I Loved Him So Much I Had to Let Go...

Well the unfortunate day finally arrived when I knew I would have to show my love was true. He said he was uncertain about what he wanted to do in the future and found it difficult to decide with me in his life, for he knew he would do what ever I wanted to do. I sensed the desperation and confusion in his mind and suggested we separate temporarily (we thought). I loved him so much I just had to let go because I wanted him to be happy and find himself, even if it wasn't with me. Little did I know what laid ahead to haunt me for the rest of my life.

The pain I felt inside slowly began to eat me alive and consumed my life. For months I couldn't eat, sleep, or concentrate. I went days on end without any sleep at all. Suddenly, it began... I started to sleep again, I saw other people, I blocked his calls, I ignored his desperate attempts to renter into my life, while I swore I'd never love again. Don't ask why, but slowly the clouds began to clear as I started to experience joy again as this thing called denial slowly took hold of my life. Looking back, I'm not sure how I pretended for so long that I didn't love him. After I broke free from the false front of denial it seemed too late to reclaim what I figured was forever lost.

By the time I temporarily awoke from the tragic nightmare I already fell in love with my current spouse. He treated me like shit, but I stayed. Oh God why did I stay? I tried to leave and even broke up with him once, but I just couldn't go back to feeling the pain of a broken heart. All the while, my ex kept saying how he still loved me an wanted me back. He said he would never forgive himself if he didn't get a second chance. That summer he came to visit me ...we had been separated for 8 long months. I couldn't believe how my emotions, heart, mind, and soul became revived as he hugged me under the star lit sky. As I looked up I saw over 10 stars collide as we embraced. We spent a few great days together, me never once professing the love I felt inside as the denial once again took hold. For some reason I still felt like I needed to let him go. I didn't want him to feel obligated to me, so I gave him as much space as I could while slowly pushing him away. I thought someone else could make him so much happier, so I pretended I didn't love him the same way.

A year and a half later, still in a cloud of denial I walked down that wretched aisle, wishing and praying he would come barging in to carry me away from the mess I found myself in. For two years we rarely talked as I felt I was doing what was best for him. I didn't want him to be influenced by me nor add more pain and confusion to his life. For my life was already a living hell. Through casual friends I heard of his tragic dating life, because he compared everyone to me. No matter what or whom he had, they just couldn't measure up.

Then one day out of the blue I received a detrimental call. It was him! He called to say he was engaged, which immediately broke down the walls of the cage I built around my heart. I tried to sound happy for him, for this was what I wanted, right? I wanted him to move on and find happiness, so why didn't it elate my day? The next few weeks were a daze of confusion and utter stress as I tried to digest the news and remain strong. Once released, the pressure began to build to a point I could no longer contain my love for him. So one dark night I called him to say everything that had been on my mind since we separated. I wanted him to know the mistake I thought I made in marrying, for I knew he was headed on the same path of disaster I already crossed. He said he couldn't wait forever, so decided to settle for less. Most of all I just had to say I still loved him. I knew I had to say what I should have years before, because I didn't want it to be too late for him too. We realized nothing had changed after all the years apart had passed. We still felt exactly the same, but our circumstances now kept us apart.

We were scheduled to meet that Spring, but our plans unfortunately fell through. I was so ready to leave, yet still so afraid, so I decided to stay. We talked as much as we could bear throughout the last year. For the pain becomes unimaginable when two love each other so, but still can't be together. Maybe it would all change if we could just see each other again?