What Makes an Unhappy Relationship...

I thought I would share some information I've obtained over the years regarding relationships. John Gottman is a leading researcher in predicting divorce. Using the points highlighted below he can predict divorce up to 97% of the time, even in newlywed couples. For a 4 page article on Gottman's work please click on the header (includes in depth discussion of the four horsemen).

• According to a 15-year survey reported in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, an individual's level of happiness before marriage is the best predictor of happiness after marriage.

What Makes an Unhappy Relationship

The Seven "Bad Habits" of Unsuccessful Marriages: (The Gottman Institute)

1. A high ratio of negative to positive inputs. If a ratio greater than 1 negative to every 5 positive interactions in a relationship exists, then a couple will be less resilient to marital stress and exhibit a higher divorce rate. A couple is headed for divorce if the ratio sinks to 1 1/2 negatives to each positive input. The idea is not to eliminate all negatives, but to learn how to keep the ratio strongly positive. For example, complaints, while negative, are the means of pointing out our problems. When a complaint can be dealt with positively, it improves the "field" of the relationship.
2. Ignoring the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse (Criticism, Defensiveness, Contempt and Stonewalling) and gender differences in these. Females are more apt to criticize, males to stonewall or refuse to participate. Developing awareness of the impact of these discounting actions and learning a process for handling differences without resorting to them is an important step toward harmony.
3. Failure of repair attempts: What is repair? Can be almost anything, a smile, use of humor, a comment on the communication itself, or some way that the couples find to support and smooth one another. Couples who were consistently unsuccessful at repair attempts were more likely to end the relationship.
4. Negativity in the 'field' that is part of every interaction -- words, tones and non-verbals (expressions, attitudes)--that are perceived as discounts. These register, are stored, and influence future transactions. It is important to learn one's 'invisible' language that has such an influence on how one is perceived.
5. Flooding--being swept away, overwhelmed by negative emotions and into extreme statements that lead to distancing and isolation. It is important to learn self-soothing practices to use when the going gets too hot to handle.
6. Chronic, diffuse physiological arousal--hair trigger anger and negativity. When the 'field' of the relationship is tense and one is often feeling defensive, it is essential to have processes that allow one to air the problems and reduce the tension.
7. The failure of men to accept influence from women: Negative affects reciprocity (which is the probability a person's emotion will be negative right after his or her partner has exhibited negativity) has been found to be present in both happy and unhappy marriages. An important difference that predicted divorce was the escalation of negativity by men, which turned out to be an index of the men's refusal to accept influence from their partner. Gottman tested the hypothesis that marriages will work to the extent that men accept influence from, share power with, women. His prediction rate was 80%.

• Gottman found the presence of the Four Horsemen could allow his team to predict divorce with 85% accuracy. When they included whether repair attempts were successful, that went up to 97.5%!

The most common reason given for divorce (California Divorce Mediation Project): 80% of both men and women said it was the gradual growing apart and losing a sense of closeness, and not feeling loved and appreciated. This underscores the importance of learning the skills of positive interaction so that one is in the best position to make the most of the many opportunities for rewarding interactions present in nearly every marriage.