Lack of Determination
For some reason I haven't felt compelled to write lately. Maybe I have been too busy since G and I have spent every weekend for the last several months in a mad attempt to finish our yard, which still isn't completed. I went on a mini vacation and spent an entire week with my parents and sister, which was great. Although, this morning I felt ready for them to leave, yet now feel so alone. It is 3 pm and I am not even out of my PJ's yet... I don't know what is wrong with me. I don't feel driven to do anything. I don't remember the last time I cried, but I feel like doing so today, but I can't.
The entire time my parents were here, G irritated the heck out of me. Every time I asked him to help me with something he said no or ignored me. He went to bed every night at 8-9 pm, even when he didn't have to work, when he "supposedly" likes my family. I again felt myself feeling so disconnected from him. Maybe I was stressed having a full house?
So yesterday, while enjoying the great outdoors, G and I had a chance to talk. I told him I missed the "spark" in our marriage and wanted to find it again. He suggested moving so we could possibly have more time together. I suggested selling everything we own and moving to the Caribbean (if one of us could find a job). The allure of running away from problems seems so appealing, yet I know it won't solve anything in the end. If we can't work on our marriage in our current situation, changing our residence will not resolve our issues. I guess I feel somewhat discouraged, because I don't know how I can do anything to make our relationship better or being together more bearable. I am in search of contentment, which seems so illusive in my life.
On the topic of running away... My cousin is getting married this summer during a time when I was already planning to visit my family. My family already made reservations and said G and I could drive with them to her wedding. She was a bridesmaid in my wedding and I really want to go to her wedding, yet as I am faced with purchasing plane tickets I find myself avoiding the dates around her wedding. I have been struggling with what to do for several months now because I believe there is a chance J could attend her wedding since she actually introduced us and is good friends with J. As much as I would love to see J, I feel it would be detrimental to my marriage and could possible derail all the steps I've taken to remove him from my life. However, I don't even know if he will actually attend. In a way I am running away from facing my issues with J in this situation and in exchange will be missing out on something important to me. Why do I see running away from problems as wrong in one situation, yet the right choice in another? It seems so contradictory! Do I just face J once and for all and risk hurting my marriage, or do I continue to pretend and hide from my problems?
I also noticed something about G during the last week that makes me wonder how he really feels about our relationship. I met my parents in Vegas for 4 days and every night I was gone G stayed up until 11 pm to 1:30 am. He also stays up just as late when he leaves on business trips, yet whenever we are together he goes to bed at 8 or 9 pm. I am a night person and usually don't go to bed until midnight or later, so we don't get to spend a lot of time together. I am wondering what it is about being with me that makes him want to go to bed so early... is life with me that unbearable he has to sleep to get away, or do I drain all of his energy???? I wish I knew the answers.
The entire time my parents were here, G irritated the heck out of me. Every time I asked him to help me with something he said no or ignored me. He went to bed every night at 8-9 pm, even when he didn't have to work, when he "supposedly" likes my family. I again felt myself feeling so disconnected from him. Maybe I was stressed having a full house?
So yesterday, while enjoying the great outdoors, G and I had a chance to talk. I told him I missed the "spark" in our marriage and wanted to find it again. He suggested moving so we could possibly have more time together. I suggested selling everything we own and moving to the Caribbean (if one of us could find a job). The allure of running away from problems seems so appealing, yet I know it won't solve anything in the end. If we can't work on our marriage in our current situation, changing our residence will not resolve our issues. I guess I feel somewhat discouraged, because I don't know how I can do anything to make our relationship better or being together more bearable. I am in search of contentment, which seems so illusive in my life.
On the topic of running away... My cousin is getting married this summer during a time when I was already planning to visit my family. My family already made reservations and said G and I could drive with them to her wedding. She was a bridesmaid in my wedding and I really want to go to her wedding, yet as I am faced with purchasing plane tickets I find myself avoiding the dates around her wedding. I have been struggling with what to do for several months now because I believe there is a chance J could attend her wedding since she actually introduced us and is good friends with J. As much as I would love to see J, I feel it would be detrimental to my marriage and could possible derail all the steps I've taken to remove him from my life. However, I don't even know if he will actually attend. In a way I am running away from facing my issues with J in this situation and in exchange will be missing out on something important to me. Why do I see running away from problems as wrong in one situation, yet the right choice in another? It seems so contradictory! Do I just face J once and for all and risk hurting my marriage, or do I continue to pretend and hide from my problems?
I also noticed something about G during the last week that makes me wonder how he really feels about our relationship. I met my parents in Vegas for 4 days and every night I was gone G stayed up until 11 pm to 1:30 am. He also stays up just as late when he leaves on business trips, yet whenever we are together he goes to bed at 8 or 9 pm. I am a night person and usually don't go to bed until midnight or later, so we don't get to spend a lot of time together. I am wondering what it is about being with me that makes him want to go to bed so early... is life with me that unbearable he has to sleep to get away, or do I drain all of his energy???? I wish I knew the answers.
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