The so called bottomless pit...

For two weeks I haven't been able to sleep restfully. The last two nights I've been plagued by dreams of J. I feel so much pressure to run I can hardly breathe. One of my friends was just diagnosed with stage 4 kidney cancer and given less than 6 months to live. I wish I could take his place, because I don't know how I can go on living a lie. It isn't fair for him to die when he is in love with his wife and has a 1 year old daughter. I feel as if I have nothing but the illusion I created for myself. Today at church we had to write down what we were before and after Christ. I said "depressed (anger turned inward) and bitter" and "forgiven and free". Honestly, I still feel depressed, angry, guilty, and unworthy. For once in my life I wish I could break free from the chains of pain and hopelessness. I don't know why thoughts of J have become so overwhelming lately; and I feel so guilty every time thoughts of him flood my mind. I try to block them out, but the pressure has become too great. I can't see myself being able to live the rest of my life stuck in a marriage I've lost all hope for. On the other hand, I don't know how I could live with myself if I failed to fulfill my vows. It seems no matter what choice I make I will ultimately end up in failure (I've failed myself, my family, my spouse, God, J, my dreams, at achieving joy and peace). How do I get out of the bottomless pit of my life?

Comments

Anonymous said…
Depression is a tricky thing. Personally, I'd suggest not doing anything that would result in unalterable results, like, for instance, killing one's self. Other than that, though, if you hold on long enough, things change. Either your approach to them will change or how the other people involved will change.

I understand your concerns about divorce and what that says about your faithfullness to your beliefs. Truly, I do. I went through very similar things, though, I think, to a lesser degree, when I got my divorce. Of course, it helped me that my now ex-wife chose to cheat on me and leave the marriage physically. That made it much, much easier for me to file. In the end, though, I was the one who had to choose and take charge of my life.

No matter what you decide, remember that you're the only one who has to live with that choice, not anyone who gives you advice, so choose for yourself, not to please anyone else.
Hang in there.
10/02/2006 8:56 AM
Searching for the Answers... said…
NG~ Thanks for your comments! I think not sleeping well for over 3 weeks now it having its toll on me. I should call my blog Sleepless in the South!
10/04/2006 8:18 AM
brian luenemann said…
Have you thought about anti-depressant or anti-anxiety meds? I'm not a big fan of pharmaceuticals (not ones made by pharmaceutical companies anyways), but I think those have their place and worth. If I wasn't about to punch my ticket out of here, I'd be seeking out a prescription. My mom used to talk about a "bottomless pit" years ago. After she got on zoloft she can handle her days. Just a suggestion. Please don't live the rest of your life feeling like that.
10/04/2006 10:29 PM
Searching for the Answers... said…
graeme~
See my posts from one year ago. I was on anti-depressants and felt more depressed than ever, not to mention nauseaus. I an not depressed all the time, but not being able to sleep certainly has it's toll on my psyche. I primarily use my blog as an outlet for stressfull or depressing times, so it probably comes across as if I am am severely depressed ALL the time (not true). I do appreciate your concern, but I refuse to take anti-depressants again! I took three kinds with no success for "migraines". I know they can work for some people, but I guess I'm not one or don't have the patience to try every kind.
10/05/2006 1:08 PM
brian luenemann said…
Sorry, I had gone back that far back in June, but had forgotten. Hope you find something that works. Life's hard enough on it's own so much of the time, sucks even worse on little to no sleep.
10/06/2006 9:38 PM
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