He is My Burden!
So much for going to bed at 10 pm tonight. I feel like such an idiot! As I was browsing over my last few posts I realized G is my burden. I initially thought it was J. My life has been so miserable since I met G (my fault for not leaving). Every time something like this happens I some how convince myself it will be the last time, like the cycle of an abusive relationship where the battered person keeps returning to his/her abuser. I don't know why I can't let G go and move on to a better, happier place? I guess I am afraid of the unknown. Staying seems easier than taking the gamble of a better life (as I sit here with tears running down my face). I want to leave so badly, but feel like I am chained to my relationship with him. I think the only way I can ever leave is if someone physically removes me from this situation. I don't know how I can actually remove myself? I already feel so overwhelmed with all my commitments, let alone trying to navigate through a divorce and a new life.
This morning I woke up feeling like I was hit with a ton of bricks. I felt unbelievably groggy, but had 8 scheduled appointments, plus several assignments to work on. I finally took a break at 9 pm to unwind before bed. On Sunday I told G I really needed his help this week since I have so much to complete for school, plus a busy work week. Each Tuesday we serve at youth group and on Wednesdays we host a small group. Tomorrow I have to attend a meeting over one hour away from 6-9pm. I am the one who always has to clean the house and prepare everything for our small group. So G at least attempted to help tonight and cooked dinner. I asked him at 6 pm if he could give one dog a bath tonight including blow drying and he said yes (our dogs have long hair and require blow drying). So at 9:30 I ask if he still planed to give Leah a bath and he said no. So at 10 pm he gave her a bath while yelling for me to get him something literally every 2 minutes. So at 10:20 he finished the bath part and told me he was ready for me to dry her hair. So we got in a big argument because he didn't listen (or was playing naive) and "assumed" I was going to dry her at 10:20 at night, given he knew I needed to go to bed early since I will be working from 9am to 10 pm tomorrow. He has never dried either dogs hair in the 1.7 years since we owned them! 1/10 times he gives them a bath, but expects me to dry their hair which takes 45 minutes each. So he just leaves her shaking in the living room and goes to bed! I couldn't believe it and feel so pissed off. He was just trying to manipulate me again. I couldn't just leave her shivering, so half way through blow drying her he offered to help. What an ass! Then he accused me of emotionally abusing him because I said he was acting like a jerk, after he told me I was sitting on my ass doing nothing all night and day when I was working at my job and on my classes! I have 20 "assignments" (papers) to write in the next month plus studying for 5 midterms! I am smart, but need time to study, considering I have to obtain an 80% or higher on all my exams to receive credit.
This morning I woke up feeling like I was hit with a ton of bricks. I felt unbelievably groggy, but had 8 scheduled appointments, plus several assignments to work on. I finally took a break at 9 pm to unwind before bed. On Sunday I told G I really needed his help this week since I have so much to complete for school, plus a busy work week. Each Tuesday we serve at youth group and on Wednesdays we host a small group. Tomorrow I have to attend a meeting over one hour away from 6-9pm. I am the one who always has to clean the house and prepare everything for our small group. So G at least attempted to help tonight and cooked dinner. I asked him at 6 pm if he could give one dog a bath tonight including blow drying and he said yes (our dogs have long hair and require blow drying). So at 9:30 I ask if he still planed to give Leah a bath and he said no. So at 10 pm he gave her a bath while yelling for me to get him something literally every 2 minutes. So at 10:20 he finished the bath part and told me he was ready for me to dry her hair. So we got in a big argument because he didn't listen (or was playing naive) and "assumed" I was going to dry her at 10:20 at night, given he knew I needed to go to bed early since I will be working from 9am to 10 pm tomorrow. He has never dried either dogs hair in the 1.7 years since we owned them! 1/10 times he gives them a bath, but expects me to dry their hair which takes 45 minutes each. So he just leaves her shaking in the living room and goes to bed! I couldn't believe it and feel so pissed off. He was just trying to manipulate me again. I couldn't just leave her shivering, so half way through blow drying her he offered to help. What an ass! Then he accused me of emotionally abusing him because I said he was acting like a jerk, after he told me I was sitting on my ass doing nothing all night and day when I was working at my job and on my classes! I have 20 "assignments" (papers) to write in the next month plus studying for 5 midterms! I am smart, but need time to study, considering I have to obtain an 80% or higher on all my exams to receive credit.
Comments
Believe me, I understand that feeling of being trapped in a marriage. In my case, I felt responsible for taking care of someone who really did do almost nothing all day long. She had neither a job nor school to keep her busy, but still couldn't managed to keep the house clean or do even a load of laundry when I was out clothes for work. But, still, even as she would alternate between attacking me verbally and maintaining a stoney silence, I stayed. The only reason I managed to get free of her was that she finally left.
I thank God on a regular basis that He was able to deliver me from that situation.
Keep doing the next right thing. Eventually, you'll find your way to move to the next stage of your personal development. Until then, I'll pray for you.
Just remember, some days, not losing ground is progress enough.
Hang in there.