Disconnected...

I don't even know where to start with G. We have done nothing but fight and argue for two days now. I feel so disconnected from him and our relationship. At this point I can't accurately assess my true thoughts and feelings. I don't know if I am angry and attempting to ignore the larger issues in our marriage...trying to spare myself the pain in realizing our relationship is over...subconsiously trying to sabotage our relationship...or truly hoping and trying to salvage what is left? I hope I can soon begin to sort out the true issues so I can fully understand the situation so I can approach the problem from the right direction. I know I am blocking my true feelings because I can't bear to feel them right now.

I tend to disconnect myself from negative situations. I remember completely disconnecting myself from J before we broke up. He would kiss me and I felt like an actress pretending to be involved, while feeling absolutely nothing. Of course inside my heart was breaking because I knew the demise of our relationship was soon approaching. I feel exactly the same way with G right now. After obtaining relational knowledge from being in several serious relationships, I doubt I could ever find another person whom I could open my heart to. I would refuse to settle for anyone not resembling my idea of the "perfect" man, who in reality can't possibly exist. I guess I never know what the future may hold, as I recall once thinking the very same thing prior to meeting J. I thought I couldn't possibly meet a man who embodied all aspects of my "ideal man", yet J came into my life at the perfect time. Unfortunately, I let him go and didn't allow him the second chance he still so deeply desires.

In the end I hope G and I can work through our differences. I don't envision us making progress in the near future because I can't trust a single word G says. One second he will apologize for being a jerk and literally one minute later he will cuss me out and try to put me down. His words mean nothing to me and his actions reflect those of a very self centered, selfish, lazy person. I am so disgusted I fell for his lies and ended up with the type of person I despise more than any other.

Comments

Anonymous said…
"When agitated, pause."

That's the best advice I've ever been given. Right now, your emotions are all stirred up and put under holiday and travel pressures, so it's not the best time to try and make big life decisions. Wait. There's no harm in waiting until after the New Year, is there? Your arguments haven't gotten physical, right? If that's the situation, just coast right now and figure it out after the holidays. Things may change. And, if they don't, well, at least you can say you give it every chance.

Something else that might help is to picture what your life would be like after making various decisions. If you stay married, realistically, what would life look like? And how would it be different, again realistically, if you divorced G.? Would you go find J.? Or move a different direction?
Stuff to consider before making a big change. I always ask myself why over and over again until I'm truly satisfied with the answer before making any big decisions.
12/22/2005 7:40 AM
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