Searching for the Answers...

I found this neat quiz on a fellow bloggers site. It seems quite accurate. What Kind of Princess are You? - Beautiful Artwork The Noble PrincessYou are just and fair, a perfectionist with a strong sense of proper decorum. You are very attracted to chivalry, ceremony and dignity. For the most part you are rather sensible, but you are also very idealistic.Role Models: Guinevere, Princess Fiona (of Shrek)You are most likely to: Get kidnapped by a stray dragon. Take this quiz !

I don't even know where to start with G. We have done nothing but fight and argue for two days now. I feel so disconnected from him and our relationship. At this point I can't accurately assess my true thoughts and feelings. I don't know if I am angry and attempting to ignore the larger issues in our marriage...trying to spare myself the pain in realizing our relationship is over...subconsiously trying to sabotage our relationship...or truly hoping and trying to salvage what is left? I hope I can soon begin to sort out the true issues so I can fully understand the situation so I can approach the problem from the right direction. I know I am blocking my true feelings because I can't bear to feel them right now. I tend to disconnect myself from negative situations. I remember completely disconnecting myself from J before we broke up. He would kiss me and I felt like an actress pretending to be involved, while feeling absolu tely nothing. Of course inside my heart was brea

In a few days G and I are flying home for the holidays and will be gone for almost 2 weeks. I was so excited about spending Christmas with my family this year, since it has been two years since I've been home for Christmas. I feel so depressed though. No one is coming home for Christmas aside from G and I. Everyone went home for Thanksgiving instead. My parents and siblings are going to my bitchy aunts house for Christmas and G and I refuse to go. She constantly spreads terrible rumors about me because she is jealous. I can't buy into her immaturity and cattiness for Christmas so I am going to just remove myself from the situation entirely. Unfortunately, I won't be spending Christmas with my family either. I am starting to wonder why I am even going back. I was looking forward to spending time with my sister, but she will be working every day. I think a recent death is prompting my recent bout of depression and pessimism. A few days ago my friends', friend committed s

I honestly don't know what to say? I don't know how I am feeling right now, other than terrible! Today is G and I's anniversary. We were supposed to get off early from work so we could spend the day together and go to dinner. I left the office at 12 and G didn't arrive home until almost 6 pm...so much for "early". On the way to dinner we argued after assessing the numerous shortfalls in our marriage. G started bashing me during dinner and I wanted nothing more than to leave. I could barely hold back the tears as my excitement quickly turned to disgust. We went to a nice sit down restaurant and were in and out in less than 30 minutes...what a nice dinner! I am so disappointed and disgusted with G and our marriage right now. Any time we attempt to communicate, it ends in an argument. I feel like a distant acquaintance of my spouse, which I find so sad. It seems like we are roommates instead of husband and wife. I want to be committed to my marriage, but find it

I've been "needing" to write a few journal entries, but I just don't have the time! I can't wait until I start my new job. I worked all weekend even though I was very ill. G has been gone since last Thursday, first on a business trip and now gone until this Thursday since his grandfather passed away. I don't seem to realize how dependent I am on G in my life until he is gone. I hate living alone. I feel lost without him here and have been a wreck the past few days. I honestly don't know if or how I could survive without him. Having him physically available makes such a huge difference. Even at work I felt lost today, and I never see him at work; but I know I will see him when I arrive home. We have serious issues to work out, but I still miss him. I find it so difficult to be mad at him when he isn't here. A few nights ago I had my first dream of J in a long while. It was an intimate dream, but I can't recall the specific details. My feelings are s

Today at 2pm G told me he wanted to do "something" tonight and said I should meet him at work as soon as I finish my job for the day. He neglected to tell me his company Christmas Party was tonight. I show up to the party in my professional "court" attire, drained from a busy day at work. He kept asking me if something was wrong, which only continued to drive me crazy. Of course I am going to be a little upset if he can't provide me with prior warning regarding his company party. Throughout the evening he introduced me to all his work acquaintances. I felt an odd tension when he introduced me to a group of female workers. All shook my hand except for one woman, which G neglected to introduce me to. There were awkward glances and he finally blurted...oh an odd thing about (the one woman) is that her boyfriend lives in another city. Ok???? Awkward silence... I didn't really think about it until we arrived home and I felt irate, but I have to wonder if he has

As usual, on my daily commute I had time to think, and realized an interesting aspect about my human nature. I experience a strong urge to choose the easiest route though life, even though it may not be the best route or make sense in the long run. I also feel extreme guilt for possibly hurting anyone's feelings. The reason I came to this realization is because today I "officially" provided my employer with my written two week notice. I keep having second thoughts and doubting my decision to do what I know is the job I've always wanted. Why would I do such a thing? I realized staying at my current job is the easy solution. I don't have to say goodbye, go through the discomfort of the next two weeks, say bye to my clients, experience a 5% pay decrease and a 13% decrease in 5 mo (since I was getting a raise), etc. In exchange I would keep an incredibly stressful and draining job with no personal life, and as my chiropractor said...be on the fast track to 80! Thank

I feel so at peace today, not crazy and stressed as usual. On Monday I received a job offer for my dream job. I actually interviewed for the position in May, but the company ended up not needing another person at that time. They called me several times after my interview to ask if I would still be interested. Of course I said YES! They offered me the position on Monday and I don't need to interview again. I will be working from home (no more spending 2 hours in traffic!) and traveling to clients homes that live in my same city. It is a salaried position, but employees usually average only 30 hours per week. I get a computer and phone. I set my own schedule, most people only work 3 days per week. I can't believe it. I hope the job turns out to be everything I think it will be and more. The salary is a little lower than my current, but no overtime and sanity are worth every cent, plus the money I will save on gas and vehicle wear. My only concern is that I won't be challenged

How You Are In Love You fall in love quickly and easily. And very often. You give and take equally in relationships. You tend to get very attached when you're with someone. You want to see your love all the time. You love your partner unconditionally and don't try to make them change. You stay in love for a long time, even if you aren't loved back. When you fall, you fall hard. How Are You In Love? I guess this describes me quite well! Dang, I don't like to crash and burn, but hopefully I won't have to ever again!

I don't like the person I've become, but I don't know how to change. I put on a happy face around common acquaintances, so most people think I am the sweetest, nicest, and happiest person they know. Inside I am so angry...Depression is anger turned inward. I only show anger towards G, because I know he will love me no matter what. I wish I wasn't so mean to him all the time, but I feel safe venting to him or taking my anger out on him. I know it isn't right and I wish I knew how to change. In public or even private, my anger is usually released through tears. I feel so angry today and so bitchy. My body aches because I am so tense. I am so intent on holding in all the anger I feel that I take life SO seriously. I hardly ever laugh or even take time to indulge in a joke. I don't focus on myself, but rather business and what needs to be done. I focus so much on everything and everyone else I loose sight of myself and my needs. Therefore, my health is failing, I am

Your Blog Should Be Green Your blog is smart and thoughtful - not a lot of fluff. You enjoy a good discussion, especially if it involves picking apart ideas. However, you tend to get easily annoyed by any thoughtless comments in your blog. What Color Should Your Blog or Journal Be?

I have been so busy lately I don't have time for my personal life. I haven't had a hair cut in over 4 months, I don't eat dinner, or lunch...just snack because I don't have time! I get home and don't have time to do anything but get ready for the next day. My house is a mess, I'm a mess. I haven't bitten my nails for over 6 years and now they are so nasty and short. I don't even know I am doing it. I can't remember the last time I actually "fixed" my hair. Oh, and I feel like such a terrible mommy to my little puppies because I only spend 4 or less waking hours with them a day. They are starving for attention by the time I arrive home and by then I already feel so exhausted I just don't have time to play with them. I sense a break in my schedule in December, but my case load just doubled last week. I can't even work enough overtime to keep up and my case load will double again by the end of December! Yikes! My friend emailed me some

I finally went to the doctor today to hear the results of my ultrasound. Part of me was hoping the doctor would tell me I was pregnant or some hint of good news. I don't really know what to think of the news because it hasn't settled in yet. I wanted to cry, but held it in. My emotions regarding this issue are locked away for the time being. I guess I have "abnormal" growths...three types, an unknown mass- could be cancerous, cysts, and uterine polyps. I thought my ovaries were fine, but learned I have growths and abnormalities on both. I have to schedule surgery now and they will perform two different procedures while only drugging me once...yay! The doctor initially wanted to have two surgeries, but I don't see what the point is if I am already cut open. I am so frustrated with doctors. I've made at least 15 appointments in 4 months and know absolutely nothing more than when I started. I keep getting referred to a different specialist who supposedly will ha

The Priss D eliberate B rutal L ove D reamer ( DBLDf ) Mature. Responsible. Aristocratic. Excuse me. The Priss . Prisses are the smartest of all female types. You're highly perceptive, and confident in your judgements. You'd take brutal honesty over superficiality any time--your friends always know where they stand with you. You're completely unfake. Don't tell me that's not a word. You're also excellent at redirecting internal negative energy. These facts indicate people are often intimidated by you. They also fall for you, hard. You have a distant, composed allure that many find irresistible. If only more of them lived up to your standards. Your Exact Opposite: The Playstation Avoid: The Playboy, The Loverboy

I feel like I've reached the breaking point. I don't even want to take another breath. I feel like everything in my life is bad news. I try my best to see the light and turn the bad into positive, but I can only take so much. Last week I had an ultrasound and I felt positive about what the results would entail, but to my dismay I called the doctor's office today and was told my results couldn't be released over the phone. I asked why, because I was originally told by the doctor she would call with the results. The case aide told me my results were abnormal and the doctor needs to see me to discuss my options. The catch is they can't get me in until next week! I have to wait an entire week wondering what in the hell is wrong with me now. I told her the doctor needs to call me because I can't wait and wonder for an entire week for the results. In some way I hope the doctor found an answer to my constant pain. The intensity and longevity has been increasing substa

If you just walked away What could I really say? Would it matter anyway? Would it change how you feel? I am the mess you chose The closet you cannot close The devil in you I suppose 'Cause the wounds never heal But everything changes If I could Turn back the years If you could Learn to forgive me Then I could learn to feel Sometimes the things I say In moments of disarray Succumbing to the games we play To make sure that it's real But everything changes If I could Turn back the years If you could Learn to forgive me Then I could learn to feel When it's just me and you Who knows what we could do If we can just make it through The toughest part of the day But everything changes If I could Turn back the years If you could Learn to forgive me Then I could Learn how to feel Then we could Stay here together And we could Conquer the world If we could Say that forever Is more than just a word If you just walked away What could I really say? And would it matter anyway? It wouldn'

The last few days G and I have been on a spending spree. We bought our little boy Teddy and went to an auction yesterday, not intending to purchase anything. We arrived and saw the most beautiful antique bedroom set from Italy. I knew we could never afford it but figured we should stay for the bidding. Well, after the set was well above our range G raised his card and we ended up being the highest bidders. It was completely impulsive, but I don't think we will regret our purchase in a few years. We can always sell it and double or quadruple our investment, so I guess I'm not really worried. I am concerned about our excessive spending the last few months though. I don't think it is possible to reach our savings goal for this year now.

Today I decided I am going to stop taking my anti depressant medication. After a 2.5 month trial period I am not impressed with the results. I don't feel like myself anymore. I actually think I felt more depressive with the medication. I was supposed to take the medication to reduce stress, which would thus reduce my pain and to reduce the incidence of migraines. Well, my pain has increased substantially in the last few months. My migraine headaches have diminished though; I only average about 3/month as opposed to 8 or more previously. I can live with migraines, but not the pain I've been feeling lately. I also felt like my judgment and intellect has been clouded. I haven't been focused or able to think clearly lately either. I took half a dose today and will continue to reduce the dose for the next 2 weeks. I expected to feel very depressed today, but I actually feel great. I accomplished so much at work and thought very clearly. I am also in a good mood, despite my migra

I am finally making progress towards change in my life! I went to the doctor yesterday for a second opinion, yet unfortunately I couldn't be examined because I started my period two weeks early! Anyways, she ordered an ultrasound which I will obtain next Friday so the doctor's can see what else may be wrong with me before surgery. The doctor I saw referred me to a cancer specialist, so I am waiting to see what is up with her referral. She hasn't called me back yet. At least I am seeing doctors though instead of trying to ignore my problem. My pain is becoming more difficult to ignore, because case in point....I almost passed out on the way to work yesterday because I was in so much pain. I can't take my strong pain medication and drive or think straight, so I really need to determine a solution. It sounds like drugs are my only option, because the doctor told me I could suffer in pain my entire life even with a hysterectomy. I felt so happy G was able to attend my doc

Yay, no work today for me. I love Government work...sometimes. Yesterday I finally caught G's cold and became ill. I still feel terrible today but am in an upbeat mood. I mean who wouldn't love sleeping in, playing w/ a precious puppy, shopping, and cooking all day? I love to cook and bake but I don't have time now that my job consumes the vast majority of my life. For Christmas, G and I will be traveling to our home town, where the temperature is substantially cooler than my current local. I went shopping for sweaters and jackets for my little gal. I will have to post a picture because she is so darn cute. She is so cute I couldn't stop laughing, poor thing couldn't even walk in some of the parkas I bought for her. Don't go thinking I am crazy now! What can I say, I love my dog and she is my replacement child, so of course I have to spoil her. I can't go shopping for a child of my own. It is so difficult to shop for dogs, there isn't a lot of variety.

Gosh, I have been going crazy since I've been unable to use my computer for almost a week now! Something so huge happened and I've been needing to write about it to get it off my chest. In the midst of my desperation and drunkenness I instant messenged J! Yeah! I said very mean and terrible things which I don't care to repeat. He didn't respond back of course until the next day. The first thing he said was..."what was that all about?". I told him I didn't remember, but I was sorry for contacting him. He then pasted my nasty comments so I could see what I wrote. I apologized but told him it was probably what I really felt and he agreed. I told him I probably could never have children. He said he still loves me and wouldn't care if I could have children or not, even though he really wants kids some day. He said he has still been struggling to move on and doesn't want to end up in a situation like me, where he is married but still in love with me. I

Holy cow. I just drank a few shots and damn, I am sure wasted! I don't know that I've ever felt like this before. I haven't drank for quite some time since I'm not supposed to mix alcohol w/ several of my current medications, oh and I forgot to eat today. I used to be able to down 15 or so shots just fine, but I guess a highball of vodka is just too much right now. If I had J's number I would call him now, how dumb is that? I actually I'Med him and said horrible things. I found his yahoo address through an email my friend Mel sent me. She doesn't BBC her messages so I get all the people. Damn, I feel so dizzy. I hope I can make it downstairs. I already twisted my ankle trying to go down once before. I wish G were here. I need someone and I am all alone. I couldn't take the pain and heartache anymore. I had to attempt to block it out at least for a few hours. I hope I can get up for church tomorrow. Crap, what in the hell am I doing? I can't believe I

J~ I saw your website today. I have to say I am utterly appalled! I could literally hurl! Do you have any self respect, or respect for women at all? I can't believe I've spent so much wasted time and effort pining over you. Please, please get on with your life and never attempt to contact me again. I think I am officially over you. Obviously you've really changed over the last few years and I do not know who you are anymore. Yuck!!! I feel like such a dumb ass right now! I just can't believe it. I feel scared for life now. My perception of you has done a 180 in 1 second. Wow. I am just shocked. Good luck in your majorly F***ed up life! I guess mine isn't as bad as I thought. Really, thank you so much for making getting over you easy.

Last night I experienced difficulty falling asleep and sleeping. I really miss G and love to cuddle with him at night. Since G is on vacation I let my little puppy, sleep with me even though I am allergic to pets. My allergies really act up when I sleep with her, but I didn't care. It helps to sleep with another living being. For the life of me I couldn't stay asleep... I didn't fall asleep until 12:30 am, I awoke at 3:30 am and 5:00 am, then laid in bed until 8:00 am trying to rest when I finally gave up. In between brief periods of sleep I dreamed of J. I remember the dream very vividly because I didn't go back to sleep afterwards. We met in a parking lot and went to a store. I gathered some items and planned to purchase them, but he wouldn't let me pay. I felt guilty for meeting him and especially since he purchased something for me, even thought the entire transaction was only $40. I could sense he was expecting something to happen between us, and I didn't w

I thought I would be ok today, but I guess I didn't look ok. My friends at work said, "what is wrong? I've never seen you like this before, are you ok? The mail man even asked me if I was ok. I hadn't been crying or anything. I guess my face said it all. I managed to hold in the pain for most of the day. It still hurts so badly, and would be so much easier to repress, but I can't. It is so ironic that I work with families who can't or won't take care of their children and they have tons of kids who they loose their rights to. I on the other hand would give anything just to have one child of my own. It is almost a slap in the face. After doing research, I have about a 1.5% of becomming pregnant, even with IVF because my reproductive system is so inflammed it can't even accept a zygote. If I try every month for 8.2 years I might be able to become pregnant, but the statistics don't account for miscarriage. I really need a miracle! I talked to G for ab

Although I haven't had time to journal lately, I've been thinking about my life and the purpose my journal serves. Looking through past posts it appears as if my life is always miserable and I never feel happy, but I tend to write only as a venue to alleviate stress and depression in my life. During the "happy" times I don't need to write, so I usually don't. Today I received a devastating blow to my life dream and what I view as the primary purpose of my life. I don't feel like I have words to describe the devastation and heartbreak I am feeling right now. I feel numb, to the point I can't access my feelings because I am trying to postpone the inevitable devastation. I decided I needed to stop being reactive and begin a proactive approach. After 12 long years of suffering extreme pain for up to three weeks of every month I finally found the courage to make an appointment with a specialist to find out the severity of my endometriosis. Today was the day

"Here By Me" I hope you’re doing fine out there without me ‘Cause I’m not doing so good without you The things I thought you’d never know about me Were the things I guess you always understood So how could I have been so blind for all these years? Guess I only see the truth through all this fear, And living without you… And everything I had in this world And all that I’ll ever be It could all fall down around me. Just as long as I have you, Right here by me. I can’t take another day without you ‘Cause baby, I could never make it on my own I’ve been waiting so long, just to hold you And to be back in your arms where I belong Sorry I can’t always find the words to say But everything I’ve ever known gets swept away Inside of your love… And everything I had in this world And all that I’ll ever be It could all fall down around me. Just as long as I have you, Right here by me. As the days grow long I see That time is standing still for me When you’re not here Sorry I can’t always f

I feel as if my life is in shambles, but then I wonder what right do I have to feel so terrible when the poor, innocent, victims of Hurricane Katrina really have nothing left, and their lives are emotionally and physically in shambles. Although I may not be able to help them put their lives back together I can at least work on my own. Prior to putting the pieces of my life back together I must first assess the damage (all the stressors which continually put pressure on my life). Last Friday my grandmother had a heart attack. I feel terrible because I want to see her and make sure she is ok, but I am stuck in this hell hole. I am afraid of missing out on the lives of my loved ones. Last week I lost my wallet, but didn't realize it until I was 4 hours out of town for 3 days. I didn't realize how much stress the loss of my wallet placed on my life until I held it safely in my hands today. I miss my family and friends. I want children, but know my desire is unrealistic given my hea

Today during another emotionally trying day I came to a realization in the depths of despair... I live life in fear. I have two ways to live my life, love and fear, and I sadly admit that I choose fear. In some respect I am afraid to live because the pain each new day brings. Thinking of all the things I fear brings me to tears, because it is so sad. I never thought I of all people would succumb to fear and let it rule my life. I realized all the "what if's" in my life represent my fear of making a mistake or the wrong choice. Every situation that involves J revolves around "what if's"...what if we were still together, what if we are supposed to be together, what if we made a mistake, what if? I think the all encompassing effect of fear in my life prevents me from letting J go. I fear I made a mistake in leaving him, in marrying my spouse, in living alone, in moving on, so I hold on to my memories to obtain some hope that I can correct my mistakes. I'm n

I found this neat poem on Craigslist.org and it really touched me. The Invitation It doesn’t interest me what you do for a living. I want to know what you ache for and if you dare to dream of meeting your heart’s longing. It doesn’t interest me how old you are. I want to know if you will risk looking like a fool for love for your dream for the adventure of being alive. It doesn’t interest me what planets are squaring your moon... I want to know if you have touched the centre of your own sorrow if you have been opened by life’s betrayals or have become shrivelled and closed from fear of further pain. I want to know if you can sit with pain mine or your own without moving to hide it or fade it or fix it. I want to know if you can be with joy mine or your own if you can dance with wildness and let the ecstasy fill you to the tips of your fingers and toes without cautioning us to be careful be realistic remember the limitations of being human. It doesn’t interest me if the story you are te

Here is another picture of my sweet little angel. I just love her to death.

Last night I again found myself enthralled in the drama of another heart wrenching dream of J. I can't remember all of the dream clearly, but I felt like such an emotional wreck. I think J was dating another person yet he wanted to be with me. I felt so terrible and torn and desperate for any sign of affection from him. The turning point occurred when he finally decided to drive off with me. I am wondering if he is struggling with the same issue right now since he did try to contact me. I wish I could just forget. How sad I can feel emotions in my dreams I can't while I am conscious.

Sorry I can't be the shining resemblance of happiness and perfection you expect me to be. I know every one loves the happy, peppy, lighthearted funny person, but that isn't me right now. You may have the ability to flick a switch and go from sad and gloomy to happy in 2.5 seconds, but I don't; believe me, I wish I did. Do you think I actually enjoy feeling miserable, hopeless, and depressed? I certainly don't and would love you to feel the way I do and have people tell you to "cheer up", "smile", "be happy", "life isn't that bad", "life is what you make it", etc., well F#@* off! It doesn't work that way for me. Your little beady eyes and happy shining face don't make me feel any better; you only serve as a grim reminder of the person I wish I could be right now. Sometimes my gloomy depressing moods are a choice, but not all the time. I can't choose to feel HAPPY right now like you think I need to be. I am

Hmmmm. I'm again struggling to find my feelings. I know they exist somewhere within but can't seem to access the root of my pain. I've felt overwhelmingly depressed today and I can't determine why. I could hardly bring myself to get out of bed. I feel a cloud of gloom hovering over my head, blocking the light of day. The very second I think I'm ok, my eyes begin to fill with tears welling from within the hidden unknown of my soul. I unknowingly block family and friends out of my life, ignoring their desperate attempts to find a glimpse of the wonderful person they know hides somewhere within the encapsulation of my being. I love the person I used to be, and also long to find even the faintest resemblance of her, but she is nowhere to be found. I don't even know where to begin searching, as if I am almost afraid to look beyond the person I've become.

J I know you sent a m essage to my old email address in a desperate attempt to contact me. You must know I blocked you from my new addresses and haven't contacted you in months for a reason. I love you, but I have to let go of you, the past, my dreams, and the sweet memories I have of you. Please let me go too, so you can move on and open your heart to someone new. I'm sorry it had to end this way, despite all the plans we made when we were young, in love, and in our teens. We had the best of intentions, but our plans didn't work out. I've moved on and must continue on the path I chose. Please, please let me go...

A few nights ago I had a very disturbing dream which involved J and I having sex. I've never had a dream where I actually participated in sex with someone, and it felt so weird to have such an intimate dream about someone other than my spouse. In the dream my emotions weren't really involved, but subconsciously I wanted to have sex with J, although afterwards I felt disappointed and upset. Although my feelings weren't involved in my dream I did feel strange and almost guilty when I awoke. I struggled about whether or not to tell G about my dream and decided I needed to tell him. I need him to understand the struggle I face, and I think he understands. I wonder if my dream simulates what would happen in reality if something similar to my dream actually occurred? Lately I thought I was doing so well in coping with the loss of a dear friend and love of my life. I haven't dreamed of him for such a long time, then I became flooded by such an intense and intimate dream. Dream

Wow, it has been some time since my last post. I've been so busy with work this week I haven't had time to hardly check my email. I went on vacation for 9 days to my home and it was wonderful. I didn't want to leave, but brought a little bundle of joy home with me. G and I purchased a 10 week old Maltese female puppy on our last day. She went on the plane with us and didn't cry at all. She weighs only 1.8lbs at 11 weeks and has such a cute personality. She is like having a child and requires constant supervision so she doesn't have an accident. I started taking an antidepressants medication a few weeks ago. I struggled with the thought, but figured I would give it a try. My doctor convinced me my Seratonin levels are low. I have felt nauseous lately, and also noticed I feel numb and unable to access my feelings. I will try the drug for a month or two to see if I notice a significant change.

I've never understood why people have to be so judgmental and stereotypical? It is very difficult for a sweet, petite, blond haired, blue eyed, woman to be taken seriously in all venues of the business world. People look at me like I am dumb all the time and I can't stand their infantile treatment. I know I would be given significantly more respect if I just dyed my hair brown to appease the business world. I must work at least twice as hard to earn respect from those I work with or encounter during my daily endeavors. Dang you blonds who act so ditzy! I actually graduated in the top 3% of my class, probably higher if the level of recognition was documented below 3%. I wasn't the top student due to one class in which I received a measly 93%, because I was so ill the day of the final I couldn't even coherently read the test. Since I was 20, I've constructed a successful online bookstore, from which I've earned more in a month than my current post grad salary. I s

Saturday I hit an all time low. A few weeks ago my physician prescribed Zoloft to help with my stress levels, but I'm sure he had other reasons for prescribing it considering I broke down in tears in his office. I finally decided to try it on Saturday. I hoped it would make me feel better, but I only felt worse. I felt light headed, nauseous, lost my appetite, so tired, extremely depressed and suicidal, and as if I were a walking zombie. I hated the feeling and vowed I needed to find some other way to get through life. The same day we were planning to purchase a house, but the deal fell through at the last minute. It was an awesome opportunity in which we stood to make at least 60k or more in 3 months on the house. I felt so defeated and upset all our efforts to purchase the house failed over a petty scheduling issue. The second we walked out of the door though I felt a huge burden lifted off my shoulders. I didn't realize the tremendous amount of stress entering into another

Last week something I found on G's computer led me to believe he knew about my blog and didn't tell me. I had to post something here to see if he knew. After not mentioning anything or acting differently for 4 days I finally confronted G and insisted he tell me how he knew about J. He really knew nothing of my blog and said it would be dumb for him to lie about something like this and conjure up such a strange story about J. He said he would have flat out told me if he did know about J in some other way. Part of me doesn't want to believe him, but I know he is telling me the truth. I had to know the truth before I could put 100% into our relationship. I want a family, but don't want to have any regrets once I become pregnant. I don't ever want to look back or feel as if he tried to manipulated me or trap me into this relationship. I doubt he would do it, but I had to know. Last Sunday when I thought he lied to me I felt so defeated, as if I had to start all over aga

I didn't want to believe you could be so shallow and low, but now I know. You can tell me you love me and would do anything for me, but the truth is you would do anything to keep me even if it meant resorting to your old tactics of lying and cheating. If you would have been honest we may have been able to stand a chance but your desperation cost you any chance in the future with me. I feel so disappointed and disgusted because I thought our relationship was actually improving with potential for the future. I guess it does no good to pretend anymore, a relationship can't work when built on lies; we should both know from experience. I can NEVER trust you again! You were trying to save our relationship, but by lying when I was willing to come clean you destroyed any chance we may have had. There is nothing you can do that can make me happy...don't you realize that! It isn't YOU that has the control to make me happy, I have to find happiness from within and I can only do so

I still hang on every word In a world of faded memories Where you're still in love with me I can see it in your eyes A look as if your major tom has lost control I must hold on This happens all the time I still find my faith in you I can't hold on This happens all the time I still find my way to you If the dreams all that I got Then I wish you in a fairy tale Where you're still in love with me I can see it in your eyes A look as if your hero fell and lost his soul I must hold on This happens all the time I still find my faith in you I can't hold on This happens all the time I still find my way to you Cold~ Happens all the Time

I still miss J so much! I still think about him all the time and still wonder what it could have been like if we received another chance. I wish I could leave the hell I am living in to find out, but fear the repercussions of my actions. I feel like I am doomed to live a life of misery. I hate my life, and don't even know why it is worth living. I feel like I am continually wandering blindfolded though life, only walking the opposite direction of the happiness I seek closer to the depths of despair. I don't feel like I have anything to look forward to in this life. I wonder if I will ever find contentment. Anytime I think something may make me happy, I only feel more miserable when I obtain it. I can't find contentment within myself and wish I knew how. I know I can't expect others or things to bring me happiness.

On my way home from a hectic day at work I determined I've been shutting down my emotions lately. I have to, just to make it through a day of hell at work every day. I hate that I am resorting to old coping mechanisms, which I've worked so hard to refrain from. I hate my job more than I could ever say. My supervisor is a vindictive bitch! The nature of my job requires a very flexible schedule, which rarely affords time for lunch. Lately I've only been able to take my lunch at the end of the day and proceeded to go home afterwards. On Friday I received a long email from my supervisor, who also forward the email to her supervisor stating that I can't take my lunch at the end of the day and I can't flex my overtime because my coworkers might want to do the same? What the hell? Policy states that I must flex my overtime if at all possible and refrain from overtime whenever possible. I like the policy because it means my job won't necessarily become my life. She stat

Yesterday is a wrinkle on your forehead Yesterday is a promise that you've broken Don't close your eyes, don't close your eyes This is your life and today is all you've got now Yeah, and today is all you'll ever have Don't close your eyes Don't close your eyes This is your life, are you who you want to be This is your life, are you who you want to be This is your life, is it everything you dreamed that it would be When the world was younger and you had everything to lose Yesterday is a kid in the corner Yesterday is dead and over This is your life, are you who you want to be This is your life, are you who you want to be This is your life, is it everything you dreamed that it would be When the world was younger and you had everything to lose Don't close your eyes Don't close your eyes Don't close your eyes Don't close your eyes This is your life are you who you want to be This is your life are you who you want to be This is your life, are you