Yay for Columbus Day!

Yay, no work today for me. I love Government work...sometimes. Yesterday I finally caught G's cold and became ill. I still feel terrible today but am in an upbeat mood. I mean who wouldn't love sleeping in, playing w/ a precious puppy, shopping, and cooking all day? I love to cook and bake but I don't have time now that my job consumes the vast majority of my life. For Christmas, G and I will be traveling to our home town, where the temperature is substantially cooler than my current local. I went shopping for sweaters and jackets for my little gal. I will have to post a picture because she is so darn cute. She is so cute I couldn't stop laughing, poor thing couldn't even walk in some of the parkas I bought for her. Don't go thinking I am crazy now! What can I say, I love my dog and she is my replacement child, so of course I have to spoil her. I can't go shopping for a child of my own. It is so difficult to shop for dogs, there isn't a lot of variety.

I'm debating if I should seek another opinion regarding my endometriosis or just wait to see what happens. G and I are "officially" trying to get pregnant now. The doctor said we must "officially" try for one year w/o success to be considered infertile. I am thinking we can try for one year and if nothing happens, then I can seek another opinion and find a doctor who can perform surgery. I decided I refuse to take the injections the other doctor suggested, so I really don't' have a choice other than to wait or have surgery now without knowing what miracle may happen in the next year. I am trying to remain optimistic since I am so young, but I am so young to have such a severe case. Anyways, I haven't been letting it effect my life.

The last few days I finally processed the little incident involving J. My feelings were overwhelming for a few days, but this weekend I finally pulled myself together. I am back to feeling little to no emotional connection towards J. I seriously wonder if I have bipolar or something since I am high one day and low the next. I wonder if my way of dealing with issues involves blocking them out of my mind so I can feel better...temporarily. Personally, I think anyway of coping so I can have a good day places me farther ahead in my journey through life. A "good day" is huge for me because I have so much emotionally and physically to overcome.

Oh, when I just sat down on the computer J instant messaged me and said he just wanted to let me know he was jumped by 16 Mexicans this weekend. He has 3 broken bones in his face and probably has to have surgery, etc. It is times like this I know I must have a problem allowing myself to feel, because I really care about J and still love him, but don't "feel" the least bit upset by his news. What happened to him is very terrible and unfortunate, which I told him. I said I would keep him in my prayers and wished him well...that is it! Nothing else. I am proud in a way because I prevented myself from becoming emotionally involved in his situation.

On my last post, "Regrets?", Network Geek posted a very valid comment, mentioning I may be intentionally sabotaging my situation with J. I think he may be right, even though I hate to admit I "might" do such a thing. I think having a "backup" plan helps get me through many trying situations in my life. J has been my "backup" plan for the last 6 years. I feel by letting him go completely I would have nothing, which I know isn't true. It is sad though, my main motivation for remaining with G is stability and financial security. To be with J I would have to go against my instincts for "safety" and "security" for a "chance" at love. I am not daring or on the edge by any degree. My idea of living on the edge involves not wearing my seat belt while crossing a single street, which I wouldn't dare do. So, unless I have a huge revelation in my life I will probably continue to play it safe for the rest of my life.

Comments

Anonymous said…
hmmnn... that's life. And life comes for a reason and purpose, just go girl.

i suggest you put a tagboard in your blog so that we can chat easily.
10/12/2005 9:22 PM
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