Damn Crazy Dreams Freak Me Out!
Last weekend I read my entire journal and realized it was almost one year since I told G the truth about J. I convinced myself there was no way G could have possibly dreamed the dreams he did one year ago because everything he said was exactly what I wrote in my journal and more. I wrote a few posts, which I won't post now, with an attempt to finally force G to reveal he has been reading my journal. I felt infuriated that he could continue lying to me when I told him the truth about J.
After heated conversations and me revealing small pieces about my anger, G finally told me he found my journal, but only read a small portion. He said he didn't want to read it without me present and without my permission. He said in his dreams he watched someone create a file on our computer "named for what it was"? We were both confused at the time, but he told me he found the hidden file on our computer named "Hurts!" several months ago (yeah... he didn't tell me!). I never created the file, but low and behold, it contained about 15 documents I created, yet deleted a long time ago! It also contained some photos of J I never saved and journal entries from my journal that I did not create. I freaked out when I saw the files were all created on 7/1/05 in the morning less than one minute apart, yet the edit dates ranged from 2001-2005 when I first created some of the documents. My journal entries were edited on the day and time of creation. I couldn't believe the coincidence, because the entire folder was supposedly created when G was actually dreaming about it. I was so shocked and confused when G opened the file I asked if he was going to read the contents, and he said he didn't care. I told him to delete the file then and he did, even emptied the trash can. Then I decided I wanted to read the files I did not ever create, but our attempts to retrieve the files even after downloading various recovery programs proved futile.
I am still shocked. G thought the folder was my journal, and was surprised when I told him I never saved my journal on our computer. I guess he really didn't know about my "blog" and supposedly still doesn't. I know he could find it if he really wanted to, but insists he doesn't want to read it without me. So once again, I can relax and pray that our marriage will not return to a point where we can't communicate.
After heated conversations and me revealing small pieces about my anger, G finally told me he found my journal, but only read a small portion. He said he didn't want to read it without me present and without my permission. He said in his dreams he watched someone create a file on our computer "named for what it was"? We were both confused at the time, but he told me he found the hidden file on our computer named "Hurts!" several months ago (yeah... he didn't tell me!). I never created the file, but low and behold, it contained about 15 documents I created, yet deleted a long time ago! It also contained some photos of J I never saved and journal entries from my journal that I did not create. I freaked out when I saw the files were all created on 7/1/05 in the morning less than one minute apart, yet the edit dates ranged from 2001-2005 when I first created some of the documents. My journal entries were edited on the day and time of creation. I couldn't believe the coincidence, because the entire folder was supposedly created when G was actually dreaming about it. I was so shocked and confused when G opened the file I asked if he was going to read the contents, and he said he didn't care. I told him to delete the file then and he did, even emptied the trash can. Then I decided I wanted to read the files I did not ever create, but our attempts to retrieve the files even after downloading various recovery programs proved futile.
I am still shocked. G thought the folder was my journal, and was surprised when I told him I never saved my journal on our computer. I guess he really didn't know about my "blog" and supposedly still doesn't. I know he could find it if he really wanted to, but insists he doesn't want to read it without me. So once again, I can relax and pray that our marriage will not return to a point where we can't communicate.
Comments
I was wasting time today (it's too hot out to do anything) and happened upon your blog. Was glad to do so because I'm experiencing relationship turmoil as well and is always nice to see that I'm not the only one who gets crippled by this love stuff. I'm actually working up the balls to break up with my girlfriend after she gets off work tonight- that's not why I'm commenting though. I read your last several entries and noticed that you were wondering why G went to bed so early sometimes when he doesn't have to get up early the next day. I do the same thing to my girlfriend when I'm annoyed with her or I have an issue with her that I don't know how or don't have the energy to attempt to work out or if I'm worried that bringing something up will create more friction. It's an easy escape. Sorry if that's hurtful to hear, but that's most likely what he's doing. You Pisceans are very loving and giving people, but you're also a load emotionally. I'm willing to bet that he's an air sign and it is difficult for him to be as involved and communicative as you need him to be.
I can relate to your pain, and feel like I am creating similar negative situations with my girlfriend (also a Pisces) as he is with you. I wish you all the luck and will continue to check your blog to see how it is going.
I read quite a bit of your blog late last night and had several thoughts on your situation. My girlfriend (technically my ex right now) is a Pisces as well, and whether you believe that the alignment of the heavens at the time of someone's birth has an effect on someone's personality make-up or not, I can see a lot of similarities between you and her. I also see some similarities between your husband and I. I usually tend not to give my thoughts or advice if not asked for them. If you are not interested in hearing them (I have a lot and not all would be comfortable to hear), please consider seeing a counselor of some sorts- it has helped me out tremendously with my love problems and at the very least gives one an objective person to bounce thoughts and feelings off of.
Be well and I hope you find peace within all this. While I can't relate to most of the experiences you describe, I can certainly identify with how this all feels.
I don't mind you adding a link to my blog at all. I actual journal online in the hope of receiving feedback. It is nice to have an unobjective opinion and a place I can share my true thoughts and feelings, so thanks.
Clarity in our relatinship(s) and clarity in our lives is what we both are looking for. Cheers to us in that we may find it.
You're situation sounds much more complicated than mine. Answer me a question, Pisces- how in touch are you with your intuition, your gut-feelings?