201st Post!

I just realized my last post was #200! I've written quite a bit in a little over two years and have grown so much. I can't believe how much I've moved forward to a happier place. Blogging has definitely played a huge role in my development.

I have a lot of news since my last post.
We returned from our mini vacation on Saturday. We had so much fun! Sadly, my sister left this morning, but I will be home in about 5 weeks. I thought being so close to J would be difficult, but didn't think about him very much. I occasionally looked for him at the different beaches and thought about what he might be doing, but it wasn't an overwhelming feeling. I did envy his job to no end. As I love sea animals and couldn't imagine being a dolphin trainer. Someday I would love to just touch one. I feel confident in my decision to stay with G. J assumes a life different than I ever imagined for myself. Although, I assume it would be much different if we ended up together. The above picture was taken of G and I at the beach and looks a little freaky!

When in San Diego we received some bittersweet news. My brother is expecting his first child. I honestly didn't know how to react. I felt so excited and happy for him, because they've been trying for 2 months and she is 1.5 months along! I also felt overwhelmed with emotion and sadness because we've been trying for so long with no results. Next, week I will find out if I have any chance of ever having kids. I wanted to scream that "LIFE ISN'T FAIR!", but know life is not fair and we have to deal with it the best we can. It took me a few days to get over my feelings of bitterness and resentment. I still feel sad, but know we can have a child one day whether it is natural or through adoption. I imagine my parents are elated, because they've been waiting for grandchildren for so long. The timing is also perfect because my mom is retiring this month so I'm sure she will have lots of time to be involved if not consumed by her photography business.

I was finally able to schedule the surgery I've been trying to schedule for the last 2 years!!! I've seen over 7 specialists with varying opinions. In the end, all but one ended up following through and said he could finally help me. In the fall of 2005 I freaked out after my doctor (#4) told me she would tell me the results of my procedure over the phone. Well, after completing the procedure she told me I needed to come in w/ G to speak with her asap. She sounded serious. She said my case was far too complex and she referred me to another doctor. I called to schedule an appointment with doctor #5 and was shocked when it was a center for severe cancer cases. The office wasn't sure why my doctor referred me? I called to get answers several times and never received any! My mom had cancer at 29, so I essentially went into a state of denial for one year until I finally decided to see another doctor. To my dismay I received the same response...he couldn't help me. So, two years later I finally have surgery scheduled for 3 different procedures on July 19 with doctor #7. I am trying to remain optimistic, even though I fear the results. Unfortunately, many problems don't show up on ultrasound, so the doctor isn't 100% sure what he finds when he opens me up. I'm so scared I will wake up and hear that my ovaries had to be removed. It will mean I have NO chance of ever having a biological child. I still don't feel prepared to deal with the results, but imagine the drugs will lessen the initial impact. I am also debating if the benefits of the medication he recommends out weigh the risks & side effects? In the end, I know God has a greater plan for my life than I can fathom, even if it may not seem like it at times.

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