No Words to Describe...


Although I haven't had time to journal lately, I've been thinking about my life and the purpose my journal serves. Looking through past posts it appears as if my life is always miserable and I never feel happy, but I tend to write only as a venue to alleviate stress and depression in my life. During the "happy" times I don't need to write, so I usually don't.

Today I received a devastating blow to my life dream and what I view as the primary purpose of my life. I don't feel like I have words to describe the devastation and heartbreak I am feeling right now. I feel numb, to the point I can't access my feelings because I am trying to postpone the inevitable devastation.

I decided I needed to stop being reactive and begin a proactive approach. After 12 long years of suffering extreme pain for up to three weeks of every month I finally found the courage to make an appointment with a specialist to find out the severity of my endometriosis. Today was the day, the day I dreaded and put off for so long, because I couldn't bear to hear I may not be able to have children. Unfortunately, my husband left this morning before my appointment for a week long business trip. I really needed him with me today, but he couldn't be there. I nervously waited in the waiting room for an excruciating hour. The nurse finally took me into a small, freezing exam room. I spoke with the doctor for about 30 minutes as he explained my 3 options. I was prepared to schedule surgery and hoped I wouldn't have to. After the exam the look on the doctor's face said it all. He stuttered as he said it is very unusual and extremely rare to feel endometriosis, but he felt mine. I am one of the worst cases or the worst case he has ever encountered. He basically said surgery couldn't help me, it was already too severe. My only option is a very potent drug that has such severe side effects I have to take another medication to combat them. I would take it for 6 months to see if my pain subsides. If it doesn't then I have to take it for another 6 months...which is not recommended. The effects of the drug aren't permanent and the only way to alleviate the pain and destruction of my reproductive system is a complete hysterectomy. Even then, endometriosis can still grow and cause scar tissue and pain. After I take the medication I can't begin to try to become pregnant for another 6 months. I won't be considered infertile until we officially "try" for one year after that. I talked to my husband and he doesn't think having a child is worth risking my health. I on the other hand would sacrifice my health to bring another life into this world. I have suffered in pain for my entire life, so what is the rest going to hurt? I feel so devastated and alone. I wish I had someone to just give me a hug right now. My mom and husband both cried when I told them the news. I made it to my car without breaking down. My only hope is to have faith God will work a miracle in my life and allow me to have children.

Comments

Soul Searching said…
My heart goes out to you right now. I can't even imagine what you are feeling, and I hate that there is nothing I can say that will make those feelings go away. I also hate that your husband isn't there right now to hug you, because you definitely do need that. I hope your faith is providing some level of comfort for you right now.

You'll be in my thoughts.
9/29/2005 7:33 PM
Anonymous said…
Oh, I'm so sorry to hear this. Though I come from a different perspective, as a man, I very much understand the dream to one day have children. I can only imagine how hard it must be for you to deal with this news. I have no words to convey my empathy for you. Hold on. Pray, if that's your spiritual path. Or ask others to pray for you, if you feel comfortable with that. I've also found a lot of help from seeing a therapist and that might help you, too. I wish I could do something to help you or make it easier.
If you don't mind, I'll pray for you.
9/30/2005 9:01 AM
Anonymous said…
You don't know me, and I don't know you. I stumbled across your blog while browsing craigslist, and being the nosey person I am, decided to check it out.

I also suffer from severe endometriosis. I have had surgery to remove lesions and try to subside pain, but it hasn't helped all that much. I try to remain optimistic about my chances at conceiving, but according to my doctor, they are fairly low. I'm only 23 and not married (though living with my boyfriend of 4 years, whom I plan on marrying in the next few years) and it scares me to death to think I may never have children of my own.

My doctor has suggested I start trying to get pregnant now...great idea, if I was done with college and 'ready' for the responsibilities of parenting...but I'm not.

Anyway, I just wanted to say that I commiserate with you and I truly hope a miracle is worked for you.

(((HUGS)))
10/01/2005 2:54 PM
Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Written in the Stars

Image
 I realize I can still feel you and after not remembering dreams for almost a decade and having none of you, yet I surprisingly remembered 3 in the past 3 months. I hated that you haunted me in my dreams a decade ago and feel I found a way to block the dreams. Now I welcome the visits since we are separated by space and time that feel lifetimes apart. I In one of my dreams you came to me with Amy Lee and I thought you were together. She sang me the song, "Broken". While on a solo journey of deep inner healing I met a man who deeply triggered me, yet I couldn't stay away. I followed my intuition and met him for a trip. Then during our synchronistic meeting he randomly started singing me the same song and playing it on his guitar while we were tripping together. On the huge screen he was playing a scene with shooting stars like we used to see together and the aurora borealis. My heart skipped a beat when I felt your energy through his song when we were all alone. I asked my
Read more

Twin Flames

Image
 Here I am 22 years after our last meeting feeling the distance between us. I finally realized why I can't seem to forget you no matter how many walls and blocks I built around my heart and mind. We are living two separate lives yet there is this indescribable energy that still remains even through the sound of silence.  After years of silence, I felt an overwhelming energy in which I felt I could explode. I resisted until I became so haunted I had to reach out. I simply sent you this song:  Hello darkness, my old friend I've come to talk with you again Because a vision softly creeping Left its seeds while I was sleeping And the vision that was planted in my brain Still remains within the sound of silence [Verse 2] In restless dreams, I walked alone Narrow streets of cobblestone 'Neath the halo of a street lamp I turned my collar to the cold and damp When my eyes were stabbed by the flash of a neon light That split the night and touched the sound of silence [Verse 3] And in
Read more

Craziest Year of My Life!!!!

Well, February 2010-February 2011 marks the most eventful period of my entire life. We started w/ a possible ovarian cancer diagnosis, G loosing his job the same week, me undergoing major surgery in March-no cancer, but no help for my chronic pain, G finding a new job in April, giving up on infertility treatments in July, adopting our precious son at the end of July, finding out I was 5 weeks pregnant when our son was 1 week old, finding out I was allergic to dairy, soy, wheat, and eggs the same week, a trip to Hawaii with our 3 week old in August, surgery for our 6 week old for Pyloric Stenosis in September, a bout with Pneumonia over Christmas, to G moving out of state in January for 11 months for his job. With all these changes, everything has worked out more perfectly than we ever could have imagined. We attribute our blessings to God and still trust he has a plan with the new changes to come. These few life changes take me to today. To say the least, I'm feeling a bit overwhe
Read more