Guess What... I'm Still Confused!

Wow...it has been a while since my last post. A lot has happened in so little time. My husband and I talked rationally (not a good idea to discuss critical marital issues in the midst of drunkenness). I think we made progress, but we both feel indifferent about our relationship now. Maybe our sense of security in one another and our relationship was lost, I don't know? I thought I knew my husband, but obviously don't. He shocked the hell out of me when he said he wanted me to move back with my family. Later he recanted his statements about me leaving and resenting me not having a job and mentioned they were only to hurt me. I still can't believe what he said though, even if it was supposedly out of spite. We both decided to work on our relationship and attempt to have more patience for one another. We've both been on edge the last several days. I don't know what will happen, but I think we will probably stay together even if we aren't happy because we are afraid of change.

I have been thinking about going back to school for another degree so I could hopefully support myself. Sad I could make more with an associates degree in an entirely different career than a Master's degree in my current field. I inquired about a few programs and I have to wait until fall of 2008 just to start! Insane! I hate the feeling of being trapped in a relationship. I'm not afraid of commitment, but afraid of not being able to support myself. My initial goal in obtaining higher education was self sufficiency, but I feel like I am starting all over again and I wasted 3 years of my life obtaining a worthless Bachelor's degree.

I also talked to my ex. No matter how hard I try I can't let him go. It doesn't matter what he does or how pissed I may be... I still can't stop loving him, God knows I wish I could! I've tried time and time again for the last 5 years with no luck. He has also tried. We've even went years without speaking and still can't let what we had go. I could see if one of us had an obsession, but we both do, why? What was it about "US" that we just can't let go? Even though I am married I still see myself being with him in the end, even if it is 50 years from now. I've read many sweet stories of long lost loves reconnecting after decades have past and families have been raised. The situation is so difficult because we both hold back because I am married, so I never really know what he is thinking (although he asks me if I "know" how he feels every time I talk to him). He had a dream about us on Monday. I was with him in his city. We were playing and having a great time on the beach (making love on the beach- he wouldn't' tell me this, but I know this is what he dreamt), then we moved to my home town with my family (whom he absolutely adores...almost more than me) and married, we built a house and had a family. Yes...sounds too good to be true, I guess that is why it was a dream! I wish I had normal dreams or at least sweet dreams, mine are psychotic, rarely romantic, mainly jumbled confusion. I do wish his dream could come true though, because in reality it is my dream and his too. I think he is still coming to see me in 1.5 weeks. I am guessing it will only be for a few hours, but at least I can see him, since it has been more years than I can even recall. He told me he probably isn't engaged anymore since "she" refuses to move even remotely close to him. He can't move for at least 3 more years. He is going home this week, so I guess I will have to wait to see what unfolds in respect to his relationship. I know mine isn't going any better. Gosh, I think we just need to see each other.

Well I better head for bed since I have an early morning awaiting. Good night, sweet dreams...