We may not have chose this life, but can try to make the best of it.
I can't believe I haven't posted for over a month! I guess that describes my life during the past month...insane. I was on the verge of a nervous break down a few weeks ago because I had too much to do and no time to do it. Thankfully, I managed to get an A in all my classes this semester and I now have 10 credits towards my Master's and 11 towards my teaching cert. I decided to only take two classes instead of 5 this semester, but will probably add one or two as I progress through the first two. The next classes are more difficult because I have 25 practicum hours and have to be in the classroom and tutor in the summer when there isn't school? I don't know how I am working full time and working on my Master's, plus volunteering, and doing church stuff every week. I get stressed just thinking about it, so I have to only focus on one day at a time. I had a two day break between semesters, and was at least able to catch up on a few things.
I'm excited my sister is coming to visit at the end of June for 9 days. I will only have to work 2 days when she is here, but I have mid-terms. I'm also excited that we will be going to CA for 4 days when my sister is here. I am so excited, because I've never been there before and I love the ocean. I hope I am able to snorkel, if the beaches aren't too crowded. G finally agreed to let us go, I'm sure it is only because my sister is coming. Otherwise he would never let me near where J lives.
Speaking of J...I emailed him about 3 weeks ago. I felt very strongly that I was supposed to tell him to listen to a song. I prayed about it and received confirmation, so I did. He mentioned that he hasn't had much luck finding a serious "girl" because he is too nice and misses me and my family. I just gave him encouraging words to keep looking and to not give up on love. I made a point to tell him I am taken and not looking for anything other than a friendship. I haven't heard back since then. I imagine he is disappointed as usual, but I have to be the better person no matter how much it may hurt. I realized when I emailed J that the most miserable years of my life occurred when I constantly tried to leave G for J. I only found happiness or contentment when I stopped trying to run from what I knew was right and placed my eyes on God. I know life will never be perfect, but it isn't bad, despite all I'm going through right now. Life certainly isn't easy when we try to go against God's plan for us.
Mother's day was very heartbreaking for me. I wonder if I will ever get to celebrate Mother's Day as a mother, or if I will ever have children who look up to me as I look up to my mother? Reading all the postcards on post secret brought tears to my eyes. I know I will be a mother one way or another, but it is a matter of having a biological child. It is easy for people on the outside to criticize my struggle, but imagine never having the option of having your own child...it just isn't the same. I also remember going to the doctor with a friend who got an abortion. I tried to talk her out of it, but couldn't change her mind. I still haven't forgiven myself for letting her go through with killing her unborn child. I know she regrets her decision, but she now has two other children. I wonder if in a cruel way I am being punished for participating in the murder of a child so she didn't have to go alone. I can still hear the sucking of the machine that chopped a poor, innocent life to shreds.
I'm excited my sister is coming to visit at the end of June for 9 days. I will only have to work 2 days when she is here, but I have mid-terms. I'm also excited that we will be going to CA for 4 days when my sister is here. I am so excited, because I've never been there before and I love the ocean. I hope I am able to snorkel, if the beaches aren't too crowded. G finally agreed to let us go, I'm sure it is only because my sister is coming. Otherwise he would never let me near where J lives.
Speaking of J...I emailed him about 3 weeks ago. I felt very strongly that I was supposed to tell him to listen to a song. I prayed about it and received confirmation, so I did. He mentioned that he hasn't had much luck finding a serious "girl" because he is too nice and misses me and my family. I just gave him encouraging words to keep looking and to not give up on love. I made a point to tell him I am taken and not looking for anything other than a friendship. I haven't heard back since then. I imagine he is disappointed as usual, but I have to be the better person no matter how much it may hurt. I realized when I emailed J that the most miserable years of my life occurred when I constantly tried to leave G for J. I only found happiness or contentment when I stopped trying to run from what I knew was right and placed my eyes on God. I know life will never be perfect, but it isn't bad, despite all I'm going through right now. Life certainly isn't easy when we try to go against God's plan for us.
Mother's day was very heartbreaking for me. I wonder if I will ever get to celebrate Mother's Day as a mother, or if I will ever have children who look up to me as I look up to my mother? Reading all the postcards on post secret brought tears to my eyes. I know I will be a mother one way or another, but it is a matter of having a biological child. It is easy for people on the outside to criticize my struggle, but imagine never having the option of having your own child...it just isn't the same. I also remember going to the doctor with a friend who got an abortion. I tried to talk her out of it, but couldn't change her mind. I still haven't forgiven myself for letting her go through with killing her unborn child. I know she regrets her decision, but she now has two other children. I wonder if in a cruel way I am being punished for participating in the murder of a child so she didn't have to go alone. I can still hear the sucking of the machine that chopped a poor, innocent life to shreds.
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