of my blog, I have struggled in my relationship with G, due to thoughts about J. This section seems to explain my struggle so well, even though I haven't had an affair or nor am I planning one (I am in the "idealist" category): "Most Idealists have a difficult time with sustained infidelity. They have a high need to be true to themselves, and they tend to have a romantic view of love. Infidelity is inconsistent with both of these. If you have made a commitment to a person, being unfaithful to them means being untrue to yourself. Unfaithfulness and romantic love just don't mix. Affairs tend to be short-lived because guilt kicks in fairly soon. " Plus mix in convictions and values from my faith, and we have an intensely complex and contradictory situation! It's never enough to say I'm sorry It's never enough to...