Searching for the Answers...

January 31, 2011

Craziest Year of My Life!!!!

Well, February 2010-February 2011 marks the most eventful period of my entire life. We started w/ a possible ovarian cancer diagnosis, G loosing his job the same week, me undergoing major surgery in March-no cancer, but no help for my chronic pain, G finding a new job in April, giving up on infertility treatments in July, adopting our precious son at the end of July, finding out I was 5 weeks pregnant when our son was 1 week old, finding out I was allergic to dairy, soy, wheat, and eggs the same week, a trip to Hawaii with our 3 week old in August, surgery for our 6 week old for Pyloric Stenosis in September, a bout with Pneumonia over Christmas, to G moving out of state in January for 11 months for his job. With all these changes, everything has worked out more perfectly than we ever could have imagined. We attribute our blessings to God and still trust he has a plan with the new changes to come.
These few life changes take me to today. To say the least, I'm feeling a bit overwhelmed! With G out of town, me working full time while  in my 3rd trimester, and taking care of our 6 month old...I am tired. Today we are both sick and not feeling well either, which makes me feel even more strained. I am looking forward to April, when I will take leave from work, hopefully have a healthy baby, and move with G.
Once my maternity leave is up, I will have the challenging decision of whether to go back to work or not. I really love my job and can't envision myself finding a better job...ever! However, having two babies under 8 months, plus breast feeding, and not having G around makes it seem impossible. I am a person that needs to work, so I plan to ask for temporary leave for one year, then will decide at that point if I am cut out to be a stay at home mom.
Through all these changes, G has been so incredible! He helps out so much and has really stepped up with our son. He also did all the night and morning feedings once I found out I was pregnant. It was incredible that we both felt our new son kick for the first time, together. I know I just filled in the major milestones, but all the little things in between have been amazing. We just have to make it through the next 7 weeks apart.
In the mean time I still have to find a new doctor to deliver my baby, choose between a home or hospital birth, finish my hypnobirthing classes, find a doula, and pray G makes it home for the birth.

July 03, 2010

Give Me A Sign...

If anyone actually read my blog, I'm sorry I forgot to post the outcome of my last post. Two days after being told we were chosen to adopt a 4  month old baby girl, we were told the parent changed her mind. We felt ok, since it was a complex situation and I guess wasn't meant to be.

I finally received clearance from another infertility specialist to see him w/o getting the MMR vaccine. I actually went to get it and they refused to give it to me saying I was not a good candidate. We have an appointment for a consult with the new doctor in the middle of the month. I also had a surgical procedure completed a few weeks ago that opened both of my fallopian tubes which were supposedly blocked. I don't understand, as I just had surgery in March and was told they were clear. My Dr. said it takes at least one year for them to become blocked, so it doesn't make sense?

On Monday June 28th the adoption agency contacted us to say were were chosen again as a first choice by a birth mom. She wanted us to meet her on Friday July 2nd. She lives about 80 miles from us, so we drove up in the middle of the day. I felt so nervous as we haven't met a birth parent before. After our case worker told us about her I felt calmer and relieved, as it seemed we had a lot in common. Yesterday we met with mom, grandma, sister, and step-grandpa for 2 hours. She told us the most precious words I will never forget: "I want you to be this baby's parents". Typically decisions are not made in match meetings, but we both felt very comfortable. I am super excited, but cautiously optimistic; as she can still change her mind at any time and has to wait until 72 hours after the birth to sign consents. She repeatedly said, "I am not going to change my mind", so I hope that proves a true statement. She plans to be induced on July 29th, so we have a little less than a month to get ready. Did I say I am so excited!!!! My entire family cried when I told them, they are also so excited and know how long we have waited for this day. I still feel in shock. I only slept a few hours last night, although I was/am emotionally exhausted. I have to keep reminding people that this is not 100% yet, but its as close as we could get to knowing in advance. It seems so perfect though because there are no crazy issues with this situation and it is supposedly a perfectly healthy baby. The mom gave us pictures of her ultrasounds and a book of their family history. Again, I feel so honored that she would choose us, I just can't believe it! We were expecting a 2 year wait, since that is the average and we have only been on the active list for 4 months!

I feel like we have so much to do in so little time! In addition we have a 9 day trip to Hawaii planned on August 19th! I guess we will bring our 3 week old along for the journey as we can't cancel or reschedule at this point. The birth family did like that we traveled!

I am a little disappointed in G's behavior after we arrived home yesterday. I thought yesterday would be a very special day for us, but I guess not. We went to dinner at our neighbor's last night and I told him I needed to go home. He said he'd be home in 20-30 minutes, which turned into over 3 hours later after I was already in bed. He then slept on the couch and is still sleeping when I've been up for 5 hours already. He went to our bed as soon as I got up. Maybe it was a misunderstanding, but I would think he would want to talk more about it. I pray this is not a foreshadow of what is to come. He has been helping out a lot lately, especially since my surgery. I also hired a maid to clean the house, which relieves such a burden.

June 02, 2010

Time.......................................So Slow!!!

Yesterday we received some exciting and possibly devastating news. I hardly slept last night and can't seem to focus! Why does time have to pass so slowly when we want it to speed up, yet pass so quickly when we want it to slow?
Yesterday I received a call stating that G and I needed to call before a certain time for an important conference call. It was the middle of my work day and I suspected the news, but couldn't get a hold of G. He was in an all day meeting from 6 am to 10 pm- his new typical work day at his wonderful new job that pays him a salary, so he does not get overtime for his insane work schedule (I'm just a little upset about this). Anyway, I felt crazy and upset because G would not answer his phone or emails. I finally got to speak with him and we were on the conference call, then we all got cut off. It seems that life just doesn't want to cooperate sometimes! After we eventually all got back on the phone we were told that we were picked by a birth family to adopt their 4 month old daughter. However, we were also told not to get our hopes up, as it may not happen. Consents are supposed to be signed on Friday. Thus we are left waiting and wondering...are we going to be parents on Friday or not? This is a major life changing event and we have no clue if it will happen. How am I not supposed to be ecstatic and so excited when I've waited for this for 6 years?  In my head I keep saying it will happen if meant to be, but I admit I will be so sad if it doesn't. I don't know how I'm not supposed to get excited????
In addition the last month has been crazy!!! We scheduled with the infertility doctor who said I "should consider" getting a rubella vaccine. He did not make it mandatory to be treated my him. However, when I called to say I couldn't find just the rubella shot they said I would not be seen or treated unless I get it some how. I hate vaccines and drug companies and it is a huge deal for me to even agree to one vaccine; but to tell me I have to get 3 vaccines (the MMR) when I "should get" the rubella to appease this doctor pisses me off! So I am in this place of deciding to get the damn shot and put off trying for kids for another 2+ months, not going through with infertility, or finding a new doctor. Regardless of my decision, I only have about 2-8 months left in this "window" the doctor said I had to try and get pregnant....basically the last one I will have. It is just an emotional and crazy time for us. It doesn't seem fair that I have this small window of trying for kids and then we are done and I am stuck with this crazy doctor who won't treat me unless I get these vaccines that make me wait for at least another 2 months to try. I feel so frustrated!!!!! Does anyone know how I can get a vaccination record and make it look like I got the dam vaccines? My mom hasn't returned my calls to see if she still has mine from childhood. This whole process is such a mess!!!!!

April 16, 2010

Two steps forward and one step back or One step forward and two steps back?

A lot has happened since my surgery, most of which I can't recall other than debilitating pain. This is the first week I've been of the dilaudid and percocet and think I am experiencing major withdrawals. I have head and body aches, extreme nausea, chills or hot flashes, feel emotional, and random pains. I don't think I've yet to experience a day of feeling better than 75%, but hope I feel better soon. I am picking up a few appointments next week, but tend to become exhausted after only minimal activity. My final results revealed no cancer in the biopsied tissue, which feels like such a relief.
Two weeks after surgery I traveled to visit my family, primarily because my sister said I could watch her birth. However, when it came time she never called. I don't understand and feel so mislead by her...I am pissed! She also hid out at her creepy boyfriend's dad's house after the birth and remained there until after I left, therefore I hardly got to see her baby girl. I still need to talk to her to find out what the issue was.
We are in the full blown process of adopting and were put in for a child w/ some issues yesterday. Part of me hopes we don't get chose, as I don't feel ready at all! I thought 6 weeks off work would be wonderful and that I would have time to work on numerous projects, however, I actually spent the time recovering and on the sofa due to so much pain. I haven't even started a nursery, so feel completely unprepared. I do have diapers and a bassinet, but that is about it.
My doctor suggested we should also see a fertility specialist, whom we met with today. I am filled with so many mixed emotions I don't know where to begin. I have worked so hard to let go of any thoughts of conceiving a child, so am not prepared to go through the emotions and feelings of loss again if attempts are futile once again. The doctor is the best in town and made it seem so easy despite all my issues.When we left I just wanted to cry uncontrollably. If it is really so easy to conceive, then why have we went through all the emotions and heartbreak for the last 4+ years? We've seen fertility specialists before with no luck. I feel so skeptical, yet so afraid at the same time. I cant' allow myself to feel even an ounce of hope yet. He diagnosed me with PCOS, type II today, which wasn't a major shock. However, I guess due to family history and the new diagnosis, I have a very high chance of a twin pregnancy. This excites me, yet freaks me out at the same time because we are also adopting. I always thought I could handle twins (with many gray hairs), but never 3 babies at once!!! I think this is all crazy talk, how can we be at this point? I can't live with the endometriosis anymore, and I do want to conceive a child, yet it seems like too much all at once! I just have to trust and pray the situation will unravel as planned, yet it seems so to possibly 3 kids! I just don't know? We have a few months before fertility measures begin in full force. I don't know how to feel, but hope we get some answers, clarity, and direction soon.


I had my surgery on 3/9, but haven't been able to post until now.
I've been experiencing some health issues that have been exacerbated during the last few months. After living with chronic pain for years, a large mass was found on my right ovary in December. They also found elevated cancer antigen levels, placing me at risk for cancer. Surgery was scheduled to test for cancer, remove endometrial lesions, along with an appendectomy, bladder distension, a presacral neurectomy, and removal of ovarian cysts.
The preliminary biopsies were free of cancer!!! I will wait for 1.5 weeks for the final results on all the removed tissue. The doctor was amazed that I had so little scar tissue and adhesions for having stage 4 endometriosis. However, he said my abdomen and organs were covered in extensive endometriosis that he had to remove. It was far worse than he imagined possible. He rarely finds it on the diaphragm, but found some on mine, which he removed. This makes breathing incredibly painful. He also removed part of the intestine that contained adhesions.I thank all for their continued prayers and support during this time. He scheduled 3 hrs for surgery, but took 6 hrs. I am so thankful I found a doctor that was willing to help me and took the time to remove all the lesions he could find and safely remove. He was unable to remove some on the main blood supply to my liver and heart. He said recovery will be very painful and I should be very sore for at least 2-3 weeks, due the significant amount of procedures and tissue removed.

February 26, 2010


I am feeling much calmer than my last post. I decided to be an hour late picking G up from the airport. He was a little pissed. I don't think I've ever been so angry with him, but I think I got the message across. He didn't speak the entire 1.5 hour ride home, or for 3 days later. I think we may have worked out some issues. G has been doing all the house work lately and making meals. The house is actually clean to my standards, not his usual disaster mode. I opened my own checking account again and planned to transfer the difference between his personal spending and mine- several thousand dollars, but I haven't yet. I know once he finds out he will be angry. I just have to decide when I am ready for that battle. I am a few clicks away from doing it when I decide. He also cut back on his spending since returning, I think only purchasing milk in the last week. I've still been working my ass off at work and actually feel sad that I have to stop and take time off. I really thought I needed a break from work, but now that I am so close I am going to miss it. I took 3 more evals yesterday and will have to go into the office early before my pre-op stuff starts. It sucks because I am making decent money now and my income will be cut in half while I am on leave. I would really like to avoid using savings. We already have to pay for part of our adoption and our taxes in the next month.
G is off to a job interview this morning, which would be a traveling job. He feels he has a good chance of getting the position up North, that I absolutely refuse to move for since he would be traveling. I checked on and there is 1 house for sale!!!! Sorry, but hell no! I told him to do what ever he wants with a job, as I will be staying here until we finalize our adoption at least. I feel so sad when I think about leaving what I consider my home and family. I have such amazing friends, and awesome church, a job I love, warm weather, and amazing neighbors. How could I give this all up? I just can fathom! However, in his career field 99%of the jobs right now require travel or moving to a different state. Not only would he be traveling and working 70-80+ hours per week, but he would probably make the same or a little more than I do, when I don't have to travel, choose my schedule, and can work as much as I want (most of the time). I really hate we are facing this type of change.

February 21, 2010

Points of Contention

What happens when attempts are made to express your concerns about constantly being disrespected and you aren't even heard? How about realizing that you can't make someone change, yet aren't willing to live without the changes. At what point is enough, enough? I just don't think I can do it anymore...
For some reason G thinks he is super special and superior to all. The laws and rules that would apply to everyone else just don't apply to him, because he is better than everyone else. How is it that we have a so called "budget" that we initially discussed together, yet somehow it doesn't apply to him? It doesn't apply because it was all my idea and he supposedly didn't have any input. We built an amount into our budget for each one of us to spend each month with no questions asked; so why does this amount not apply to him? I didn't spend all of mine and put it into a savings account and somehow that wasn't fair, because I was hoarding money. To appease him I closed my account with thousands and transferred it into joint savings. Well why doesn't it go both ways? How can he spend thousands more and it is ok, yet if I don't spend everything, it is "our" money, not mine to spend however I choose. He has spent 10x more on himself than budgeted in the last few months, yet still doesn't give a shit. He doesn't even have a damn job, yet he can afford to spend a vacation up North skiing all damn weekend! If I added on the guns he purchased as  supposed gifts for me, that would magnify it to 50x above his so called amount. However, nothing applies to him. I didn't even want a gun, yet now I supposedly have 2 that were so called "gifts"! It seems that it is his excuse to buy what ever the hell he wants without discussing it with me because it was a "gift".
Another point of contention involves helping around the house. He always felt entitled to leave all the house work to me because he supposedly worked more and made more. Well I worked the same damn amount if not more hours than him, yet he felt entitled to claim that excuse? He acts as if taking out the trash is worse than pulling teeth. So now that he doesn't have the excuse of making more or "supposedly" working more, now the standard he set doesn't apply to him. He still expects me to do all the work around the house and somehow feels justified. He acted like I shot him when I asked that he clean the house...heaven forbid! He just doesn't have time between Facebook and watching tv to fit it in his busy schedule, when I have been working 70-80 hours per week.
I can't live with these double standards anymore! I refuse to be treated like a door mat. I've been wrestling with these feelings for some time now and assumed I was being prideful, but I don't think it is prideful to want a partnership in my marriage where we work together as a team, instead of double standards where I am always at a loss (correct me if I'm wrong). I don't know what to do or how to remediate this situation? I can't make him change, yet I can't live with it anymore. I don't want to leave my home, yet he sure in the hell won't leave even though he can't pay the bills.
Adding to my rant, I am also pissed about the way he treats me and thinks only about himself. He can't seem to get the idea of moving North out of his head, regardless of the cost to me. I have Raynaud's and was told by my doctor that I need to live in a warm climate, yet G doesn't give a damn. He wants to move to one of the coldest states where I would have to stay indoors for over 9 months out of the year due to high risk of frostbite. That doesn't matter though because he wants to move there. In addition, he is considering a job that requires him to move to a tiny town in the middle of no where. He wouldn't even be living there, as he would be traveling to other states all the time. Yet, I am supposed to swoon at this great idea! I am supposed to give up a job and friends I love so I can move to a cold deserted place, and be alone because he would be traveling all the time. Great, sign me up! I told him he is on his own, and I am staying here if he decides to take that job; as he has other options here. The jerk is gone for 4 days and only bothers to call me 2x, once being to make sure that I am going to take 2.5 hours out of my day to pick him up at the airport. I need to leave in 2 hrs and haven't decided if I am going to pick him up. Mr. high and mighty should have considered that before assuming the wife he treats like trash would run to his beckon call. Well this wife might just be fed up and done with all the BS!

February 17, 2010

Eliminate Unrealistic Expectations

I have been feeling so angry towards G and I don't know if anything is salvageable at this point. I don't know how to get beyond these feelings of frustration and anger I have towards him. Part of me wonders if I am being unfair and unreasonable. If I am, I don't know how to not be in this situation? Since G lost his job I feel that he could be helping out a lot more than he is. He is leaving tomorrow super early (I have to drive him to the airport at 6 am 80 miles away!), when I have to work till about 10 pm tomorrow. I am a little pissed, as this is for a supposed job interview up North near our families, but it really isn't. It is a front for him to go screw off and go skiing for 4 days. I would normally think ok, great, he deserves some time off an a break. However, after the last 1.5 weeks I don't think so. I've been working my ass of with 80 or more hours per week. I worked almost all last weekend, yet why is the house still a disaster now that he has all this free time? I feel like it is a huge slap in the face when I am gone all day and feeling exhausted, yet he has the attitude that he doesn't have to do a damn thing to help out, and if he does he deserves unlimited praise and gratification for all that he's done. In addition, if he does anything, he makes a bigger mess in the process, which makes it worthless for him to do anything to begin with. I mean seriously!!! He promised he would have the house clean so I can have "girls night" on Friday, yet it is still a disaster and he will be leaving in less than 11 hours. He left to BS with the neighbors as soon as I arrived home. I didn't get a "hi", "How are you?", "How was your day?", I got a big fat nothing!
I do feel like I am being a bit selfish in my expectations, but I'm sorry I did not sign up to support a lazy ass couch potato that is rude and inconsiderate. I shouldn't even be working right now, yet someone has to. And it isn't G! I figure he could at least help out around the house without making it seem like a huge chore and inconvenience. I'm just so mad! I don't know what to do or how to change my feelings? I look at him and feel resentment and disdain. I don't even know what my options are at this point. I want to tell him to get the hell out, as it would be easier to support myself and clean up after myself, than worrying about his lazy ass and his messes too.
I am mad that he said he wasn't even planning to start work until after April 1st so he can help me after my surgery. This is not the job market to be waiting around and making time demands. Plus, I had a very painful procedure done on Monday and he argued with me the entire day, then proceeded to talk about how painful it was going to be before I had the procedure, ie: "imagine how much it is going to hurt when...". As if I wasn't already stressed about it enough and having a hard time not thinking about it, without him rudely trying to make me feel even worse and more stressed. I see him doing the same thing after my surgery. He will make me feel miserable at home since I can't drive for 2 weeks and do nothing to help but sit on Facebook and watch TV. Another reason he is waiting, is because his dad is coming at the end of March to visit. Ok, lets not work or try to find a job because someone is coming to visit in 1.5 months. Wow, that makes sense! I could just scream!

February 11, 2010

Dead End or Deliverance?

Well I have mixed news.
First, we are first in line to get on the main list for our adoption, meaning we will soon be in the pool for birthmoms to choose from.
After this great news, I felt like my luck was finally changing and I actually received positive news for once.
Then, I get home and G is home super early. I ask why and he said he was laid off! I couldn't believe it. Now our income is down to 1/3 of what it was before. I thought G would decide to actually help out around the house now, but I was wrong. It has almost been one week and he has washed the dishes, unloaded the dishwasher and spent the whole week screwing off on the internet and watching tv. I'm sorry, but I have been working 80+ hours per week and I get that level of help? It really pisses me of to be frank, because I am not feeling well, needed to work less because I am so exhausted, but now I have to work more and G is a lazy ass that I am now supporting. It just really pisses me off. Now, he has been gone all day watching tennis with his cousin, and he hates tennis. I just thought he would be a little more considerate. Then he goes and buys a $600 .22 hand gun, when we talked about it and I said it was a bad idea. He buys it as a "gift" for me! Yeah right!!! Ugggh. I am so pissed! He is saying that he doens't want to start working until at least April 1st, so he can help me out after my surgery. What a crock! Now we only have 1 vehicle since G's was a company vehicle. I don't know if I have the wrong attitude, but I'm just feeling resentful. I am from the traditional mind set that the man is the primary provider, not the say at home lazy ass. It is especially upsetting since I am not feeling well and he isn't helping very much.
In addition, we got some terrible news on Sunday. One of our married friends with 5 kids commited suicide on Sunday. He was a youth pastor and it is just devestating and sad news.
Now for some better news. I was able to get my surgery scheduled for 3/9! The doctor initially said he was booked until July, but they happened to have a cancellation for 3/9. It should give me time to visit my sister when she has her baby if I am feeling well enough. It will be a very complex surgery involving the bladder, ovaries, removal of the apendix, removal of endometrial lesions, and severing the nerves to the uterus. He is going to use a robot and will make 5 small incisions. I am excited and finally feel hopefull for the first time in a long time. I will be out of work for a minimum of 6-8 weeks. I only get paid about half what I make now (due to all my extra hours now) for 6 weeks, then I get nothing! I told G he better find a job, because we can't survive on his unemployment.

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January 28, 2010

What are the Chances?

Prior to my appointment today I was a wreck. However, now I dont' know what I am feeling? The results are in: elevated ca-125 (cancer antigens). The score was over 86 with <35 being normal. My doctor told me not to be alarmed because it can be elevated with ovarian cysts and endometriosis. However, in my search to understand what that score meant, I found this notation on medline: "In the patient who is being evaluated for a pelvic mass, a CA 125 level greater than 65 is associated with malignancy in approximately 90% of cases." Does that mean that I have a 90% chance of having ovarian cancer then? There is some good out of this. She mentioned that the surgeon will have to move up my surgery with that score, so I may get in sooner. She also prescribed me muscle relaxers for the pain to see if they work, since nothing else has.
I told G about the elevated score (not the possible high probability of cancer) and he took it hard. I think he was crying on the phone, but I couldn't verify it. I think I am more upset about him being impacted, than I am about myself.