Away, but not Gone...

First, sorry I haven't written in over a month, if I even have any readers left. I have been wanting to write for some time, but I just don't have the time. I went to my home town for a great 3 week visit! Unfortunately, I came home to the same craziness I wanted to leave behind. I read my last blog earlier today and it made me cry; I wasn't prepared to feel the emotions of everything I am dealing with. I try so hard to keep my health issues to myself, because I don't want to seem like the self absorbent person, who uses illness to gain attention. My blog seems to be my only true release. People always ask me how I am doing or feeling and I give the generic "fine", even though they are probably thinking I look terrible. Every day is such a struggle to get out of bed. I'm so glad I have a job where people rely on me, otherwise I would not get out of bed. I wake up every day feeling like I have a horrible hang over, with every muscle aching (as if I did a strenuous workout for the first time in years). I feel so tired and groggy all the time! I just can't find even a little bit of energy, not to mention continuous migraines and horrible hot flashes. I feel so embarrassed...one minute I will feel fine, and the next I will be soaking wet with sweat beading off my face, 5 minutes later I will feel freezing cold. I can't even sleep at night because the hot flashes and joint pain keeps me tossing and turning. Unfortunately, I can't take any type of relief medication because it will counteract my injection. I don't know if I can take another 3.5 months. I just have to keep telling myself it will be over...eventually. I'm so glad G has finally stepped up and decided to try and help out. He has helped bring me back from the brink of a break down several times in the last few weeks, by doing something as simple as making a phone call or listening to me.

I've been trying to hard to keep my patience with G. Part of me feels so frustrated because of his self centeredness. I know many bloggers have been telling me for months, if not years, that he treats me terribly. It finally sank in when my friend told me that her husband has wanted to call G out (or take him out) on his disrespectful and self absorbent attitude towards me. After she told me I started to pay close attention to his behavior and couldn't believe that you and she were right. (so I'm slow, and try to give people the benefit of the doubt). Here is the latest self centered action: G tells me before I went on vacation that he has a big surprise planned for me while I am gone. He won't tell me what it is, and I ask him to not go crazy. Well guess what...he is building a "wine cellar" under our stairs. It would be stellar if I actually drank alcohol, but he is the one who does. It pissed me off so much that he presented a project for himself as a "surprise, just for me", not to mention this project will cost several thousand by the time he is finished. Plus, he had to buy several new tools, he will unlikely use again in the process. Is he really so dense or can he be that self centered and manipulative? When I told him that I didn't think his "surprise" was for me, he became pissed off and acted like I was a terrible person for not appreciating all he does for me. I am reading an awesome book by Dr. James Dobson (can't think of the name), which discusses ways to obtain respect from your partner. If I didn't follow his strategies before we were married, we wouldn't be together (dang!)j/k. It seems crazy to e that I can follow the proverbial rules, yet still get treated disrespectfully. G usually tries to make me feel guilty for everything he does, even for his rude behavior. I just don't have the energy to argue with him anymore or to even be mad. I don't know what to do about it either, because I can't change anyone, but myself.