Searching for the Answers...

Today is one of those days where I just feel sad and depressed. My family left on Sunday and I miss them so much, even though I am so grateful for the little time we spent together. I'm frustrated with my job because the department is so unorganized. I am supposed to have health coverage tomorrow and I've called three times now, being told ever time "your forms will be sent in today", and the insurance company doesn't have any documentation on file. My spouse and I have been discussing taking a short vacation to the city where J lives, which brings up all the emotions I've been trying to hide from regarding our situation. I still miss him and can't believe our relationship ended without even a goodbye. I've been fantasizing about seeing him when we visit or the off chance I would just run into him. I want to tell him I might be in town, but then the barrier still exists and I can't be the one to break the silence since he told me to never contact h

Last night I had another dream about J. It seems I am always so effected by dreams I have of him. I was attending a party at my grandmothers and he was there. I didn't think he was for me, but he kept trying to get my attention. I felt so excited yet anticipant when I saw him, but so confused about the situation. We were walking towards each other with the intent of finding a quite place to talk when my dang alarm when off! I wish I could have finished the dream, but I had to get up for work. I still miss him and think about him all the time. I wonder if he still thinks of me, and how he feels about our current situation of NO communication...is he grieving like I am? My soul feels so sad; I feel as if I've lost all hope of ever seeing him again. I still love him so much, but I don't understand his methodology. Somewhere in the confines of my mind I still think our situation would work out if we could see each other and just be together. I wonder if all hope is really lost?

What Your Dreams Mean... Your dreams seem to show that you're a bit disturbed... but nothing serious. You may have a problem you're trying to work out in your sleep. You tend to be a very productive thinker. Your dreams tend to reflect your insecurities. Your dreams indicate that you have very conflicted feelings. You have a very vivid imagination and a rich creative mind. What Do Your Dreams Mean?

I've been so stressed the last few days. I've been up and down and all around with my mood and outlook on life. When I am away from home or I should say my husband I feel great and positive. I dread comings home, because the last three days my husband has started screaming at me from the second I walk in the door; he then proceeds to act rude and demeaning throughout the evening. He hasn't lifted one finger to do anything around the house. My family will be here in 2 days and his stuff is piled everywhere. I've addressed the issues with him and he could care less. He gets home 3 or more hours earlier than I everyday and just falls asleep on the couch until I come home. I am so frustrated. My job is very emotionally trying and I just want to come home and relax, but I get chewed out every night, plus I am expected to cook dinner and clean the house. Last night I helped him pour concrete for 5 hours, then went to the store at 10pm, took a shower and went to bed. On Monday

For once I thought I finally took a stand and made a decision, now the question is... can I live with it? Right after I emailed him the letter, I felt incredibly sick to my stomach and immediately started to get a massive migrane. I still feel sick almost 9 hours later. It doesn't matter what I say or do, I still feel the same about him. Half the time I'm not sure if I believe my own psychobabble; such as "love is a choice". If I did have a choice I would not love him, I would move on and refrain from continually dwelling on the past. I've tried time and time again and still feel the same!!! I know we both act as we do because we are so frustrated that we just can't be together. Time and time again we've gotten our hopes up only to have them crash down. We are both afraid of forever loosing out on the chance to be together, to at least see what it could be like just one more time. I accused him of stonewalling, but in a way I did the same thing by sending

Wow, I can't believe the conversation that ensued yesterday after I only stated my feelings. Your reaction only reiterated the fact that I have no idea who you are anymore. The J I knew would never tell me to "never" talk to him again or over react at such a small statement. Stonewalling (avoiding issues which need to be addressed/shutting down) is one of the 4 major predictors of divorce (Gottman). I remember we never fought while dating and would always discuss issues, now it seems we do the complete opposite. You barely even talk to me anymore. I'm not sure if you just don't care anymore or if it is too difficult due to the intense emotions which arrise from contact with me? I guess it isn't for me to worry about. Feelings other than love arise out of fear. I can only assume the statements yesterday were made out of feelings of fear. I won't assume what you may have been fearing, but I have a good idea. The events over the last few months have increasin

Well this is part of the conversation I had earlier w/ my ex today as I was typing my previous blog. It didn't go too well and I'm not sure what will happen now. After this conversation I realized more than ever I don't know him anymore. We never fought while dating, but now he freaks out and acts so immature after I state how I feel. I know he didn't mean what he said, but I am going to try with all my might to honor his wishes. He can contact me if he wants. He was trying to manipulate me into begging him to not say such things to me (sorry buddy, but you have another thing coming- I am done with you treating me like shit!). me: I didn't know u had tattoos...seems weird J: got 2 of them J: u never knew that me: no. when? J: had the one on my back since I was 19 me: wow. I haven't seen you though J: I know u need to now that you are an independent woman me: get a tattoo? J: no J: see me me: oh. I have to work now! J: o ok me: the more I think about it, the more

Today I am sitting in a lonely hotel room in the midst of boredom. Earlier while lounging by the pool I started to think about my ex again. Thoughts of how great it could be to see him, how weird actually seeing him would be, etc. After returning to my room I decided to log online and of course he was signed in as well. I casually said hi and we talked briefly. He sent me a few photos of him scantily clad at work. To my surprise he had gotten two (or more I couldn't see) tattoos. I don't have anything against people with tattoos, but I didn't think he was the type of person to get them. I thought I knew him better. A huge issue has occurred in the past about me not having a job. Since I didn't have a job I couldn't possibly leave my situation if I so chose. I mentioned I finally found a job and he didn't even say anything about it, ask what I do, nothing! I personally wouldn't choose to be so rude, but hey man... thanks for helping me see the light ! We are

Well I started my job on Monday and it is going surprisingly well. I think I will really enjoy the work, aside from altering my positive outlook on life and people. I can't believe some of the horrific things humans can do to one another. Some things are so inconceivable one would only think they would be found in the confines of a sick and twisted sci fi novel, but the sad reality truly exists. I am not looking forward to 6 weeks of training at an institute though. It will be college all over again, but at least I am getting paid. I am so excited about being able to support myself and no longer being dependent upon my spouse. If we were to break up I think I would stay where I am for at least 5 years instead of moving home with my family (whom I dearly miss). The department I work for offers a Master's program which I can apply for after attaining permanent status (1 yr). All my tuition and expenses would be paid, plus I would also receive 80% of my salary to attend school ful

So, I accepted the job, only thing, I've never worked a full time job before. I've worked at an official 40 hr/week job for 2 weeks tops in my entire life! So now I have an 8-5 job, plus add 4 hours commute time for at least the first two months, which really equates to 13 hours spent for a job...completely insane! I am wondering how will I ever get anything done? I am also relishing the last night I can stay up late. I am such a night person and now I have to wake up at 4:30 am. I think I will be so tired the first week because I can't go to sleep before 12 am (which is if I am lucky, usually it is 2 am or later). I am freaking out because I do everything around the house, balance the budget, pay the bills, all the cleaning, all errands, gardening, I mean everything but take out the trash! My husband is supposed to start helping out more, but he has a hard time even putting a dish in the dishwasher or putting his socks in the dirty clothes basket. Being the neat freak I am

Gosh, I was sitting at my computer and for the first time in quite a while my ex appeared online (or at least didn't have himself on invisible). I decided to unbiasedly (ok I was sitting at my computer listening to sad music, kind of pining away) say "hi" to see how he was doing and what do I get? He completely blew me off! I pressed enter and BAM, he loggs off. How rude! Nice to see you too bud! I guess two people can play that game (I can try). I mean what in the hell did I do, but try to be a nice person. I wonder if he got back together with his ex fiance? Maybe she finally decided to move for him? Who knows. Maybe he is trying to forget me like I am trying to forget him. I try so hard, but I still think of him all the time, even when I try to keep myself busy. When thoughts of him arise I immediately try to think of something else, but the thoughts of him still remain. I wanted to tell him I finally accepted a job offer. I thought he would be glad, since one of the r

Yesterday I thought I was going out of my mind. I really didn't know what to do anymore since I was completely bored out of my mind. I have done everything I could possibly do with my house including painting every single room, hand sewing blinds and drapes for every window, designing and decorating every room, not to mention planting over 50 plants in my yard, which is already landscaped. I don't have any friends or at least friends who aren't pregnant, since I stay home all day alone and recently relocated to the area. My husband is supposed to be my companion, but he is such a bore. He just wants to fall asleep the second he walks in the door, while I just want to get out of the house and do something semi amusing. So I have tons of pent up energy every day when he arrives home. It is so disappointing looking forward to doing something together when he just wants to sleep! So, in the midst of my boredom I spent 4+ hours on my front lawn, yes I know it is only 500 or les