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Showing posts from April, 2005

Am I Just Paranoid?

WTF is up? My husband comes home over 3 hours later than he ever has on a Friday before and doesn't even have the audacity to call! I called him 3 times; first time no answer, second he hangs up the second I say hi, third he says I'm pulling up right now then hangs up. Over 30 min later he finally arrives home. I am extremely pissed off! We had plans and now can't do anything because he decided to come home 3 hours late. He said he had to have a conversation with one of his workers, so why did he have to wait until it was time to go home to do so, and have a 3+ hour conversation? I suspect he is lying out of his ass! Or am I just being paranoid?

Breaking the Bond...

Wow, I haven't posted for a while. I guess I have been so successfully avoiding all thoughts of my ex I forgot to even post for the last few days. Did I also mention I have been keeping myself extremely busy. Yesterday I planted over 25 plants, dug/pulled every weed in my large weed infested backyard, and installed a drip system to every plant....whew, yes I feel like a train wreck today (I am human). Last week I also worked on finishing my office, I finally found semi perfect fabric, so I sewed drapes, and blinds for my loft and office, and a chair cover. I haven't even felt tempted to converse with him since the last time I said hi. He hasn't been on my mind every waking minute, more like 2 seconds a day or less. I also haven't dreamed of him for several days. For some reason, I feel compelled to think of my ex when I write posts in my blog. I guess the primary reason I started my blog was to vent about my relational frustrations revolving around him though. I may cha

Please Help me Find a Friend!

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For almost 8 months now I have been searching for a sweet little companion to keep me company during my long days at home. If anyone knows a great breeder of Yorkshire Terriers or Maltese in the SW US, with reasonable prices, please let me know. I am also open to adopting a pet from a shelter, but want a younger dog without major health problems. I certainly haven't experienced any luck in my search. Thanks in advance! So why a Yorkie or Maltese you may ask? Well, I really want a cat, I love cats, especially fluffy orange or white with blue eyes. The problem arises because my husband despises cats and won't allow one in our new house. He cringes at the thought of an animal on a counter, table, or our furniture; he thinks a cat will wreck havoc on our home. He wants a big, obnoxious Doberman, and I told him hell no. So, for 3 years we were at a standstill regarding the pet situation, when I though of a great idea... I would agree to a dog only if it was small, fluffy, cuddly, an

Breaking the Silence...

Well, yesterday I gave in and decided to just say "hi" to my ex. I said "hi" and he said "bye", in less than one minute I presume. I guess he didn't want to talk. I didn't really either, but had to break the silence. I need to just give up, if only I could. The situation is slowly starting to become easier to deal with though. I guess one day at a time. I've been wondering if I should disclose all to my spouse, but face a major dilemma. I didn't want to tell him before if I was unsure about the situation, especially if I thought we might not stay together. I would only tell him after we separated and a divorce was finalized, to escape his jealous retaliation with a lawyer. If I do want to stay in my marriage and tell him, he might become so upset he might want a divorce anyway. If he didn't want a divorce, he would surely want me to sever all connection to my ex, which I'm not prepared to do right now (I'm slowly working on it t

Double Edged Sword...One More Day

Lately I've been successfully staying very busy, so busy I don't have time to even say hi to my ex. Staying busy is great because I don't have time to think as much about my ex and I always forget to eat (hence, my gut is slowly diminishing again). The problem arises when I must stop doing 5 things at once and go to sleep. I can't control my dreams, and of course last night I dreamed of him. I haven't remembered any of my dreams for the last week, but I sure remember last nights dream. I wish I would just forget any dreams of him, like I forget the rest of my dreams. When I dream of him and remember, I can't stop thinking about him, which drives me crazy. I've been trying so hard to be proactive by refraining from contacting him. I've actually succeeded for an entire week, which is huge for me. Dreaming of him makes my goals for proactivity so much more difficult though. I feel like my situation is a double edged sword. On one hand I know I have to let g

Serenity or Sanity?

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; the courage to change the things I can; and the wisdom to know the difference.

Stay Positive...

I keep telling myself to "stay positive" despite the hellish confusion of my screwed up life. Although, I've learned through bounds of experience that the harder I try to avoid something (negativity in this case), the more I actually ponder about what I am trying to avoid (ie. ex bf, weight, looks, no job, etc.). I feel the extreme urge to go off on every facet of my life, so here goes! My allergies have been driving me insane, why am I plagued with severe allergies 365 days/nights/year? Come on drug companies, why can't you make stronger medication? I was painting today and somehow managed to dump paint in my hair and of course I have an interview tomorrow- yah! I guess I can say I've been painting on the side since I can't get a job with my lame degree. Oh, I also received a call from a company whom wanted to interview me for a position I had no experience in, after being impressed by my resume. I told them I'd call back after I reviewed the position, w

Letter: "The Hardest Thing I've Ever Had to Do"

I found this letter today, which I wrote to my ex in October 2004. I emailed it to him and we didn't talk for quite some time. It seems the cycle started all over again, I don't know how? It seems we can't let go of the thought of being together. Something does need to change, because I can't keep doing this, because every time it tears me apart. I've always thought we could still be friends, but I don't think we can. I feel so torn in telling him to NEVER contact me again, because what if he really is in trouble? I love him and would do anything to help him, just as I would for any of my other friends or family. I don't know how I am just supposed to block him out of my life? On the other hand I can't keep the door open to him either. He has a dangerous job, so what if something happens? The thought of loosing him forever or never getting to see him one last time takes my breath away. I can't imagine life without him, even if we don't talk or ar

How Ironic... I Keep Shooting Myself in the Foot!

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I am so sick of my life! Every time I make up my mind to do something it blows up in my face, which would explain my confusion. My ex IM me tonight and said "are you just going to ignore me?". I guess I was, funny! Anyway, I guess HE CAME TO SEE ME on Thursday and I didn't know about it. He didn't know I didn't know, and it sounds like a mess. I guess he sent me a message and my computer crashed as I went to read it (was it irony?), hence I didn't receive his message to call if I wanted him to come and see me. Damn! So he drove 4 hours out of his way and waited for me to call...I think he was less than 10 miles from my house. How sad, I bet he felt so disappointed and bummed. I would have been pissed! He didn't seem mad, just disappointed. I know exactly how he feels because I went to a wedding in his home town only because I wanted a chance to see him before I got married and he was out of town. I felt so defeated and didn't know what to do since I l

I'm Letting Love Go...

Well as I suspected I am quite sure he isn't coming. He hasn't said anything to me actually. I think he plans to blow me off again, like he did almost one year ago for 3 months or longer. I must end this insane game we seem to be playing. I have to move on from my past and leave my past in the past where it probably belongs. Saying goodbye is so hard. Maybe I will just block his calls, emails, IM's, etc. and delete any reference to him. I know I can't delete my past, but I can remove temptation from my life, which entices me to continue playing a losing game. I will have to at least send one last email to tell him to stop contacting me so we can both move on. I will wait until Monday afternoon at least (the day he said he might come) to send the letter in the case he does come. I'm sure his reaction will be the same... "I don't want to loose you, I'm sorry, I want you in my life, I love you, I want to be with you, I can't get you off my mind...etc&q

Neat Love Quote...

The best use of life is love. The best expression of love is time. The best time to love is now.

Soul Mates, Love, Relationships...Worth the Pain?

The more I ponder over the issue, I begin to believe soul mates don't exist or at least my ex isn't/wasn't my soul mate. I know so many odd things happened in our relationship which led me to believe our love was meant to be, which may have been so during a small portion of my life. Our relationship and all the ironic events could have been a fluke, which I still can't explain. Maybe I am trying to rationalize and convince myself he isn't my soul mate so I can move on with my life...I don't know? The last words he "typed" to me were "I am leaving xx today. Take Care." What in the hell is that supposed to mean? I am assuming he is heading for CA and won't be going out of his way to say hi. Typical I guess. I must admit, I am a little upset that he can't even tell me or type to me when I am actually online. Why does he have to be so discrete and try to confuse me? I guess it may be part of his "game plan", who knows? For a whi

Destiny...

Well, as I sit here feeling so alone a song came on I didn't pay much attention to a week ago, but it calls out to me now. My ex told me to listen to this song, but I didn't understand. I'm still not sure I do now. A few days ago he said he wasn't sure he had a reason to drive 500 miles out of his way to see me, while over a month ago he said he would be driving through. I guess he was trying to play another game with me in attempting to get me emotionally involved and possibly beg him to come to see me when I found out he would have to drive so far out of his way. In reality, I called his bluff and told him to do whatever he wants. I said it would be nice to see him, but if he comes he can't have expectations, because seeing him may or may not help me make up my mind...for I know it may only add more confusion to the situation. I am guessing he won't come, which I figured all along. I wasn't worth it before, so why would I be now, or even later. Obviously h