Home for the Holidays

In a few days G and I are flying home for the holidays and will be gone for almost 2 weeks. I was so excited about spending Christmas with my family this year, since it has been two years since I've been home for Christmas. I feel so depressed though. No one is coming home for Christmas aside from G and I. Everyone went home for Thanksgiving instead. My parents and siblings are going to my bitchy aunts house for Christmas and G and I refuse to go. She constantly spreads terrible rumors about me because she is jealous. I can't buy into her immaturity and cattiness for Christmas so I am going to just remove myself from the situation entirely. Unfortunately, I won't be spending Christmas with my family either. I am starting to wonder why I am even going back. I was looking forward to spending time with my sister, but she will be working every day.

I think a recent death is prompting my recent bout of depression and pessimism. A few days ago my friends', friend committed suicide. His wife was having an affair and divorcing him. He beat her boyfriend and was charged with a felony. He had two small children and couldn't face loosing his job, career, and wife. He was meeting some friends in a town about 2 hours away and just stopped his truck on the side of the road and ran off a huge bridge. His friends found him after seeing his vehicle and several others stopped on the side of the road. His wife doesn't even know because she is on a vacation with her boyfriend. I feel so touched by this tragic death, but part of me wishes I had the same courage to take the same leap. I never met him but can't erase the images of his story from my mind. In a way, I wish I could just end the misery in my life. I don't think I could ever follow through, because it is such a selfish act. I also fear eternal damnation. I think my deteriorating situation with G is slowly pushing me over the edge again. I can't bear another season of severe depression. When we were first married, G walked in on me as I was about to take my life. At that time, my life was consumed by thoughts of how I would end my misery. I have been able to free myself from such harmful thoughts for almost 3 years now. I just hope and pray I can pull myself out of the hole I am living in right now.

Comments

Anonymous said…
Dying is easy, but living is hard.
I've been close to taking my own life several times this past year, for much the same reason as your friend's friend. I lost everything that mattered to me when my wife left and poisoned her daughter against me. 18 months ago, I had hopes and dreams for a life that included a family, even if the child was one I shared with another father.
In the end, though, I kept on going for just those same reasons. Because, someday, that little girl is going to look at my life and how I lived it and ask questions. I want to have lived the right answers for her.

Where there is life, there is hope, and where there is hope, there are always possibilities. Don't give up yet. If you believe in a higher spiritual power than yourself, then believe that being has a plan for your life that you cannot possibly imagine. Yes, it may have more than its share of pain, but how you live through that may inspire someone else to do good.

If you ever get close to taking your life again and want someone to talk to, leave a comment on my blog that starts PRIVATE! HELP! Include contact info. I *will* get in touch. I have been in that dark hole of depression and know what it feels like. I also know what it feels like to walk in the light again. Don't ever give up.
12/21/2005 5:25 AM
Searching for the Answers... said…
Network geek~
Thank you! I know all hope is lost once a person dies, but sometimes it is so hard to see hope in living.
12/21/2005 10:14 PM
Soul Searching said…
I hate that you are feeling that way, especially so close to the holidays. I have never felt bad enough to consider suicide, so I don't quite understand, but I hope you keep using whatever reasons you have to keep yourself from doing it. I also hope you would talk to someone about it, someone you trust completely. I hope you have someone like that. You can email me any time if you need to talk, or just get shit out. I don't know you, but through your writing I can see a very thoughtful and passionate person, and I'd hate for the world to be without that.
12/22/2005 2:10 PM
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