Back to the future... Did you know? A tiny view of my marriage...

Did you know it will take me forever and a year to completely disclose my entire story. Don't assume, because you never know what may consume my life.

I know, from what I've written so far I sound like an aimlessly wandering love sick babe. I've tried to start over more times than I can count and actually did take the ever haunting leap of faith. In a love sick passive state of denial I rushed into many new relationships. I distortedly thought someone new could get him off my mind.

It was from within that nasty state of denial I cruelly awoke from an oh so abrupt dream to find myself married in an abusive relationship. I knew all the signs to look for, so how could I have been taken so off guard? He was the so called seemingly perfect guy until we were married for only a month and a day. It was only verbal and mental at first, which slowly lead into my physical destruction. I was trapped and couldn't escape the small confines of control he put me through...I couldn't escape as the monster continued to grow until I thought he or I would eventually take my life.

For it was my true love who helped me by all the times I decided to take my life. I knew I couldn't die knowing I never had the chance to say goodbye. For during the inner depths of deepest depression I only saw his sweet face. I was faced with the same predicament I am in now, should I stay or should I go? Well we all know I am too afraid to go, but one tends to bear an entirely different frame of mind when approaching deaths doorstep. I seemingly lost all fear in those now revered moments and the clouds almost seemed to clear. I figured if I was going to end my life I first had to try life on the other side...but was still too afraid.

Then, it happened...the night I knew it had gone way too far. I could see the dark cloud hovering over him as he raced towards me that dark frightful night. This was it...I finally knew how my life would end, how sad for it to be at your hand. In a desperate last attempt to free myself from the wretched cage, somehow I managed to call for help which arrived as I gasped for what would be my last breath.

Why did I go back? Well, in a way I still felt utterly trapped. I relied on him for everything and if I left I had no choice but to take to the streets. I kept telling myself, it is a small price to pay to be one more day closer to my final redemption. Well three years later it still hasn't came...resulting in my state of inner confusion. I do love my husband and yes that lonely night in jail certainly changed him. Our 3 month separation also changed me. I am stronger now, and he knows one more bruise or blow will mean the end. On occasion he still tries to control, manipulate, and belittle me, but I am stronger now. I will never again allow him to take from me my will to live.

You may not yet fully understand, but be patient. My story took years of pain and torment to live, so I can only expect it to take some time to relive in my head. Eventually it will all become clear...