My Spouse...
Well, if you didn't know, I have two great men in my life, which only infuses more confusion in my plight to decide. I really do love this guy, just not in the same way. I have a genuine concern for his well being and sometimes just wish he would find someone else, although I'm grateful to have him in my life.
I still can't believe I married this guy. For he was the last person in the world I would have ever wanted to marry, and I still to this day don't know why I did. I mean from the very first kiss I kept telling myself "you can't be doing this!". Somewhere inside I know I am afraid to face change and look pain in the eye, so I usually take the easiest route. At the time marrying him was easier than going through the torment of a terrible break up again and much easier than asking myself why? But when I look back, it would have been a hell of a lot easier to just say goodbye! Gosh, how could I walk down that aisle when all I saw was my past love's face? I knew then what I know now...I think I made a terrible mistake.
The first half of our marriage was quite scary and screwed up if I might say. He didn't know how to control his temper and thought he would succeed in making me his if only he could control what I did and said. After a very rude awakening he magically changed. He no longer tries to hurt and control to get his way. For the most part he just lets me be me.
He is well educated and maintains a great career. Lately he hasn't stopped begging me to have kids. I would say financially we are doing quite well for as young as we are. For in two years we've accomplished more than I thought I would in 15 years! He goes to work while I stay home. I do feel bad for this, but I was the one who gave up my career dreams just for him. It really isn't my fault I can't find a job in my stupid field with my worthless degree. If stuck with my original choice I would blow his income out of the water and could make a decent living for myself (now how can I leave when I can't even support myself?). He would spend every last cent if he could buying me only what he deems 'the best'. He always purchases extravagant gifts I know he really can't afford. I wish he'd understand materialism can't purchase my happiness. I just don't understand why he will spend thousands on an overpriced item, but not even a few dollars to purchase flowers once in a while. He says he can't buy flowers regularly, because then I won't be surprised...which turns out to be NEVER. I also don't understand why he thinks working overtime to make more money to buy me worthless things is more important to him than spending one hour with me alone? He says seeing me happy makes him happy...I wonder to what level he actually means? Every day he tells me everything he loves so much about me. I can't even begin to count how many times he says out of the blue "gosh, I sure do love you!". I can be in the middle of a sentence and he might just blurt "I love being married to you!". For one second I never doubt how in love with me he really is. It's sad to say, but I just don't feel the same way.
He doesn't thrive on adventure, so we lead a fairly boring life. His hobbies include watching TV, more TV, and oh... TV, sleeping (usually out by 8 pm), eating, starting new projects before finishing the five he already started last week, woodworking, going out to eat...hmmm I think that's all. I practically have to drag him out of the house before we can do anything else. Before I led such an active and exciting life. I love adventure and the outdoors and yesterday was the first time we did an outdoor activity in almost a year! Come on now...how can he wonder why he keeps gaining weight? It's not fair I'm expected to stay thin and sexy, while I watch his huge pooch grow larger each day.
In all honesty, I just don't understand him. He frustrates the hell out of me to a point I could just scream! He is the biggest slob I've ever known. Who knew it was a crime to pick up after oneself or heaven forbid clean the counter after making a mess, or even rinse out the dirty dish rag. Maybe I just have to accept my life and the daily torment I go though, because I'm not sure how much longer I can put up with someone I just can't stand. Life is supposed to be a challenge...right? Well, then I've been given the biggest challenge of all! Sometimes I think I should entirely give up on men.
Did I forget to say he really is a nice guy? If you saw us on the street you would think we were utterly in love. He would give you the shirt off his back if he could, given you weren't a minority. If you were elderly he would surely give up his seat. He attends church with me regularly, even though I have to practically drag him to go. He is very loving to me given I don't challenge his world view in any way. He often tells me I look so pretty and can't keep his hands to himself, especially when we are in public (which annoys the hell out of me!). He now has a pretty good handle on his temper, so very rarely yells. I am serious when I say, he is a good guy, but I don't know why I find it so difficult to portray.
Ok, so I tried to write an unbiased portrayal of my spouse. I know I didn't succeed, but I couldn't really think of anything unbiased to say. Maybe I will try again another day. :-)
I still can't believe I married this guy. For he was the last person in the world I would have ever wanted to marry, and I still to this day don't know why I did. I mean from the very first kiss I kept telling myself "you can't be doing this!". Somewhere inside I know I am afraid to face change and look pain in the eye, so I usually take the easiest route. At the time marrying him was easier than going through the torment of a terrible break up again and much easier than asking myself why? But when I look back, it would have been a hell of a lot easier to just say goodbye! Gosh, how could I walk down that aisle when all I saw was my past love's face? I knew then what I know now...I think I made a terrible mistake.
The first half of our marriage was quite scary and screwed up if I might say. He didn't know how to control his temper and thought he would succeed in making me his if only he could control what I did and said. After a very rude awakening he magically changed. He no longer tries to hurt and control to get his way. For the most part he just lets me be me.
He is well educated and maintains a great career. Lately he hasn't stopped begging me to have kids. I would say financially we are doing quite well for as young as we are. For in two years we've accomplished more than I thought I would in 15 years! He goes to work while I stay home. I do feel bad for this, but I was the one who gave up my career dreams just for him. It really isn't my fault I can't find a job in my stupid field with my worthless degree. If stuck with my original choice I would blow his income out of the water and could make a decent living for myself (now how can I leave when I can't even support myself?). He would spend every last cent if he could buying me only what he deems 'the best'. He always purchases extravagant gifts I know he really can't afford. I wish he'd understand materialism can't purchase my happiness. I just don't understand why he will spend thousands on an overpriced item, but not even a few dollars to purchase flowers once in a while. He says he can't buy flowers regularly, because then I won't be surprised...which turns out to be NEVER. I also don't understand why he thinks working overtime to make more money to buy me worthless things is more important to him than spending one hour with me alone? He says seeing me happy makes him happy...I wonder to what level he actually means? Every day he tells me everything he loves so much about me. I can't even begin to count how many times he says out of the blue "gosh, I sure do love you!". I can be in the middle of a sentence and he might just blurt "I love being married to you!". For one second I never doubt how in love with me he really is. It's sad to say, but I just don't feel the same way.
He doesn't thrive on adventure, so we lead a fairly boring life. His hobbies include watching TV, more TV, and oh... TV, sleeping (usually out by 8 pm), eating, starting new projects before finishing the five he already started last week, woodworking, going out to eat...hmmm I think that's all. I practically have to drag him out of the house before we can do anything else. Before I led such an active and exciting life. I love adventure and the outdoors and yesterday was the first time we did an outdoor activity in almost a year! Come on now...how can he wonder why he keeps gaining weight? It's not fair I'm expected to stay thin and sexy, while I watch his huge pooch grow larger each day.
In all honesty, I just don't understand him. He frustrates the hell out of me to a point I could just scream! He is the biggest slob I've ever known. Who knew it was a crime to pick up after oneself or heaven forbid clean the counter after making a mess, or even rinse out the dirty dish rag. Maybe I just have to accept my life and the daily torment I go though, because I'm not sure how much longer I can put up with someone I just can't stand. Life is supposed to be a challenge...right? Well, then I've been given the biggest challenge of all! Sometimes I think I should entirely give up on men.
Did I forget to say he really is a nice guy? If you saw us on the street you would think we were utterly in love. He would give you the shirt off his back if he could, given you weren't a minority. If you were elderly he would surely give up his seat. He attends church with me regularly, even though I have to practically drag him to go. He is very loving to me given I don't challenge his world view in any way. He often tells me I look so pretty and can't keep his hands to himself, especially when we are in public (which annoys the hell out of me!). He now has a pretty good handle on his temper, so very rarely yells. I am serious when I say, he is a good guy, but I don't know why I find it so difficult to portray.
Ok, so I tried to write an unbiased portrayal of my spouse. I know I didn't succeed, but I couldn't really think of anything unbiased to say. Maybe I will try again another day. :-)
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