Searching for the Answers...

Well I have mixed news. First, we are first in line to get on the main list for our adoption, meaning we will soon be in the pool for birthmoms to choose from. After this great news, I felt like my luck was finally changing and I actually received positive news for once. Then, I get home and G is home super early. I ask why and he said he was laid off! I couldn't believe it. Now our income is down to 1/3 of what it was before. I thought G would decide to actually help out around the house now, but I was wrong. It has almost been one week and he has washed the dishes, unloaded the dishwasher and spent the whole week screwing off on the internet and watching tv. I'm sorry, but I have been working 80+ hours per week and I get that level of help? It really pisses me of to be frank, because I am not feeling well, needed to work less because I am so exhausted, but now I have to work more and G is a lazy ass that I am now supporting. It just really pisses me off. Now, he has been g...

Prior to my appointment today I was a wreck. However, now I dont' know what I am feeling? The results are in: elevated ca-125 (cancer antigens). The score was over 86 with <35 being normal. My doctor told me not to be alarmed because it can be elevated with ovarian cysts and endometriosis. However, in my search to understand what that score meant, I found this notation on medline: "In the patient who is being evaluated for a pelvic mass, a CA 125 level greater than 65 is associated with malignancy in approximately 90% of cases." Does that mean that I have a 90% chance of having ovarian cancer then? There is some good out of this. She mentioned that the surgeon will have to move up my surgery with that score, so I may get in sooner. She also prescribed me muscle relaxers for the pain to see if they work, since nothing else has. I told G about the elevated score (not the possible high probability of cancer) and he took it hard. I think he was crying on the phone, but I...

I believe we've all experienced a moment in life where the sum appears greater than the sum of the parts- unfathomable, and overwhelming. How could one possibly achieve this feat that seems impossible as a whole, yet I find myself wondering every minute of the day if I can make it one more step, one more appointment, one more day? Mornings are the worst, when I feel as if I were ran over by a train; every muscle aches, and each movement reminds me of how exhausted I am, I wonder how I can possibly even get out of bed and begin the day? Last week I went to the specialist's office who has me scheduled for an appointment mid-May. I dropped off my paperwork and medical records and explained that I couldn't wait until May. I explained the new developments and she said "oh, we can see you Feb. 10th if you can be here at 6:30 am." I took the appointment and was amazed that my persistence paid off and I was able to get in 3 months sooner. She said I may still have to wa...

What happens during that period of time between uncertainty and certainty, ignorance and awareness, denial and reality? Once the knowledge is obtained it can change life forever; that point of no return. When the option to choose sides arises, where is it better to stand in the end when the outcome remains the same? I feel that I could be approaching that point where everything could change. It would almost be a relief to have a definite answer for once and definite outcome, an end. Part of me wants to fight, the other wants to give up. It has been a long and painful run. Do I tell my loved ones before the prognosis is known to spare them of any unnecessary concern? Why am I not upset? Am I in denial: "it can't happen to me", "I'm too young"; or feeling peace that it could be an end to the suffering, maybe a secret answer to prayer? As it stands I still can't get into see the doctor until Feb 5th. I doubt she can help me. I have another appointment ...

A single rose left to remember As a single tear falls from her eye Another cold day in December A year from the day she said goodbye Seems it's only been a moment Since the angels took him from her arms And she was left there holding on to their tomorrow But as they laid him in the ground Her heart would sing without a sound For the first time you can open your eyes And see the world without your sorrow Where no one knows the pain you left behind And all the peace you could never find Is waiting there to hold and keep you Welcome to the first day of your life Just open up your eyes A single lifetime lays behind her As she draws her final breath Just beyond the door he'll find her Taking her hand she softly says For the first time you can open your eyes And see the world without your sorrow Where no one knows the pain you left behind And all the peace you could never find Is waiting there to hold and keep you Welcome to the first day of yo...

Well it seems this week is ending the same way it began with pain. I've been in pain for at least 2 weeks straight now with no relief. I think so much pain can mentally break someone. I can't recall the last time I felt like this, but I believe it was in college. I have been crying almost all day, every day this week. I feel so hopeless and as if there is nothing left to look forward to, except for more pain. I was able to get my records from my ER visit and read through them. I don't understand half of the things noted about my blood work and urine and haven't been able to contact my doctor. I filled my prescription for antibiotics yesterday and started them last night. If I have a so called "bladder infection" as they thought, then I suppose they will help clear it up. I am pissed because now I am killing all the healthy bacteria I built up for the last 2 years. I haven't even been sick since this spring and I ALWAYS get sick after antibiotics, plus a fu...

After this last week of unbearable pain and a trip to the ER, I am seriously wondering what is there to live for anymore? Each day is such a struggle from the constant pain and knowing that I will probably have to live with it for the rest of my life. It seems the only thing I do live for is work. I've been working 12-14 hour days and G has been out of town for the last 3 weeks. I feel so alone. At the ER they ran lots of tests and could only tell me I "might" have a bladder infection and probably had ruptured ovarian cysts. They found more cysts on my ovaries. My choices are pain management or removal of the ovaries. Then I would be put into permanent menopause, which is hell, from previous experience. The pain is so debilitating I can't even move from the fetal position for hours at a time. The pain medication does nothing for the pain, plus I can't take it and drive. I've had a few bladder infections and I don't think I have one. I do everything right a...

I should say for my weight! I called on Tuesday to have a new order of Isocort shipped from only 40 miles away. It was supposed to be a rush order and I paid an extra $8 because I didn't have time to drive there. Well, I still haven't received it. G could have picked it up on Friday and at least had it to me on Sunday. I ran out of my Isocort on Friday and was told to not abruptly stop taking it for any reason!Well in 3 days I've lost 3 lbs. I seriously thought I was going crazy eating less than 1200 calories per day, and mainly cutting out the junk food, plus high fiber, w/o any weight loss. I've been doing this since the middle of August and gained a net of 3-5 lbs since before I started taking the Isocort.  Maybe now I can believe it was only water weight. Now that I am off, I will see if I notice a difference in energy etc.; because if I continue to feel fine, I will not take it. I really felt like I was going insane. How could I possibly gain more than I was ingest...

I may finally have a break from my hectic schedule at work. I didn't get assigned any evaluations this week, although my schedule is still full for next week. I've been working so much I don't have time to make it to the gym. I really need to get there, as I've gained 4lbs in the last 10 days. I am freaking out about this, as I will be on my way to 200lbs if this keeps up. I know the main reason relates to the medications I've been put on and my hormone imbalances. I hope things start to level off soon, because I would hate to have to buy new, bigger, clothes. I'm also distressed, because no one seems to care. They think I look thin or normal. I don't want to look back a year from now and wonder how I gained 50 lbs? I ordered some different herbs yesterday that are supposedly supposed to help with water retention and metabolism. I will see if they have any impact. I honestly think I get myself into trouble sometimes because I am bored with my life. I then s...

I must start off by saying that I feel so much better than I did a few weeks ago. The muscle weakness has mainly subsided, I don't wake up extremely sore anymore, and I seem to have gained some energy. The Dr. put me on 5 different supplements, one being phosphatidyl serine . I must say that this is truly an amazing drug and works better than anything I've ever tried in my life! It supposedly helps restore the circadian rhythm, so I have energy during the day and can fall asleep at night instead of being wide awake, when I am really exhausted . I didn't realize the effectiveness until a day after I forgot to take it. I was wondering why I felt so tired all day and even had to take a nap, then low and behold, I was wide awake all night! Next day I took it, without realizing the amazing impact, and I felt fine. Last Thursday I did have a bit of a scare. I was at my neighbors and felt pain in my side that progressively got worse, until I went from a 4 level of pain to 10 in l...

This weekend I went to an awesome women's retreat. It was something I really needed for my sanity, however, now I'm left wondering... where do I go from here? The theme was, "Stop Going Through the Motions". I realized I am just going through the motions in all areas of my life and not really living life to its fullest potential. I give the least I need to get by and wonder why I feel so incomplacent and unsatisfied, but the answer is right in front of me. I know from so many experiences that I will get what I put into something. Most notedly, I feel blah in my relationship w/ G. I feel like we are flat lining with no excitment or drive to do anything but exist. I met a group of girls and we had some fun and interesting talks. We are thinking about meeting on a regular baisis to work on the blah in our lives. I've been going through the motions for so long, I don't even know where to start? How do I start living again? On Friday I received me lab results back ...

For some reason I have been feeling very emotionally unstable the last week. If asked 18 months ago, the feeling would be considered normal, but why now? On Saturday I felt so unsettled and anxious, my body was trembling. I didn't take new medication or change anything other than taking some new herbs. When I feel like this, it usually means trouble, because I think too much and often end up doing something stupid like contacting J. By the way, he IM'ed me last week, just to say he hoped I was doing ok and that he loved Italy. I messaged back saying I was fine. On Thursday, my precious female Maltese was stung by a scorpion (according to the vet). Poor doll, had a lump the size of a golf ball on her rear end that was black and blue. It was so swollen on Saturday that it burst open. Now she has to wear a collar (I found a pink one) and we have to hand feed her so she can eat. It seems to be healing ok, as the wound has healed shut, with a huge scab. On top of that, she is in hea...

I sit here in extreme pain wondering if this is it? Is this how I have to spend the rest of my life? I felt so hopeful after being diagnosed with Hashimoto's Thyroiditis, and getting treatment, however three months later I find myself in the same place with no progress. Here is a pathetic list of symptoms related to Hashimoto's that have gotten worse or not resolved: Less stamina than others Less energy than others Long recovery period after any activity (9 days after tubing 1x on vacation!) Inability to hold children for very long Arms feeling like dead weights after activity Chronic Low Grade Depression Often feeling cold Cold hands and feet High or rising cholesterol Bizarre and Debilitating reaction to exercise Loss of eye lashes Dry Hair Hair Loss Dry cracking skin Requires naps in the afternoon Air Hunger (feeling like you can’t get enough air) Forgetfulness Foggy thinking Inability to lose weight gaining weight Low sex drive PMS Inability to get pregnant; miscarriages E...

I went to the naturopath on Friday and finally felt like I received some answers! She put me on armour thyroid to increase thyroid hormones. I thought I was supposed to loose weight, but it doesn't seem to be the case. I get my levels retested in 3 months to determine if it is working. I am still supposed to take Lugol's iodine, vitex, and high EPA fish oil. She said I am already doing everything I can. She suggested taking oral Progesterone supplementation because I am deficient. However, I am faced with the same predicament as before. First, the side effects of the oral form and the dose seems too low. Then what to do when I need to start my period....if I am pregnant and stop, it can cause a miscarriage, but continually taking it stops menstruation. I expected an answer for the predicament, but she didn't have one. I was told to just keep taking it until I happen to start my period. I don't see it working as my cycle is already messed up. I've been 2 weeks late f...

A few weeks ago I learned one of my best friends was in the hospital. I was just planning to see her the day before to give her a reference form for our adoption. She had lupus and struggled with bronchitis all the time. During a breathing treatment she coded and her kidneys also stopped working. When I went to see her the next day she was in a coma. The Dr. gave us her EEG results, revealing no brain activity. Like that, in a short 26 years, her life was over. She left behind a 3 & 4 year old. I couldn't help but think, "Why couldn't it have been me?" I don't have kids that I would leave behind. She is the closest person to me to ever pass away. I'm not sure how to deal with the grief or if my symptoms are grief related. I haven't been able to cry over her tragic death. However, I can't sleep and find it hard to breathe. I feel as if someone is sitting on my chest, and no matter how hard I try, I just can't get enough air. She was such a good ...

Today my heart sank as I listened to a message from the Dr. They wanted me to call to get my lab results. I have anxiously awaited all week for this call, but why was I so nervous and trembling as I hit redial? As the words came out I felt shock, yet relief. Relief because maybe I finally had somewhat of an explanation as to what has been ailing me. I now have to see an endocrinologist for additional testing to determine what else I may or may not have. The name of the game seems to be Hashimoto's Disease. Essentially, an auto-immune disorder, the body attacks the Thyroid gland, leaving it ineffective, resulting in hypothyroidism. Thus, I may have an explanation for a array of symptoms including: pale complexion, low cold tolerance, depression, memory loss, joint pain- especially in the shoulders and hips, dry skin/hair, hair loss, fatigue, random weight gain, muscle cramps, high LDL cholesterol and slow pulse. In retrospect, I can see the symptoms fall into place, especially in co...

I've found a bit of a 2nd wind this week since it is spring break. I haven't had school for 4 days now, and can't believe how much stress it adds to my life. I admit, 80+ hours per week is about killing me. I've been sick since 1/31/09, so it will be 6 weeks tomorrow. The last few days I've been feeling better, but I still have a major sinus and ear infection. At least I don't have a 103 degree fever like I did last week and have to spend 9 hours at school. I've been going 80+ hours a week, while being sick. Getting sick was not factored into my plan!!!! Thank God I only have 7 days left of school!!!!!!!!!!!! I will be super stressed next week because I have my last evaluation to determine if I pass student teaching. Plus the principal and vice principal will be evaluating me as well to determine if I am the type of teacher they may consider hiring for next school year. I really need to get hired as a teacher, because both G and I could loose our current job...

I just wanted to say my mom will be 50 this week! I can't believe she will be that old, but still looks so young. Hats off to her for being so active and cancer free for 20 years! Well, I have 5 of 9 weeks left of my student teaching. I am putting in about 70 hours per week right now with my job, and student teaching. The work load will only increase as I near the end of the 9th week. I am looking forward to the end of March!!! The only reason I have time to write today is because I have been extremely sick for the last week. I cancelled all my appointments for work and have just been going to school. I really needed to be home from school, but can only miss 2 days during the entire 9 weeks! Thus, it seemed like the longest week ever! I need to save one day for when my dog has puppies. I wasn't planning to breed her this time, but she crawled through the baby gate...somehow???? Therefore, we are expecting puppies around March 20th. I believe we already have puppy parents for up...

Today I read over my first two months of blogging and continually feel amazed by the craziness of my life. I could seriously write a novel or make a mini-series that would seem like fiction. I felt much better today than yesterday. I guess I just needed to sleep on a few things and pray I don't have any dreams about J. G really is a good guy. He used to be a monster, but he has changed for the most part. I still catch myself feeling suspicious once in a while; and if he is doing something behind my back, he is doing a really good job...kudos to him. I have two weeks left in my last semester of classes (for a year or two), and I am so ready to be finished. Tomorrow I have a meeting for work that will supposedly change the future of my job...whatever that means. They make it sound like we are getting fired, but I doubt it is the case. I'm assuming I will have to put up with a lot more crap and will probably have more job duties for the same pay... yay !!! I'm doing so great, ...

This has been an extremely stressful week for my job. I typically bill about 20-22 hours per week, but this week I billed over 36, meaning I worked about 50! I feel it isn't fair someone in my same position has only billed 20 hours for the entire month, yet I have billed over 70 and she is paid more than me! It isn't fair and I keep getting kids added to my case load. We are having a meeting next week to adjust our caseloads so she has a full schedule and I'm not working overtime. This is the first time in a long time I've felt like I needed to drink after work. I love the numbness a buzz gives me. Thus, I purchased a few bottles of wine on my way home. Red wine is good for you, right! I just read Graeme's last comment and I really appreciate honest opinions; something I can't get in my daily life, because know one knows all the crap going on inside my head except my blog readers, or they are afraid of offending me. I think if we actually knew what was going on...