Awake from the Past...

Yesterday I while sitting at my computer working I received an instant message...from J! I haven't talked to him in such a long time and don't even have him on my contact list anymore, so I felt shocked. The first thing he said was "hello beautiful". I told him he must have contacted the wrong person because we don't talk anymore. He wanted to know how I was doing and told me the new events that occurred in his life. He told me he was single again and I told him I was sorry to hear about his situation, but just wanted him to be happy. He mentioned he can't seem to find an equal again (alluding I was the only one). He of course asked how my marriage was going and I said fine, but mentioned it is awkward to talk to him because I am married now and not available. The conversation was quite brief and I felt nothing towards J during the conversation. I wanted to tell G, but decided not to since it would more than likely upset him. In hindsight I don't know why I didn't mention it to G since it wasn't a big deal...at least I thought.

During the past month or so I truly thought I moved past J and could let him go, but last night I found myself laying in bed for hours tossing and turning because I couldn't get thoughts of J out of my head. I want to forget him, but I just can't. Talking to him only exemplifies my confusion. As much as I like to know how he is doing, I wish he wouldn't have contacted me. I know he was secretly hoping G and I weren't happy and that he possibly stood a chance with me again. I feel so terrible trying to lie to myself and him again about my true feelings, but I have no other choice. Discussing my true feelings only complicated my marriage in the past and proved a major set back for J and his future with someone else whom he could possibly spend his life with. As much as I would like to be that person I can't be. I think the saying "I made my bed and now I must lay in it" seems so true in my situation. I made a commitment to God and G I will not break, although I feel I completely rushed into marriage and should have considered the ramifications before hand.

After talking to J I felt terrible, like a cold, hearted B! I didn't ask if he was ok or any of the things I would typically ask a friend. I avoided most of his questions and didn't really comment on any of his statements. I hate pretending to be someone I am not, especially to someone who I still care about. Today I thought about contacting him to make sure he is ok, but I know it would only further complicate the situation. So, I sit here writing about my frustration with tears streaming down my face, because I wish I could allow myself to act selfishly for once. If I didn't hold my values and morals in such high esteem I would give J another chance.


If weakness is a wound
That no one wants to speak of
Then 'cool' is just how far we have to fall
I am not immune
I only want to be loved
But I feel safe behind the firewall
Can I lose my need to impress?

If you want the truth, I need to confess
I'm not alright
I'm broken inside, broken inside
And all I go through
It leads me to you, it leads me to you

Burn away the pride
Bring me to my weakness
Until everything I hide behind is gone
And when I'm open wide
With nothing left to cling to
Only you are there to lead me on
Cause honestly, I'm not that strong

I'm not alright
I'm broken inside, broken inside
And all I go through
It leads me to you, it leads me to you

And I move, and I move, and I move...closer to you
And I move, and I move, and I move...closer to you
And I move, and I move, and I move...closer to you
And I move, and I move, and I move...

I'm not alright
I'm broken inside, broken inside
broken inside, broken inside
And all I go through
Leads me to you, leads me to you
I'm not alright, I'm not alright, I'm not alright...that's why I need you
I'm not Alright- Sanctus Real

Comments

Soul Searching said…
I think you made the right decision by not feeding into his crap. He was obviously trying to lure you back in. It's normal to think about what could have been, but let's be real - if he really cared about your wellbeing (you) he wouldn't be doing this when he knows you are married. That's just so disrespectful. I would put him on block (I know that sounds drastic and soooo hard)and concentrate on the relationship you are in. I know it's never as easy as I make it sound...
4/15/2006 7:20 PM
Searching for the Answers... said…
Soul Searching...Thanks so much for the comment. You are correct, it is never easy, but I know what I really need to do.
4/15/2006 10:10 PM
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