What if...Fear, One in the Same?

Today during another emotionally trying day I came to a realization in the depths of despair... I live life in fear. I have two ways to live my life, love and fear, and I sadly admit that I choose fear. In some respect I am afraid to live because the pain each new day brings. Thinking of all the things I fear brings me to tears, because it is so sad. I never thought I of all people would succumb to fear and let it rule my life. I realized all the "what if's" in my life represent my fear of making a mistake or the wrong choice. Every situation that involves J revolves around "what if's"...what if we were still together, what if we are supposed to be together, what if we made a mistake, what if? I think the all encompassing effect of fear in my life prevents me from letting J go. I fear I made a mistake in leaving him, in marrying my spouse, in living alone, in moving on, so I hold on to my memories to obtain some hope that I can correct my mistakes. I'm not exactly sure what to do with this realization and I don't know how to use my understanding to help me let go, but maybe in time I will know.

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9/13/2005 4:51 PM
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