Rollercoasters Make Me Sick!
The last three weeks have been full of ups and downs. I was an emotional wreck the first week after my surgery. In week two I moved into what I thought was "acceptance", but more along the lines of denial. In week three I moved to post-denial, which is where I write from today. The more I research my "condition", the more hopeless I feel. The more I read about the injection I received to help my endometriosis go into remission, the more I doubt my decision. Some people say it ruined their life and still have negative side effects over 10 years later. The optimist in me doesn't want to believe the negative things I've read, because people tend to vent when upset, rather than rave when experiencing wonderful effects. It is sometimes used to treat advanced prostate cancer. I almost wish I were diagnosed with cancer, because at least I might die from it, rather than living the rest of my life in pain. Endometriosis could actually be considered a benign type of cancer that continues to ravage through the body doing irreversible damage to every organ or tissue it comes in contact with, causing infertility, but it won't kill me, so it isn't considered worthy of a cure (I guess).
So far I've been feeling very lethargic with the following symptoms: migraines, cramps, abnormal bleeding (I thought I was supposed to receive a break from this for 6 months!), joint and bone pain, hot flashes, hair loss, mood swings, and weight gain (5 lbs in 2 weeks!). I've dealt with eating disorders in the past and feel myself on the verge of desperation, because I weigh more now than I ever have before and it isn't ok! The doctor may be ok with it, G may be ok with it, but I am not. I've actually been eating less since my surgery, so logically I should loose weight or at least remain stable, not pack on the pounds. I want to start exercising, but need to wait for at least 6 weeks. I plan to when I return from my vacation in September. Sometimes I care about everything happening in my life, and sometimes I don't. In the story of Job (in the bible), he did nothing to deserve everything that happened to him. I wonder if I did something to cause this or if it is just happening to me? Either way, how can I take ownership and do something about it? Should I get the next 3 month injection of Lupron in October? I just don't know? All the researching only makes me feel worse. I would almost rather not know that I could be loosing 4-5% of my bone mass, and all the other side effects!
Honestly, living is the hardest part of my life...choosing to live one more day feeling lethargic and in pain. I try to make the most of every day and am thankful I have the opportunity to receive treatment, live in the USA, know my family, have supportive friends, have a job, can go to school, and so many other things. Having fun and finding joy when living in pain seems so challenging. It also doesn't help that G refuses to help me out. I ask him for help all the time and he either ignores me, says he has something else to do, or "forgets". I feel so frustrated because he is supposed to be the one person I can count on and rely on, especially right after undergoing surgery and dealing with so much emotionally and physically, yet he is the last person I can rely on for help or comfort. Last week I tried to talk to him about how he ignores me when I ask for help and he said he didn't want to discuss it and would figure it out on his own, without me!
So far I've been feeling very lethargic with the following symptoms: migraines, cramps, abnormal bleeding (I thought I was supposed to receive a break from this for 6 months!), joint and bone pain, hot flashes, hair loss, mood swings, and weight gain (5 lbs in 2 weeks!). I've dealt with eating disorders in the past and feel myself on the verge of desperation, because I weigh more now than I ever have before and it isn't ok! The doctor may be ok with it, G may be ok with it, but I am not. I've actually been eating less since my surgery, so logically I should loose weight or at least remain stable, not pack on the pounds. I want to start exercising, but need to wait for at least 6 weeks. I plan to when I return from my vacation in September. Sometimes I care about everything happening in my life, and sometimes I don't. In the story of Job (in the bible), he did nothing to deserve everything that happened to him. I wonder if I did something to cause this or if it is just happening to me? Either way, how can I take ownership and do something about it? Should I get the next 3 month injection of Lupron in October? I just don't know? All the researching only makes me feel worse. I would almost rather not know that I could be loosing 4-5% of my bone mass, and all the other side effects!
Honestly, living is the hardest part of my life...choosing to live one more day feeling lethargic and in pain. I try to make the most of every day and am thankful I have the opportunity to receive treatment, live in the USA, know my family, have supportive friends, have a job, can go to school, and so many other things. Having fun and finding joy when living in pain seems so challenging. It also doesn't help that G refuses to help me out. I ask him for help all the time and he either ignores me, says he has something else to do, or "forgets". I feel so frustrated because he is supposed to be the one person I can count on and rely on, especially right after undergoing surgery and dealing with so much emotionally and physically, yet he is the last person I can rely on for help or comfort. Last week I tried to talk to him about how he ignores me when I ask for help and he said he didn't want to discuss it and would figure it out on his own, without me!
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