The craziness in My Mind!

I have been really struggling with my purpose in life lately. I don't know why I am here or even what to believe anymore. A recent bible study rocked the foundation I thought I stood on in regard to my faith. I have so many unanswered questions, and can't seem to find answers I can believe. I hate feeling lost and confused about something as important as my faith. I feel like I am such a failure that I can't even breathe without sinning and becoming more of an abomination to God, thus I wonder...what is the point of even trying to be something I wasn't created to be as a human? It seems the bible is ridden with hypocrisy...so what am I to believe. I hope I live long enough to discover the TRUTH.

On the other hand, I dreamed about J again this morning...a few moments before my alarm went off an hour early. All day I pondered as to depicting my dream with words so it can remain in my mind, or merely letting it fade into the facade it more than likely was. Although I don't want to remember the dream, I think I can only let it go buy writing it down. So here goes:
All day I watched J with friends in a whirlwind of events on the 4th of July (yet there was snow?). I was supposed to get ready for an evening with G and friends, but ran out of time, so I thought I looked horrible. While eating desert inscribed with "sweet nothings" with G and some friends, J happened to sit right in between us. I felt calm, intrigued, yet amiss as to why he was there and G wasn't throwing a fit. Before I knew it, J followed me into the Ladies' Room. We met in a stall and gazed at each other, then embraced. We began to flirt and I could tell he remembered all the good times from the past, and still adored me. With him looking so adorable our eyes locked and we kissed. It did not feel like a dream to any extent. The butterflies in my stomach were a whirlwind. He quickly pulled away because he felt the same as I. We both knew this moment would only make being apart more difficult. Despite our reservations we kissed again, which was more amazing than the first time...then the alarm went off! I did feel full of energy from such an invigorating, yet guilty dream. I don't know why I dreamed it, because I know the person I used to see in J only exists in my fading memories. It was JUST A DREAM. I think I am lacking any romantic connection in my marriage, which makes this aspect of my life more difficult.

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