The Root

I've been wanting to address this issue for several months. My mom mentioned a few months ago that our decisions in life stem from value judgements. Value judgements result as one experiences life, then makes a decision about how life will be lead according to the positive or negative experience. Value judgements mold the essence of our being and provide a small window into our soul. For example, as a result of growing up in an alcoholic home, I decided I would never let alcohol hurt my family. I didn't drink at all until I was at least 21, and only became intoxicated a few times. I quickly realized a negative habit forming when I craved alcohol to cover up my emotions, so I no longer drink at all. My dad also had an affair that I had to tell my mom about. I resented him for being so selfish and subconsciously swore I would never be with or tolerate a cheater. To my dismay, I married one and essentially became one myself. Thus, my judgement may explain my torment in my decision to marry G, and then to "cheat" and leave for J. I think I could base an entire blog on all the value judgements I've made in my life, that perfectly explain why I make the decisions and think the way I do.
After my dad cheated, I vowed I would never rely on a man for support...I was going to support myself and leave any bastard who decided to cheat. Thus, I graduated with my Bachelor's degree in 3 years (while living in hell and almost to my end). I kept telling myself I would get out as soon as I graduated. I viewed marriage and G as sacrifices so I could eventually support myself. Unfortunately, my passion for people and rehabilitation stepped in, so I chose a career out of passion vs. money (my true initial goal). Since I didn't fulfill my desire to gain the ability to support myself at the standard of living I deem acceptable, I am back for another round. I am pursuing my Master's in a slightly different field, despite sacrificing my true passion. I hope one day I can move past the self defeating judgements, and embrace life so I can fully pursue and discover my true passion for life.

Once someone knows "what makes me tick", they experience the root of my being and life struggles; it is a vulnerable place to be, yet honest, and every bit of the truth. I think as in the battle of Western vs. Eastern medicine, people need to spend less time focusing on treating the symptoms vs. treating the person holistically to discover the root of our decisions and life path.

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