Down the Drain


On my way home from a hectic day at work I determined I've been shutting down my emotions lately. I have to, just to make it through a day of hell at work every day. I hate that I am resorting to old coping mechanisms, which I've worked so hard to refrain from. I hate my job more than I could ever say. My supervisor is a vindictive bitch! The nature of my job requires a very flexible schedule, which rarely affords time for lunch. Lately I've only been able to take my lunch at the end of the day and proceeded to go home afterwards. On Friday I received a long email from my supervisor, who also forward the email to her supervisor stating that I can't take my lunch at the end of the day and I can't flex my overtime because my coworkers might want to do the same? What the hell? Policy states that I must flex my overtime if at all possible and refrain from overtime whenever possible. I like the policy because it means my job won't necessarily become my life. She stated I must be at work from 8-5 and must have any overtime preapproved. Well, in my job overtime happens unexpectedly all the time, there is no way it can be pre approved! She completely contradicts herself. I emailed her back and said I obviously needed clarification on the policy, she said we would discuss it today, yet it never happened. She is never available, strolls into work at 10:30 every day, yet expects me to consult her before I do anything. I feel as if I am walking on egg shells. I don't even want to take a lunch now because I am sure it has to be preapproved. I requested to flex 3 hours last Friday so I could get off work at 2pm since I had to travel out of town and she agreed in her long email, yet when I went to meet with her at 1pm the same day she said I had to wait until she got around to meeting with me. Funny thing that she couldn't meet until 4pm, so screw my flex time, yet she ensured she seemed flexible and nice to her supervisor. The same thing happened a few days earlier when I asked to take my lunch late, she agreed, but then planned it so I actually left late and worked 9.5 hours that day. I was so pissed, on Friday I almost walked out and told her to F*** off! She told me I am expected to work over time and work a ridged schedule, although her and all her other workers come and go as they please, some even work 4-10's. She then proceeded to mention that I have to make time for family. WTF? I have to work at least 8-5 which means at least another hour to my commute, no going to the gym and a whopping 3 hours with my spouse a day...given I don't work any overtime that day. Oh yeah, and going to the gym was part of the self care plan I was supposed to have. And they wonder why retention rates are so low? Plus it is supposedly a family centered agency, but at what cost to the families of employees? I am so pissed. I haven't decided what action to take...stick with it, file a grievance, give my 2 weeks notice with an eloquently stated letter slamming her ass for being a horrible supervisor, or just waling out?

Everyday my husband tells me to quit my job. I can't bear to put in my 2 weeks and have to live with her bitchy ass knowing I am quitting because of her. All weekend I thought of an interesting way to write my 2 weeks notice to get back at her bitch ass. Part of me wants to work for a while and develop more responsibility so I can dump it on her when I quit. Another part of me says suck it up and get your experience and make some money.

I'm not sure how much keeping my job is worth, given I am starting to close myself off emotionally, loose time with my spouse, and reek havoc on my body in not being able to eat lunch or go to the gym. I haven't been writing in my blog because I am unable to access my inner feelings at this point. Sometimes songs help me express that which I am unable to.

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