Fallen

I thought I would be ok today, but I guess I didn't look ok. My friends at work said, "what is wrong? I've never seen you like this before, are you ok? The mail man even asked me if I was ok. I hadn't been crying or anything. I guess my face said it all. I managed to hold in the pain for most of the day. It still hurts so badly, and would be so much easier to repress, but I can't. It is so ironic that I work with families who can't or won't take care of their children and they have tons of kids who they loose their rights to. I on the other hand would give anything just to have one child of my own. It is almost a slap in the face. After doing research, I have about a 1.5% of becomming pregnant, even with IVF because my reproductive system is so inflammed it can't even accept a zygote. If I try every month for 8.2 years I might be able to become pregnant, but the statistics don't account for miscarriage. I really need a miracle!

I talked to G for about 10 minutes today and tried to call him when I arrived home but he already left for the evening. I really need him here, but I wish I could at least talk to him. He doesn't seem to really care because he is out partying and wining and dining people for his company. He said he doesn't expect to get in until 1 am tonight. I figured he would at least make more of an effort because he knows how much I need him right now. It is times like this I really begin to think of J, because he would be here for me if I asked him to. I am sure he is online right now. Last October when G left on his annual business trip I spent a lot of time talking to J. G barely even called me for an entire week because he was too busy getting intoxicated to bother calling. I don't feel like G really cares about me, and I need to feel as if my spouse truly cares, especially right now.

Heaven bent to take my hand

And lead me through the fire

Be the long awaited answer

To a long and painful fight

Truth be told

I've tried my best

But somewhere along the way

I got caught up in all there was to offer

And the cost was so much more than I could bear

Though I've tried,

I've fallen...

I have sunk so low

I have messed up

Better I should know

So don't come round here

And tell me I told you so...

We all begin with good intent

Love was raw and young

We believed that we could change ourselves

The past could be undone

But we carry on our backs the burden

Time always reveals

The lonely light of morning

The wound that would not heal

It's the bitter taste of losing everything

That I have held so dear.

I've fallen...
I have sunk so low
I have messed up
Better I should know
So don't come round here
And tell me I told you so...

Heaven bent to take my hand

Nowhere left to turn

I'm lost to those I thought were friends

To everyone I know

Oh they turned their heads embarrassed

Pretend that they don't see

But it's one missed step

You'll slip before you know it

And there doesn't seem a way to be redeemed

Though I've tried,
I've fallen...
I have sunk so low
I have messed up
Better I should know
So don't come round here
And tell me I told you so...

Sarah McLachlan~Fallen