How Ironic and hopeless...



How ironic that the day I decide to stay with my husband we talk or I should say scream about getting a divorce. I finally said it... I said I thought about divorce from the first day we were ever married. As far as I know, my marriage is over, completely over. Life is one sick joke! I don't know what I am going to do considering I have a worthless degree, because I sacrificed everything for my husband. One piece of advice is to think of yourself before anyone else, because they will leave you in the dust faster than you will ever know! I don't have a job or a place to live, I am thousands of miles away from my family. I've been trying to find a job for 8 months now and still can't find one using my degree. The cost of living is so high I will definitely be on the streets even if I find a job. I feel so hopeless and alone and I don't have one single person to turn to. I just pray God would take me from this hell I am living. I feel the weight of the world on my shoulders, even one step requires the exertion of a thousand pounds. My husband didn't even flinch when I said I couldn't stand the misery of marriage any longer. What a fool I am to believe two men actually cared for me, when in reality all I have is my family. Funny how I thought my husband wanted my happiness, when he only cares about his own. He said he despised the fact I haven't found a job making as much as he does. What does he expect when I gave up my dreams for him? I feel so stupid for ever believing the lie...Sacrificing does not make one love you more, but only hate you in the end. I never used to drink, but now I find myself drinking more and more, possibly as a means to deal with the pain I just can't escape. I wonder how the words I am typing sound considering I can barely even read what I am typing through a combination of my tears and drunkenness. I feel so hopeless, as if I am at the bottom of the barrel. I am afraid to face the day tomorrow, my life is crumbling as I speak. How sad when tomorrow is supposed to be a day to celebrate Jesus' rising from the dead. I feel as if I have just been buried alive, I only wish I were dead so I could alleviate the pain.

Comments

Soul Searching said…
Wow, I hope the clarity comes to you soon!

You said to always think of yourself, and i think that's key. I'm learning that, too. You have to concentrate on making YOU the best you can be...without a man. Only then will you allow the right person to come into your life. I know it's probably not what you want to hear...trust me, I didn't either...but it makes sense, and during times like these it sometimes helps to make sense of something.

And keep writing! It's helps so much to get things out, and then can help when you go back and read it again later.

Take care :) You'll be in my thoughts.
3/30/2005 2:54 PM
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