"If your wildest dream came true, would I be in it?"
I sure miss writing for me. I spend numerous hours each week writing for work so I loose my passion to focus on my own life dilemmas. Thus, I feel my bubble slowly moving to the bursting point because I haven't been allowing the steam to escape. I've been keeping all my inner turmoil, trials, triumphs, and pain locked inside.
Looking at my life from a distance, I should be overwhelmingly content and happy. I have a great husband, two precious puppies, an amazing house, no financial concerns, a great church, an unbelievable job, and wonderful friends and family. So why do I still feel as if something is missing from my life? In retrospect so many things could potentially fill the missing pieces, but would I still be left with a feeling of emptiness?
I don't feel depressed but may be repressing my true feelings and pain. I am so devastated I may never be able to experience the joy of being a biological mother. I keep hoping and praying a miracle will happen without medical intervention. I am so afraid of going to another doctor only to be told I must see another "specialist" because my case is too difficult. I can't bear hearing more devastating news and think it would be better to just not know than to face the reality of the truth.
Ever since my parents visited in May I have felt like a cow! I don't know how my self image could change so drastically without any change in my weight. I used to be content with my weight, but now I feel huge. My clothes fit the same...I think or maybe they are stretched out? I don't know, but I hate feeling obsessed with controlling my weight again. I suffered from eating disorders in high school and haven't had a problem for so long. I of course eat a ton of food, mostly junk, but have been trying so hard to change my diet. I am so proud...I went to the gym two days in a row and worked out. I am not even very sore. G and I are planning to go at least 4 times a week, so I hope I can stay on the bandwagon.
Oh, and then there is the neverending saga involving J! Why can't I get him out of my head! I feel like I am going crazy, but for some reason just can't stop thinking about him...all of the time. I dream about him, I think about him throughout the day and even at night when I am trying to go to SLEEP. I try to repress the thoughts, but oh, what do I know...they just keep coming like the incessant sound of a relentless fly buzzing around. In the midst of the relentless thoughts, I must ask myself why? I only wish I knew, but fear I may never know. I wonder what it would be like to just get the dang thing over with by going to see him and let whatever happen. I watched the premier of "Windfall" last night and feel like the the two people married to other people, while they are still in love with each other. The best statement of the entire show was "If your wildest dream came true, would I be in it?" I honestly don't know if it would be G or J or someone else. I love G so much, but can't seem to get J out of my head. uugh!
Looking at my life from a distance, I should be overwhelmingly content and happy. I have a great husband, two precious puppies, an amazing house, no financial concerns, a great church, an unbelievable job, and wonderful friends and family. So why do I still feel as if something is missing from my life? In retrospect so many things could potentially fill the missing pieces, but would I still be left with a feeling of emptiness?
I don't feel depressed but may be repressing my true feelings and pain. I am so devastated I may never be able to experience the joy of being a biological mother. I keep hoping and praying a miracle will happen without medical intervention. I am so afraid of going to another doctor only to be told I must see another "specialist" because my case is too difficult. I can't bear hearing more devastating news and think it would be better to just not know than to face the reality of the truth.
Ever since my parents visited in May I have felt like a cow! I don't know how my self image could change so drastically without any change in my weight. I used to be content with my weight, but now I feel huge. My clothes fit the same...I think or maybe they are stretched out? I don't know, but I hate feeling obsessed with controlling my weight again. I suffered from eating disorders in high school and haven't had a problem for so long. I of course eat a ton of food, mostly junk, but have been trying so hard to change my diet. I am so proud...I went to the gym two days in a row and worked out. I am not even very sore. G and I are planning to go at least 4 times a week, so I hope I can stay on the bandwagon.
Oh, and then there is the neverending saga involving J! Why can't I get him out of my head! I feel like I am going crazy, but for some reason just can't stop thinking about him...all of the time. I dream about him, I think about him throughout the day and even at night when I am trying to go to SLEEP. I try to repress the thoughts, but oh, what do I know...they just keep coming like the incessant sound of a relentless fly buzzing around. In the midst of the relentless thoughts, I must ask myself why? I only wish I knew, but fear I may never know. I wonder what it would be like to just get the dang thing over with by going to see him and let whatever happen. I watched the premier of "Windfall" last night and feel like the the two people married to other people, while they are still in love with each other. The best statement of the entire show was "If your wildest dream came true, would I be in it?" I honestly don't know if it would be G or J or someone else. I love G so much, but can't seem to get J out of my head. uugh!
Comments