Sleepless Unknown
I've been incredibly busy lately with school and work. I rarely have a moment to myself. I've been trying to schedule my next surgery for 2 months now. I keep playing phone tag with the doctor's office. I haven't had time to call in the last week, but hopefully will on Friday. I haven't been sleeping well at all and feel so wired. I have to spend all day tomorrow in the classroom and need to get up in 3 hours now. I'm a little freaked out at the "risks" associated with the surgery I need to schedule. I may be able to get in as soon as July, but am hoping for mid August. I will be traveling home for 19 days around August, so I could save some vacation if I spent some time recovering while on my trip home.
I can't believe how emotionally stable I feel, compared to my life 1-5 years ago. I think I'm getting much better at blocking my emotions. I've certainly been thinking of J more since I will be in his town in 3 weeks. No matter what I may feel or want, I can't go back to living for myself and my own selfish desires. So many numerous issues exist, thus my lust should be the least of my concerns and focus. What happens when one zooms in and focuses on a problem? ...It gets bigger and starts to consume ones life. On the other hand, zooming out allows one to take the entire picture into consideration, and fully assess the issue. For so long I constantly zoomed in on my problems to the point they overtook my entire life focus. Looking back to the start of my blog completely exemplifies my point....every post involved my obsession with J! I initially started my blog as a way to cope with my obsession, and through patient endurance I overcame many of my issues. As mentioned previously, I can't deny not having thoughts about J; but I try not to dwell on them. I guess in a way I also feel like my blog may not be the most private outlet, as I can't control who views my posts. I still wonder if G found my blog? If he has, I wish he would be man enough to talk to me about it. Cowards and liars annoy me to no end!
I've been pondering the thought of death lately. I honestly think I'm content to go at any time. I would gladly leave the pains, stresses, and turmoils abundant in my life. As much as I would love the opportunity to experience many of life's wonders, I am satisfied with what I've achieved. Maybe I'm trying to cop out of the trials I know lay ahead?
I can't believe how emotionally stable I feel, compared to my life 1-5 years ago. I think I'm getting much better at blocking my emotions. I've certainly been thinking of J more since I will be in his town in 3 weeks. No matter what I may feel or want, I can't go back to living for myself and my own selfish desires. So many numerous issues exist, thus my lust should be the least of my concerns and focus. What happens when one zooms in and focuses on a problem? ...It gets bigger and starts to consume ones life. On the other hand, zooming out allows one to take the entire picture into consideration, and fully assess the issue. For so long I constantly zoomed in on my problems to the point they overtook my entire life focus. Looking back to the start of my blog completely exemplifies my point....every post involved my obsession with J! I initially started my blog as a way to cope with my obsession, and through patient endurance I overcame many of my issues. As mentioned previously, I can't deny not having thoughts about J; but I try not to dwell on them. I guess in a way I also feel like my blog may not be the most private outlet, as I can't control who views my posts. I still wonder if G found my blog? If he has, I wish he would be man enough to talk to me about it. Cowards and liars annoy me to no end!
I've been pondering the thought of death lately. I honestly think I'm content to go at any time. I would gladly leave the pains, stresses, and turmoils abundant in my life. As much as I would love the opportunity to experience many of life's wonders, I am satisfied with what I've achieved. Maybe I'm trying to cop out of the trials I know lay ahead?
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