Sorting Through the Rubble...

I feel as if my life is in shambles, but then I wonder what right do I have to feel so terrible when the poor, innocent, victims of Hurricane Katrina really have nothing left, and their lives are emotionally and physically in shambles. Although I may not be able to help them put their lives back together I can at least work on my own. Prior to putting the pieces of my life back together I must first assess the damage (all the stressors which continually put pressure on my life).

• Last Friday my grandmother had a heart attack. I feel terrible because I want to see her and make sure she is ok, but I am stuck in this hell hole. I am afraid of missing out on the lives of my loved ones.
• Last week I lost my wallet, but didn't realize it until I was 4 hours out of town for 3 days. I didn't realize how much stress the loss of my wallet placed on my life until I held it safely in my hands today.
• I miss my family and friends.
• I want children, but know my desire is unrealistic given my health and reproduction problems.
• My spouse is unhappy and hates his job and where we live, just like I do. I feel stuck because I can't make enough money to support us in our home town, but he is unwilling to find a job or do anything so we can move back.
• I am continually haunted in my dreams if not by J, then of horrible things happening to those I love. For example, last night I had a terrible nightmare of my precious puppy laying on the ground with her two front paws severed from her legs. She was crying. I looked around and then realized she had a flesh eating bacteria and all her hair and skin was gone. Her organs were falling out and I could see her bones, yet she was still alive and crying for help. Sometimes I am afraid to fall asleep because of the gruesome nightmares which continue to haunt me during the day.
• I don't like my job but am afraid to quit because I think we need the money and I need experience to find a job back home.
• I continually live in pain and suffering due to untreatable health problems.
• I can't remember the last time I felt truly content or happy.
• I feel as if my entire life has been composed of wrong choices, and I can only blame myself
• I can't relate to my spouse or even have a normal conversation with him.
• I don't feel lovable or as if I even deserve to be loved.
• I don't know how to remediate my life.

The more I write, the more screwed up I realize my life is. Again, my assessment reveals the fear which consumes my life. Before I can move on to rebuild my life I need to discover how to stop living in fear.