Think Happy Thoughts....?
I feel the temptation slowly creeping in AGAIN! I don't believe in divorce, thus despite my current relational problems I must try to make the best with what I have. I know I've been warned in the past to stop thinking outside the box (per say about my marriage). I can't change anyone but myself and need to accept those around me for who they are (ie. G). By the way, he did fix my tire yesterday. I need to focus on the good instead of dwelling on the negative and past. Even though I may not have been of a sane persona when I decided to marry G at the spur of a moment, I think I need to live with my mistake and make the best with what I have. The problem arises, because I am SELFISH, and only looking out for my own selfish desires, not the greater good of humanity. I believe I can choose to work with God's plan or against it, and in the end his plan will reign anyways with or without me. Why in the hell must I have such a strong subconscious? I know my life would be so different if I didn't. Maybe I would be extremely happy or more miserable than I already am?
I don't' want to believe one damn thing I just wrote!
G is pretending that nothing is wrong and nothing happened with our relationship earlier this week. He doesn't take me seriously and has no idea how close I actually was to leaving his sorry ass. This absolutely inferiorates me!
Things I "think" I really want:
I don't' want to believe one damn thing I just wrote!
G is pretending that nothing is wrong and nothing happened with our relationship earlier this week. He doesn't take me seriously and has no idea how close I actually was to leaving his sorry ass. This absolutely inferiorates me!
Things I "think" I really want:
- a chance to know if J and I could ever have a healthy relationship
- a divorce
- my master's degree
- a child
- to live in San Diego and afford to live (probably because J lives there?) I really want to live near my family.
- to do what ever the hell I want without fearing the repercussions of my actions
- to go to heaven
Comments
Look, I'm not telling you to get divorced, but don't reject it out of hand because someone convinced you it was the Christian thing to do, either. Do you have a minister that you can talk to about all this? Maybe they can help you sort some of this out.
Thank you for your comment, I appreciate any and all thoughts about my posts.
The bible warns against divorce and mentions a woman shall remain single if she does divorce or the penalty will be death for participating in fornication. The bible also has many regulations and rules, but frequently they are taken out of context in regard to the time the book was written (for example: it says women shall not wear braided hair or gold jewelry, yet at the time a temple worshiping a goddess (don't recall which one?) was next to the church. Orgies would occur at this church with the women wearing braids and gold jewelry. Many who worshiped the goddess began to convert to Christianity, and attended the Christian church. The command was made so those in the church would not be tempted and conceive the wrong impression.)
I would guess less than 10% of all "rules/laws" in the bible apply to all people for all time. I typically ask myself if through my actions, "am I loving God and my neighbor?" Thus, I think divorcing would not be loving my spouse.
Unfortunately, I don't think I could talk to my pastor about this, but possibly his wife. I already know the answer I would receive though. I frequently ask myself the same questions, but remain in fear, for twice the same verses were brought to my attention...warning against adultery.
These are my thoughts from research. Plese don't feel offended.
But, remember, the "most important law" was to love your neighbor AS YOURSELF. Is it very caring of yourself to keep putting yourself through emotional torment and pain? If you saw someone suffering this treatment at the hands of their husband in church, or across the street, how would you feel?
For me, my religious beliefs have to be about a better way to live, not following a dogma that makes me hate my life. I cannot concieve of a caring, loving God that would want that for me.
What advice would you give your best friend if she/he were going through what you have written in your last few posts? My friend that I mentioned in the previous comment- I couldn't no longer talk to her because she was believing that God wanted them to stay together, even though her husband had been convicted of having sexual relationships with boys while he was a counselor at a camp for troubled teens. She finally saw the light and divorced him last year and is in a much, much better space now- but the heads of her church had her convinced for over a year that she was supposed to be a loyal wife to a damn child molestor. Consider for a moment that God is more contemporary than the bible has made him out to be and he's telling you (through what sounds like your truest feelings)that you made a mistake in marrying G and you've learned from it and now make a change to align your life with what you feel is right for you.
I don't know what else to say. I hardly know you but I hate the thought of you staying with G when you know it is not what you should continue. Is it fair to you or G to stay in this when your heart is obviously not in it and doesn't sound like it will be again? I guess being fresh out of a relationship that made me extremely unhappy gives me a lot of ammunition to throw at others in a similar situation. I'll just finish by saying that I agree with network geek 100% because he seems to be speaking more eloquently than I about this right now.
Thanks for your comments. I am trying so hard to find the right direction in my life. I am not always miserable with G, and actually much happier now than I've been in a long time (with G). As much as I would love to leave without any regrets, I fear the unknown. I'm not certain I could really make it on my own. Even my thoughts of the future (5-10 years) include G. So, I really don't know? I'm glad I have a venue to sort through my confusion.
Still, I understand and respect your decision to stay. I made a similar decision in my own marriage. I decided to stay and be miserable for the rest of my life because that was what commitment meant to me. Sadly, my ex-wife decided that it meant something different to her and has moved on to her fourth husband.
In the end, you must do what you think is right and what God calls you to do. I know that the God I believe in wouldn't ask me to do make that decision again. In fact, my ex-wife leaving was evidence to me that God wanted something different for me. He took that burden from me so that I would not have to suffer it any longer. At the time, of course, I couldn't see it that way. And, it's only afterward that I choose to interpret the events in that light. Who am I to know God's plan?
Good luck, with whatever your ultimate decision is, but, please, don't make such an important decision alone. Find someone you trust that you can talk to about it, that might have a different perspective.