Searching for the Answers...

I realized after reading over my blog that I didn't write about the most amazing, yet challenging aspect of my life. About one month ago G went to a men's breakfast at church where the topic of "fathers and daughters" was discussed. He mentioned some of the information while we were on our way to acupuncture . I absolutely lost it and broke down in tears. I realized I still harbored negative feelings towards my dad for making mistakes during my childhood. I though I had forgiven him, but realized I hadn't, which broke my heart. My acupuncturist mentioned that emotions stored in our bodies actually can manifest as illnesses. Interestingly enough, I developed asthma and allergies about the same time as I began holding resentments against my father. I decided I needed to confront the issue head on and let him know I was sorry for blocking him out of my life and wanted to tell him I forgave him for everything. Due to the complexity of the issue I procrastinated and af

I've been thinking a lot about marriage lately. It seems my views have changed substantially since I first entered into the " institution " of marriage; from walking down the isle thinking of divorce, to not being able to image the aftermath. Several close friends are going through divorce right now and I can't see anything good about it. I won't deny that G does drive me insane quite frequently, when I imagine how nice it would be to not deal with his crap. However, I hope I never have to face the tragedy of divorce. I think I may have already mentioned this, but I finally forgave my dad for everything he put me through over 15 years ago. In the process I realized that I was also at fault for completely blocking him out of my life. It was literally the most difficult process of my life! I also realized that my parents resent me for moving away. I'm always the one to call my mom, so I began an experiment. I decided to see how long it would take for her to ini

I guess that's me! G and I attended a marriage conference that introduced us to the concept of "The Flag Page" ( flagpage .com). The flag page helps you determine what motivates and drives you in life. It helps us determine why we make certain decisions and choices in our lives. We both took ours and I am Perfect Peace. I scored the following 149-perfect, 138- peace, 78-control, and 23-fun. The above list the 4 potential countries one is from. Obviously my "fun button" is broken! The first sentence of "my story" describes me perfectly and explains the essence of my blog, "she is a specialist in attention to detail, thinking deeply about issues that matter, and passionately pursuing the right path". Perfect people are also very sensitive and can be hurt very easily. The page also provides a score for soft and hard traits. My hard traits are 41 higher than my soft, making me an extremely hard natured. A difference of 15 or less makes someone

I've been wanting to address this issue for several months. My mom mentioned a few months ago that our decisions in life stem from value judgements. Value judgements result as one experiences life, then makes a decision about how life will be lead according to the positive or negative experience. Value judgements mold the essence of our being and provide a small window into our soul. For example, as a result of growing up in an alcoholic home, I decided I would never let alcohol hurt my family. I didn't drink at all until I was at least 21, and only became intoxicated a few times. I quickly realized a negative habit forming when I craved alcohol to cover up my emotions, so I no longer drink at all. My dad also had an affair that I had to tell my mom about. I resented him for being so selfish and subconsciously swore I would never be with or tolerate a cheater. To my dismay, I married one and essentially became one myself. Thus, my judgement may explain my torment in my decisi

What a difference a week can make! On Monday I started drinking 3 cups of a specialized Chinese herbal formula. I noticed an immediate difference. For the first time in three months I had energy and didn't crash in the afternoon. The same effects have continued thought the week and I'm even experiencing fewer hot flashes. The only problem is that the formula makes me gag, but it is a small price for the awesome effects. During my Thursday acupuncture treatment my acupuncturist asked if I experience difficulty with decision making. I thought about it, and completely agreed. Prior to her blunt question, I never viewed myself as indecisive. She said it can be cause by an issue with the gall bladder and liver. Supposedly she treated both during my session, so I will see if I feel more decisive. Earlier this week I could not decide if I wanted to take my final injection or not. Once I thought I made up my mind to get the injection, my acupuncturist called and told me she found seve

The last week has been a blur, complicated by incessant migraines and fatigue. I feel as if I'm literally loosing my mind. I can't remember the events of one day from the next. In the last 1.5 months I've made two mistakes paying my bills, resulting in extra charges and likely decreases in my credit score. I swear I completed the bill payments correctly, yet have nothing to prove otherwise. I've NEVER screwed up my bills before and have twice in 1.5 months? It just doesn't equate? I also have a huge list of things to take care of. I make several calls per week, yet still can't get any of them resolved. I ask G to make the calls and he forgets or doesn't have time. When he does make a call it seems he can reach resolution in a few minutes, when it takes me weeks or months. I hate that I must ask for help because I'm used to taking care of myself, the dogs, working and going to school full time, and our entire household. For some reason I can't even m

After 8 years I finally apologized to my friend for being a terrible friend. I had a disturbing dream about her a few weeks ago, which highlighted how I really perceived her. In high school she became pregnant and told me she wanted to have an abortion. She could not legally have an abortion without her parent's consent , yet she found a doctor to perform the procedure. I begged her to not go through with killing an innocent life and told her she would regret her decision for the rest of her life. Little did I know that I would regret my decision to be what I considered a "good" friend at the time. Because I couldn't change her mind I decided to support her by helping her get the money to pay the doctor and going with her. I will never forget the trauma I experienced when I heard the machine chopping up her innocent child. Afterwards the doctor gave her birth control pills and told her to abstain from sex for at least 2 weeks. Well she met a new guy a few days e

Although I've been extremely busy the past week, efforts to hopefully improve my health seemed to fall into place. I learned that one of my clients is studying Chinese medicine and acupuncture . She made me an appointment for Saturday for a consultation and acupuncture session. I'm excited, yet a little hesitant since I prefer to avoid needles. She said acupuncture has been proven to increase infertility and help with numerous other health issues such as poor circulation, asthma, and allergies. I also went to the gym for the first time in over a year! Graeme would be so proud that I attended my first yoga session. I'm not so sure about the whole yoga thing yet, but am willing to give it a try. I have a few days left of my "trial" gym membership to decide. I certainly felt a little sore afterwards. I also tried to use the elliptical machine and felt like an old woman. I am so out of shape, I could hardly breathe after only a half mile because of an asthma attack

First, sorry I haven't written in over a month, if I even have any readers left. I have been wanting to write for some time, but I just don't have the time. I went to my home town for a great 3 week visit! Unfortunately, I came home to the same craziness I wanted to leave behind. I read my last blog earlier today and it made me cry; I wasn't prepared to feel the emotions of everything I am dealing with. I try so hard to keep my health issues to myself, because I don't want to seem like the self absorbent person, who uses illness to gain attention. My blog seems to be my only true release. People always ask me how I am doing or feeling and I give the generic "fine", even though they are probably thinking I look terrible. Every day is such a struggle to get out of bed. I'm so glad I have a job where people rely on me, otherwise I would not get out of bed. I wake up every day feeling like I have a horrible hang over, with every muscle aching (as if I did a st

The last three weeks have been full of ups and downs. I was an emotional wreck the first week after my surgery. In week two I moved into what I thought was "acceptance", but more along the lines of denial. In week three I moved to post-denial, which is where I write from today. The more I research my "condition", the more hopeless I feel. The more I read about the injection I received to help my endometriosis go into remission, the more I doubt my decision. Some people say it ruined their life and still have negative side effects over 10 years later. The optimist in me doesn't want to believe the negative things I've read, because people tend to vent when upset, rather than rave when experiencing wonderful effects. It is sometimes used to treat advanced prostate cancer. I almost wish I were diagnosed with cancer, because at least I might die from it, rather than living the rest of my life in pain. Endometriosis could actually be considered a benign type

As many of you know, I underwent surgery on Thursday. The doctor let me go home, but I was in unbearable pain and passed out 3 times- every time I tried to get up. G called the on-call nurse and she told him to bring me into the doctor. I went to the doctor's office on Friday morning and he reviewed the results with us, then sent me to the ER. They did CT scans and an EKG to rule out blood clots or major complications. They couldn't find anything but gave me stronger pain medication and fluids. I returned home from the hospital yesterday at 7 pm. My doctor said I have severe endometriosis that invaded all of my reproductive organs. He mentioned the severity has been causing my infertility. He removed as much as he could, but could not access the portions growing inside of my organs. He said the surgery will not be effective for more than 1-2 months because it will grow back to the same level in only 1-2 months. My only other option was to take the drug that puts me into a state

Only a few more days until my big surgery. I'm not able to think about it due the the immeasurable pain I've been in the last few days. I can't take ANY medication before my surgery and just started my period yesterday. In over a decade I have never made it through my period without heavy medications and now I have nothing! Even with my regular medications, the pain is unbearable. It seems that the cramps the week before I started this time were the same intensity as a normal period, and the first three days I usually can't even get out of bed. Last night I went to bed early in tears with a massive migraine and so much abdominal pain. I feel as if someone has a mixer on high, with knives attached and is ripping apart my insides, not to mention it feels like some one kicked me 15 times in my lower back. I am essentially living breath to breath right now. I can't wait until I can wake up from my surgery heavily medicated so I don't feel the pain anymore. The only

I just realized my last post was #200! I've written quite a bit in a little over two years and have grown so much. I can't believe how much I've moved forward to a happier place. Blogging has definitely played a huge role in my development. I have a lot of news since my last post. We returned from our mini vacation on Saturday. We had so much fun! Sadly, my sister left this morning, but I will be home in about 5 weeks. I thought being so close to J would be difficult, but didn't think about him very much. I occasionally looked for him at the different beaches and thought about what he might be doing, but it wasn't an overwhelming feeling. I did envy his job to no end. As I love sea animals and couldn't imagine being a dolphin trainer. Someday I would love to just touch one. I feel confident in my decision to stay with G. J assumes a life different than I ever imagined for myself. Although, I assume it would be much different if we ended up together. The above p

Yesterday, G left for Cabo San Lucas, Mexico for "work". I was quite upset, because as of Tuesday he still hadn't emailed me his itinerary. He made a huge deal about having to go to work before he left because he "forgot" every day for the last week to email it to me. I was feeling a bit paranoid about ulterior motives because it seemed like he was trying to hide something, but I feel fine now. I can trust that he isn't the same person he used to be and is a responsible, committed husband. Hence, only 6/15 people made it fishing today because they were hung over and only 3 actually fished because the others were sea sick. I'm happy he could go, but a little jealous because I want to be there too! He is staying in a $400/night room at the ME Cabo ...seems like a very nice, trendy resort. He is eating lobster for dinner every night. Today he went fishing today and caught a 150lb blue marlin! He is also fishing tomorrow and then coming home on Saturday

Ever since I was little and went through the stages of changing "what I wanted to be when I grew up", only one aspect of my dreams remained constant...I wanted to be a parent. After several years of living in fear and denial, I've finally decided to accept that I may not have children. My fear has prevented me from scheduling a surgery I should have undergone probably a decade ago. As a result I have lived in unbearable pain for far too long! I feel at peace and ready to finally face the biggest hurdle in my life. I am prepared to deal with any findings or complications that may arise as I go under and awake to hear the results of my surgery. Out of the hundreds of possibilities, I know God has a greater plan for my life. Whether his plan involves continuing to trudge through this life or the long awaited reunion with him. I can say, I've finally found the peace I've been searching for and the courage to follow through. "The peace of God, which transcends all

I've been incredibly busy lately with school and work. I rarely have a moment to myself. I've been trying to schedule my next surgery for 2 months now. I keep playing phone tag with the doctor's office. I haven't had time to call in the last week, but hopefully will on Friday. I haven't been sleeping well at all and feel so wired. I have to spend all day tomorrow in the classroom and need to get up in 3 hours now. I'm a little freaked out at the "risks" associated with the surgery I need to schedule. I may be able to get in as soon as July, but am hoping for mid August. I will be traveling home for 19 days around August, so I could save some vacation if I spent some time recovering while on my trip home. I can't believe how emotionally stable I feel, compared to my life 1-5 years ago. I think I'm getting much better at blocking my emotions. I've certainly been thinking of J more since I will be in his town in 3 weeks. No matter what I may f

As our trip to CA draws closer each day, I can't help but wonder why things can't be different between G, J, and I? In a sense, I wish J and I never had a serious relationship, but were just serious friends. I hate that we will be so close to him, yet can't even say "hi". I'm sure he knows the best beaches, could show us around , and would even let us meet his dolphins. Unfortunately, I had to ruin it by falling in love with him. Although, in hindsight, I don't think we would have been such great friends if we didn't fall in love.

Last night was yet another sleepless night. I stayed up watching the season finale of the Bachelor . I thought about why I like the show so much, and realized I get a chance to glimpse the perfectness and invigoration of new love. New Love is like a budding rose with sweet dew droplets , gently illuminated by the rays of the rising sun. New love is the first footprints on a pristine beach washed clean from high tide. New love is the smell of invigoration and renewal arising after a spring rainfall. New love is the taste of the first fruits of summer. New love is the fluttering in my chest after a sweet kiss or embrace. New love is the sight of light and eerie calmness on the ocean after a long and tumultuous storm. New love resembles the spark of an ignited firework that explodes and lights up the darkness. I felt very "poetic" when I started writing this. I thought of many more examples, of "old" love, but forgot. Maybe I will get on the kick another day. All I

a long day alone emptiness is so real never having peace of mind running from what i can't sing and there is nowhere left to hide turn and face these empty lies all alone, heart unturned trying to find break me down replace this fear inside take this nothingness from me i want to fight i want to shine i want to rise break me down i try to find myself i find the stranger trapped inside and i'll take one more step away from the face i used to recognize familiar shadows closing in suffocating fear descends you killed a life, uncovered eyes i'm trying to find break me down replace this fear inside take this nothingness from me i want to fight i want to shine i want to rise break me down replace this fear inside take this nothingness from me i want to fight i want to shine i want to rise break me down break me down i want to fight i want to shine i want to rise break me down (repeat) break me! Artist:Red ~Song:Break Me Down ~Album:End Of Silence

I can't believe I haven't posted for over a month! I guess that describes my life during the past month...insane. I was on the verge of a nervous break down a few weeks ago because I had too much to do and no time to do it. Thankfully, I managed to get an A in all my classes this semester and I now have 10 credits towards my Master's and 11 towards my teaching cert. I decided to only take two classes instead of 5 this semester, but will probably add one or two as I progress through the first two. The next classes are more difficult because I have 25 practicum hours and have to be in the classroom and tutor in the summer when there isn't school? I don't know how I am working full time and working on my Master's, plus volunteering, and doing church stuff every week. I get stressed just thinking about it, so I have to only focus on one day at a time. I had a two day break between semesters, and was at least able to catch up on a few things. I'm excited my sis

Nonetheless, I have been sick with a cold and sinus infection since Saturday. Becau se I recently had si nus surgery it is that much more painful. I was finally able to sleep for a few hours last night, but think I may be getting bronchitis since my inhaler hasn't been working for the last two days (just one full breath would be nice). I've been to the doctor at least 10 times this year... already! I joke that G should take out a nice life insurance policy on me (I know I shouldn't joke, but he does have a big insurance policy). I can't believe what my doctors told me when I was in 4 th grade, that "you will never live a normal life". Dang...if a girl could catch a break! So due to my illness I've taken the last 3 days off work. This means I will be able to take one less week of vacation to MT this summer :( On the upside of illness, I've been able to catch up on my school work a little over the last 2 days. My goal was 2 assignments/day and I've

Lately I've been super busy! My agenda for today: complete two assignments for school, hem my dress, give 2 dogs a bath, get the oil changed, go to the post office, clean the house, tan, volunteer for 2 hours at church, host small group tonight, make some phone calls for work and bake something for small group (wow, it is a little more overwhelming when written down!) No wonder my neighbors joke that I'm on drugs. Oh, my next door neighbors are rich Italians and one actually offered me coke last weekend at a community party- thanks to my other neighbor telling him I felt left out because I wasn't solicited yet! He is the only one we know who does drugs in our tight knit neighborhood and everyone thinks he is crazy. I just can't believe he actually thought I would do drugs or maybe he was too high to think straight? I guess he is supposed to be moving ( yay ) to a 5k sft home in a few months. It pisses me off that he tries to get other people hooked on drugs when we l

Yesterday I had surgery on my maxillary and ethnoid sinuses, and the inside of my nose because I have sinus disease. I wasn't upset or anxious until G said he was leaving to get something to eat right when I was taken back to be prepared for surgery. I couldn't believe he could be so inconsiderate since he was supposed to be there to support me and couldn't even wait until I was in surgery (one hour) to get something to eat. I broke down and didn't even want him there if all he could do was think about food. Looking back, I still can't believe he did that! I didn't feel nervous until I was actually laying on the operating table staring at the bright lights, but I was out after only a few minutes. I woke up in recovery coughing and choking on blood and couldn't breath. The nurses aspirated me and removed over 60 cc's of blood in about an hour from my throat and gave me a breathing treatment. I woke up with burning in my sinuses, my nose gushing blood

So, I'm having surgery in just a few hours . I thought I would be nervous and flustered, but I'm not at all despite the risks involved. After my last surgery I woke up in the middle of the procedure and afterwards the doctors couldn't get me to wake up from the anesthesia . After several hours I was finally in a semi- conscious state, but couldn't walk for 4 days! My only concern is the long recovery period, but I am optimistic , because I don't think the results could be any worse than last time. I also have faith that what happens will be God's will, as I have so many awesome friends and family praying for me. The hardest part has been not being able to eat or drink anything for over 12 hours... I am starving! I also have a midterm to study for and take during my "recovery" period. I hope I can pull it off!

I forgot to write about a nice thing G did for me. A few weeks ago the threw me a surprise birthday party for my birthday and invited all of my friends. When I was gone he decorated the house and managed to put an entire dinner together. He bought me a cake, flowers, and made an awesome fondue dinner. Several people stayed and we sat in the spa, which was nice and relaxing. He is "supposed" to take me on a trip in a few weeks, but we have to wait until our puppies are old enough.

The last week has been terrible! I felt so overwhelmed and came to the point of saying " somethings gotta give". Thus, I am temporarily discontinuing youth group on Tuesday evenings. After driving to the testing facility 4 times I was finally able to take one of my midterm exams! The exam consisted of 10 multiple choice and 6 essays. When I pressed "enter" for my multiple choice section I couldn't even breathe when I saw that I got a 60%!!!! I almost walked out and withdrew from all of my classes. I was so angry, because I studied like hell for the test and my professor did not include any of the key points or information from the study guide on the exam. Instead, she used the most random facts from the book, none of which were included or ever mentioned in her lessons or study guide. Thus, I emailed her and told her exactly what I thought. I still haven't heard back, but was so relieved when she gave me a 100% on my essays meaning I obtained a measly 84%

Today I'm so frustrated! For the 3rd time I went to take one of my midterms and the facility was closed! I need to take the exam so I can stop studying and focus on a different course. I just can't believe it could happen 3 days in a row! I have to pick up G from the airport in about an hour. He called and told me the company offered him about 20% lower than the lowest amount he would possibly accept. He is quite upset and feels like the company wasted his time. He plans to call on Wednesday and tell them he won't accept their offer. I think he realized he needs to focus on "us" instead of "himself". I guess I will wait to see how the next few days play out, and hopefully I can take my test tomorrow!

A few days ago my old modeling agency called me out of the blue. Since we moved and I started working full time, I stopped caring about doing any type of acting/modeling. They asked me to do a catalog shoot next week and asked if I looked the same as my 2 year old pictures from my portfolio? I of course said YES! I'm not sure if they will call me back because I can only work 2 of the 3 days. I didn't even think to ask what kind of catalog, but have been thinking about how I used to look 2 years ago. I guess I don't look the same, as I've gained 10 lbs! I weigh as much as I did in high school and averaged 10-20 lbs less than I am now in college. Thus, I feel like a cow now and don't even want to do the shoot because I have to face my weight gain. I didn't sleep well last night and woke up at 3:30 am because I can't stop thinking about my weight and classes. I think the phone call made me realize I need to seriously consider my diet and start exercising again.

Lately I've been so stressed! Every time I have a day set aside to work on my school work something happens so I don't end up getting anything done. I was supposed to mail a package last Friday, and didn't get around to it. I asked G to mail it all this week and he blew it off. I couldn't since I had to attend state mandated trainings earlier this week and didn't get home until after 5 pm. So today I got ready and left for the post office at 3:40 pm. The line was out the door, so I drove to 2 other post offices that usually aren't so busy. Given my luck, one was closed indefinitely and the other one closed at 4 pm, so back I went to the first post office where I waited in line for 40 minutes!!! I didn't end up getting home until 5:30. I am so pissed! What a F... ing waste of my day! I usually weigh and ship letters from home, but this one had to be taken to the post office. Next weekend G is flying to MT for a 3rd interview and they want to show him how &q

On V-day I was shocked to receive an email from J's sister. I haven't seen or talked to her in 7-8 years and didn't even realize she remembered me. I'm wondering if J said something to her, because she mentioned a lot about J and repeated almost everything he recently told me, but in more detail. She said he has met a lot of new people and was engaged (but the girl has moved on I guess), but now is single still looking for that "special someone ". She told me how she was doing and asked how I was. It just seems odd I would hear from them both in such a short period of time. Do you think J asked his sister to email me or is it just a fluke? G and I did absolutely nothing for V-day. I have a card for him, but didn't give it to him yet, because I'm hoping he plans to do something this weekend. My only gift involved him mentioning he has a job offer in MT! Although he was super elated, I just couldn't share his joy for many reasons. First, he told me

So much for going to bed at 10 pm tonight. I feel like such an idiot! As I was browsing over my last few posts I realized G is my burden. I initially thought it was J. My life has been so miserable since I met G (my fault for not leaving). Every time something like this happens I some how convince myself it will be the last time, like the cycle of an abusive relationship where the battered person keeps returning to his/her abuser. I don't know why I can't let G go and move on to a better, happier place? I guess I am afraid of the unknown. Staying seems easier than taking the gamble of a better life (as I sit here with tears running down my face). I want to leave so badly, but feel like I am chained to my relationship with him. I think the only way I can ever leave is if someone physically removes me from this situation. I don't know how I can actually remove myself? I already feel so overwhelmed with all my commitments , let alone trying to navigate through a divorce and

Message received from J on myspace ... Sfta (in the words of Grame ), Hey there long time no talk I just thought I would say hi and see how you are doing. It looks like things are going great for you too. You both seem happy and that is great and key. You found yourself a great man and I am happy for you. I just wanted for you to say hi to everyone in your family too, I miss them all still. Tell Z congrats on getting married too. Good luck in all you do!! Looks as if everything is going great. As for me I am single again, and well still wondering if I will find that perfect someone, still in San Diego working with dolphins everyday. Take care, J Is there any underlying meaning or is he just trying to be cordial? I shouldn't even care. I wrote him back a generic message. If only he knew the real me and my so called "happy life".

This is an excerpt from a weekly message sent out by B.G. (don't know if I can use her name). Occasionally she shares messages she receives from God. This one really made me think about the creation, destruction, and release of burdens. They become so ingrained in our life to the point we don't even realize they are slowly poisoning us. I would encouraged anyone to truly think about the statement and reflect on the message during the next week, even if you don't believe in God or a higher power. "Come unto ME, and place your burdens at my feet. Open up each one of the burdens you are carrying around. Start with the heaviest one. It is the one that you have had the longest. It is the one that you do not really want to lose, because it has almost become a part of you. But, it is also the one that poisons you the most. Examine the heaviest burden carefully. You know in your heart exactly when you accepted this burden into your life. Tell me about this problem, and

I love this quote from one of my favorite new songs called "Missing Pages" from Seventh Day Slumber. I will have to think about what this statement means to me? Is my life a "symptom of a lost soul"? I know my soul isn't lost, but am I on the right path? I guess I will have to keep searching. By the way, I am dead tired today. I felt so energized yesterday after NO sleep I bathed and trimmed my dogs, cleaned my house, saw 6 clients, and finally took down my Christmas stuff. I did sleep last night, but obviously not long enough. I have 5 days of training left the next 3 weeks and am not looking forward to spending 2.5 hours in traffic each day or tomorrow .

Ok , so I didn't even sleep a wink last night. I should be dragging and crashed on the sofa right now, but I feel as if I slept all night. I'm actually feeling much better today and more full of energy than I normally do 75% of the time. CRAZY, I say. I feel like I am taking uppers or something, as I've been running around like crazy today. I don't care if I sleep or not as long as I feel good. I also feel joyous today, which I haven't felt for several years! Despite my great mood, I still haven't looked at my classes that started today. I know I will do well because I am a perfectionist. I've been pondering over writing a positive post about G for once. I just have to think of enough good things to say.

Life has been going so, so. No major meltdowns in the last week, as I've slowly been building myself up from my last break down (aka- last post). Again, I thought I was doing great until... da -duh - duuhhh ... I receive a "friend request" from (you guessed) J on myspace !!! Yes, yes. So, as I mentioned for the 100 th time I should be over him, I don't want to have feelings for him, so why is my stomach turning in knots right now and I feel like I can't breathe? Obviously, this reaction doesn't mean I'm completely over him (and I need to be over him). I guess my life is twisty and confusing, which I just need to accept. Ok , I'm going to bed and I WILL NOT dream about J. I will forget he ever requested me as a friend and not respond. Ok, so now it is 5 AM and I haven't been to sleep at all. I guess I was right in saying I would not dream about J, because I didn't sleep. Yay, it should be a fun day ahead. I am not an insomniac, so why can'

I'm on the verge of what...I don't know? I feel myself drifting into the verge of a breakdown, but hey, I could be on the verge of the ever illusive happiness and joy. The last several weeks have brought nothing but disappointment and devastation . I found out I have "sinus disease"...what ever that means other than chronic sinus infections, possible surgery, drugs, and pain. I have a follow up appointment in 2 weeks. I've been trying to sort through my ever increasing fertility issues and found out my insurance doesn't cover infertility, but will cover treatment for my extreme pain. All of the procedures I need, although related to my "pain", will be out of pocket since they can potentially "increase my fertility" (which is BS!). I also found out G has low sperm motility and count, so no wonder we can't produce anything. A few days ago I decided to register for classes. I didn't really think it through, but signed up as a full-tim