Posts

Showing posts from June, 2005

Does It Really Matter?

As I was stuck in traffic on the way home today for 45 minutes longer than normal I asked myself..."does it really matter?" Sometimes we focus so much on the tiniest things in life, while loosing sight of the important aspects. I mean how much does it matter if I am a few minutes late arriving home? I can use the additional time commuting to reflect and have self revelations. Why do I find it so difficult to live in the present and take each moment and day for what it really is? I usually spend so much time focusing on the past and future am not even aware of the present, yet I look back and regret the lost time. Why is it so difficult to live in each second, minute, hour, day, etc. instead of continually hoping and wishing to the time to go by faster? Why can't I look forward to each minute of each day instead of looking forward to only a time in the present?

Thank YOU!

I want to thank all those whom have recently posted comments...I appreciate them so much! I love hearing different perspectives, because they offer me insight into differing world views. I know I am stuck right now and I think hearing from others is a perfect way to burst my little bubble and challenge my mindset. Yesterday at church I had such a revelation (this occurs every once in a while). I felt like I was hit over the head with a 2x4! Sometimes I just need a little boost to get me over the edge so I can begin to see the light again and I think I received exactly that yesterday. After J sent me his picture with no words or other contact and I attempted to contact him back (even though I said I wouldn't contact him again) with no response, I realized he is playing games with me. I probably burst his bubble by emailing him the last letter about May 14 or so, and he felt compelled to inform me of what I was missing and/or to get me back. I am choosing to no longer partake in th

What is the Purpose of Life?

I think this is going to be a long one... Life...what is the true purpose of life? Is it to serve others...oneself...God...for love...to create new life...make a difference...soley exist...make more money...search for the unknown...be a martyr...or something else? I really don't know the purpose of my life. I've been trying to determine my purpose for many years now with little luck. Hypothetically I would like my life to revolve around serving God, but I don't know what that means or what I am supposed to do. For the last few years I've felt as if God has completely turned his back on me and left me in the cold. I am supposed to hear His word, but I hear nothing! I receive no direction, only confusion. Inside I feel consumed by anger, resentment, and regret. I've lived my entire life trying to do the "right" thing and look where I am...in a living hell! I've always put others before myself, didn't even experiment with drugs or alcohol in high sc

Why I am With G and NOT J. (Part I)

I will start from the semi-beginning (for the very beginning of my relationship w/ J read my first few posts). J and I dated for 2 years. We were instantly smitten with one another and felt a strong connection from the second we knew of one another. We were both one another's' first true love. We broke up almost exactly 2 years after we first met because J needed to find himself apart from me. Our lives were so interconnected even though we lived so far apart he was afraid he would possibly give up all of his dreams for me. I wanted him to be happy, so told him we should break up, so we separated on January 3, 2000. Our intentions were to separate to clear our minds, then get back together and marry. Everyone who knew us was certian we would marry and couldn't believe we ever broke up. After separating from J I lost my mind and tried to focus on any negative aspect of our relationship. After living with intense pain for 3 months I decided I couldn't go back with him, be

What Does it Mean????

My friend S just called while I was checking my email. I opened my box to find an email from J! It didn't say anything or even have a title, but inside he attached a HOT picture of him flexing his buff chest. I am seriously freaking out. I don't know what it means? S told me to email him back and pretend as if nothing happened...play nice, but how can I? I was tempted to just say "what does this mean?", but she said "No Way!", so I just said "Hi" through IM, and now I am waiting for a reply....nothing yet, and it has been 5 minutes! So now I am really freaking out because all the "what if" scenarios are reeling through my head... what if it was a mistake, a mass emailing, an attempt to play a game or to see my reaction, ignore me once I talked to him, show off ,... what does it mean???

Mini Vacation?

So G & I have seriously been discussing taking a small 3-4 night trip to SD where J now resides over the 4th of July weekend, so my "day dream" wasn't so unrealistic . After checking out a few hotels on the beach and finding them all booked, I think we may shoot for Labor day? I feel such an incredible urge to contact him and tell him I might be in town. I don't know how he would react or if he would even talk to me. I am afraid of him ignoring me though, so at this point, fear is keeping me from contacting him. I also don't want to interfere with his life especially if he is try to move on. I would love it if he could show us around or at least give us some advice as to great beaches and snorkeling areas; but would that be super awkward? I haven't seen him in 5 years and to see him for the first time with my spouse seems so weird. I couldn't handle myself if he were to go to the beach with us... think Brad Pit in Troy... Damn! I think the situation w

S.E.X.Y.

Today I went to the gym for the first time in almost 3 pathetic years and damn it felt good! I love the gym, I love working out! I feel so good about myself when I am doing something to actually stay in shape instead of just relying on my genes and eating habits. Who knew the simple act of exercising could make me feel so damn sexy! Exercise also releases endorphins, which are hormones that promote happiness and well being (could be the endorphins talking?). After becoming fed up with my husband's pathetic excuses as to why he can't go to the gym I decided to let his fat ass sit on the couch and go by myself. He did have big plans to work on the yard tonight (yet another excuse) and I came home to him sitting on the couch. He managed to drive a single screw, now that is some intensive yard work! Anyways, I think he was actually jealous because he asked, "why did you change, why did you brush your teeth...seems to me like you are doing something more than the gym", or

Day at the Beach...

Image
Without much prior planning my spouse and I decided to finally take the trip to the town of J's current residence, SD. The entire drive I couldn't stop thinking about the possibility of accidentally running into him, although the odds were more than one in a million. We went shopping on the piers and ate at great restaurants. During the second day we decided to go snorkeling on the beach in a small cove. I excitedly scanned the beach in anxious yet doubtful anticipation of possibly seeing J, as he lives in the same posh neighborhood near the pristine beaches. During our snorkeling venture G & I were separated, as he went one way and I another. While in a small cove I stopped to clear my mask and looked towards the beach to find my bearing. To my surprise a tall, handsome, muscular, sexy man stood on the beach peering out to the endless horizon, preparing for a swim. Our gazes locked and my heart almost stopped as I felt his blue eyes look right into my soul. I had to take a

Letter to J I Can't Send

J~ I don't understand what happened between us. For some reason I thought we could at least be friends, but I guess not. No matter what happens you will always hold a special place in my heart. I will never forget the wonderful times we shared and the emotions which ensued. I really miss talking to you. I think the existing barrier, from which we aren't supposed to talk, makes the situation more difficult. In life I discovered I long for things I can't have and since I am not supposed to contact you (per your request) I want to even more. I wish more than anything I knew the answers, but I fear I never will. For some reason I can't get you out of my mind, which makes me wonder why? I think about you every day and am continually haunted in my dreams. I don't know if I will ever know why we didn't end up together, but I can't give up hope that we may be reunited some day, even if 50 years from now. A huge part of me wants to ignore my obligations and drop ever

What is a 'Marriage'?

Image
On days like today, I find myself wondering what is an actual marriage and why do people actually strive for the legal aspect of being a couple? From keen observation is seems a marriage in our culture encompasses the following: A legal commitment between two people. A relationship which requires substantial resources to separate from. A serious relationship which deteriorates over time. An institution which has a 50% failure rate for 1st time and 66%-75% (depending on statistics) for 2nd marriages. A place where bounds of trust are tested. A place of self discovery. Deemed as THE acceptable relationship in which sexual relationships SHOULD occur and children SHOULD be conceived. Decrease in sexual activity with spouse over time. Decrease in all aspects which once attracted partners to one another. Increase in annoyance with specific aspects of partner. Decrease in romantic activities and gestures. A way out for some, a trap for others. A union which increases financial stability and

Going Crazy! I NEED ANOTHER OPINION!

I haven't had internet access for the last 2 days and I've been going crazy not being able to write in my blog! Thoughts of J have been flooding my mind with full force. I think I've dreamed of him for the last 4 or 5 nights in a row. I tried everything I know in an attempt to eliminate thoughts of him for the last 5 years and I still can't escape. I feel so trapped in my life and don't know which way I can go. In my last contact with J, almost a month ago, I pushed him away and left no room for "what if" in the future. I pushed him away for two reasons: first, I thought I could possibly find resolution in closing any open doors in our relationship; second, I wanted him to be happy and I know he really wants a family, which he won't be able to give his all to if he knows we still have a chance. So now one month later I still have no resolution. I want to talk with him to feel out his thoughts, but don't want to interfere again in his life. My hear

How I Feel...

Empty spaces fill me up with holes Distant faces with no place left to go Without you within me I can't find no rest Where I'm going is anybody's guess I've tried to go on like I never knew you I'm awake but my world is half asleep I pray for this heart to be unbroken But with out you all I'm going to be is incomplete Voices tell me I should carry on But I am swimming in an ocean all alone Baby, my baby It's written on your face You still wonder if we made a big mistake I've tried to go on like I never knew you I'm awake but my world is half asleep I pray for this heart to be unbroken But without you all I'm going to be is incomplete I don't mean to drag it on, but I can't seem to let you go I don't want to make you face this world alone I want to let you go (alone) I've tried to go on like I never knew you I'm awake but my world is half asleep I pray for this heart to be unbroken But without you all I'm going to be is inc

What is in a Dream?

Image
I dreamed of J again last night! He was with my friends and/or family with his new precious baby girl. I asked if I could hold her and she fell right to sleep in my arms. He took her and laid her down in her bed and asked if we could talk. The sexual tension between us was overwhelming, as we both wanted to ravish one another. We didn't, but talked for quite some time. Even though we'd been apart for years, our feelings for one another didn't change at all. I know I dreamed of more, but usually have trouble remembering my dreams, so any part at all is huge for me. Most of the time I can determine why I dreamed about a specific thing. For example, I also dreamed about my family and huge black widow spiders last night. I talked to my family prior to going to bed and saw a picture of a large black widow yesterday. However, I did not talk to J, but tried my damnedest to forget about him. Every time in the past I've tried to let him go from my life I do ok for a while, only

Week from Hell!

What a week! On Wednesday I thought it should have been Friday. I am so ready to have this week from hell over with. I have felt like shit every day and had a major break down on the way home on Tuesday. I couldn't stand being in pain anymore and just wanted to get home, but traffic was backed up as usual. I needed to take a strong pain medication, but I can't even walk on the stuff, let alone drive. I finally caved and took it on my way home, thank god I didn't get pulled over. I had a minor case(s) of road rage on the way home, I am never such an ass on the road, but today I just couldn't help it. I have such a short temper right now and I need to determine what my problem is. My husband has talked about quitting his job every single day this week and how much he hates working...Etc. He wants to move back to our home town asap, but I just started a job, which I am not willing to give up right now. I said he could leave and I would stay, but I think he will try to stic

Desperation

Image
Today while sitting in training I had a mind blowing revelation. I thought I moved past the abusive relationship with my spouse, but every excruciating minute of class I slowly relived the hell I've been through during the past four years. For so long I've been minimizing and denying the severity of my abusive situation, because I didn't always have bruises. I know all the signs of abuse, but it is so difficult to apply something to myself, because of the mentality that "stuff" doesn't happen to me, only to other people. So many people think domestic violence only includes physical violence, but it is so much more. Often physical violence causes the least amount of long term damage. Wounds may heal in a few weeks, while emotional scars may take a lifetime to heal. During my feelings of desperation today I decided I must see a counselor, before I succumb to taking desperate actions which may cause more harm in the long run. I need someone to process my situatio

I Don't Want to do it Anymore!

A male coworker said it all today...."I need to get a wife because I am so sick of doing everything myself (in reference to household chores, shopping, bills, etc)". I think men only want to get married to use and abuse women. They want someone to take care of them and a sex partner with no strings attached. Let me know if I am wrong and there are some decent men alive. I am so sick of being used in my marital relationship. I'm to the point I think I'm going to explode. I will describe my evening (typical of most evenings): arrive home at 5 pm, spouse napping on the couch, since he arrived home at 3:30. I cook dinner, clean the kitchen and rest of house, unload and reload dishwasher, fold and put away clothes, pay bills/update budget, while he talks on the phone for 1.5 hours. I ask spouse if he wants to go to gym, says no because he is busy on computer, but really watching dumb TV show. Get in argument about him not doing anything around the house and being lazy. We

I Don't Think I am an Enabler

From my previous post I think I sound like an enabler to my husband, but I really don't think I am. I need to remind myself I am not allowing myself to become completely trampled. I haven't been washing his clothes because he refuses to put them away. I stopped folding his clothes a long time ago when the continually threw his clean shirts on the floor in a heap. I never pick up after him (ie. personal items), but I do occasionally throw all his stuff in a heap somewhere so I don't have to look at it. I do all the cleaning though which includes cleaning up his dirt and grime and also wash all communal items such as towels, etc.. I don't cook every night and sometimes cook only for myself especially if I am feeling very resentful. Ok, now I feel somewhat better and not like such a trampled, unappreciated, overworked, underindulged, human being. I am still frustrated though! My statement sounds like I am in denial, and maybe I am if I have to go out of my way to specifica

A Possible Opportunity...

I encouraged my husband to apply for a job in our home state, over 1200 miles away from where we live now. I highly doubt he would get the job, but in the off chance he does I would stay where I am now for work purposes for an undertermined amount of time. I wouldn't have to put up with his shit anymore and could live as if I were single. It would be an opportunity for me to distance myself from him to determine if I really want a divorce. I could also open a new checking account without him knowing and put some money aside. My fear that he would take everything and leave me with nothing wouldn't be an issue because I would have everything while he would be 1200 miles away. He would never suspect a thing. I would also have an opportunity to see J if I so desired and he would never have to know. At this point everything is speculation, but a nice thought. Even if the events came into fruition I'm not sure if I could follow through, still a nice thought though.