Contemplations

I've been thinking a lot about marriage lately. It seems my views have changed substantially since I first entered into the "institution" of marriage; from walking down the isle thinking of divorce, to not being able to image the aftermath. Several close friends are going through divorce right now and I can't see anything good about it. I won't deny that G does drive me insane quite frequently, when I imagine how nice it would be to not deal with his crap. However, I hope I never have to face the tragedy of divorce.

I think I may have already mentioned this, but I finally forgave my dad for everything he put me through over 15 years ago. In the process I realized that I was also at fault for completely blocking him out of my life. It was literally the most difficult process of my life!

I also realized that my parents resent me for moving away. I'm always the one to call my mom, so I began an experiment. I decided to see how long it would take for her to initiate calling me; thus I haven't talked or heard from her for over a month and counting! My family thinks all I care about in life is money and that is why I don't live near them. I guess I resent them as well for not ever visiting (aside from my sister), and for not trying to understand our/my situation. I honestly believe moving away saved my life and marriage. Before moving I was on the brink of divorce and suicide. I can't imagine ever going back. I've grown so much spiritually and emotionally in the last 2.5 years, I couldn't fathom a better blessing. Actually, I could care less about money. G and I could both loose our jobs in the next few months and neither of us care. I view it as an opportunity for change I wouldn't ordinarily choose.

In one week we are going home for Christmas for 2 weeks. I wasn't planning to visit my family for Christmas this year, but G's mom found cheap tickets, so I purchased them. I almost wish I wouldn't have, because honestly, I was looking forward to a quiet holiday with out all the silent pressure and judgement from my family. Frankly, I don't want to move back. I love where I live, my house, friends, church, job, the weather... everything! In the winter I can actually spend time outdoors, instead of locking myself inside like an invalid because of my condition. If I moved near my family I would have to spend 8 months of the year indoors. Gloomy and cold weather makes me feel so depressed!

My puppy should be having puppies the first week of February. I'm so excited to have new puppies again. They are so much fun. It should be about the same time G and I can start trying for kids.

If I don't get a chance to write again before Christmas, Merry Christmas!

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