He Said He is Coming to See Me...

Oh my God, what do I do? Why do I have to be so damn confused? So he said he might be coming to see me in the next few weeks and he wants to meet alone. I haven't seen him in four long years...

What do I do? I’m living my life without you! I have all these jumbled thoughts in my head. Sometimes I think life would be perfect living with you in a little cottage on the beach, but then I wonder who I am trying to fool. Life isn’t perfect, so why do I dream of it being so? Sometimes I think you care, but most of the time I think it is just a game to you. Are you only pursuing this because it gives you a challenge or another thrill? I am afraid of what the future holds, but more afraid of what I may leave behind. How will I ever know what I should have or could have done? How can I go on living life without your presence, when I am haunted daily in my dreams with unending thoughts of you? Will seeing you really make a difference, will it make life more complex and more difficult to bear, or will I finally find the clarity and peace of mind I have been searching so hard to find? How do I escape the daily torment I am going through, for it is ceaseless thoughts of you that are forever etched in my mind? At the thought of finally seeing you after so many years little butterflies flutter away inside, pulling on my heart strings. I know exactly how I will feel as you hold me in your gentle embrace. We will become one together with our hearts a fire. What will I see when I look into the depths of your strong, yet caring eyes? I can only guess they will be filled with love and awe, just as you will see in mine. Oh God, do I take the next step into the vast unknown? I know our eyes will lock in an intense passionate gaze. I know you want to and so do I, but I am so afraid. What happens if we actually take the next step? How can I leave what I have now, but how can I go on without you in my life? Or, will this forever be goodbye? How can I let you go without knowing? What if I never see you again? What if we never get the chance to partake in one last kiss? I don’t think I could live with myself. I would feel even worse, not knowing.

Comments

Soul Searching said…
This is my first time here, and I can totally relate to this post. I'm feeling the exact same things right now, and it's a total bitch. I hope you find some peace inside...easier said than done, I know :)
3/16/2005 4:20 PM
Searching for the Answers... said…
I'm so sorry to hear you are going through the same thing...I wouldn't wish the feeling on my worst enemy! Thanks though, its nice to know I'm not completely alone. Stay tuned... maybe I will eventually find clarity?
3/16/2005 4:32 PM
Anonymous said…
You have so many expectations and fears that these will get in the way of everything and anything... plus, what you seek to restablish is unfair to your spouse. What you relate borders on obsession, not love. You long for something from the past, but there has been growth and change in both of you, and it seems that you established a life and "moved on" -- but underneath the exterior, you haven't let go of the past and are locked there, and that isn't healthy. If you felt this way when you got married, you did both you and your partner a disservice as you had not completely healed from the past before moving on... and now the pain you feel for this one lost relationship, will spill over into the lives of others. Seek peace within and quiet the deamons first before seeking refuge from without.
3/17/2005 11:39 PM
Searching for the Answers... said…
Thanks for your comments. I guess it is an obsession (ie: A persistent, repetitive, and unwanted thought. Cannot be eliminated by logic or reasoning. -Websters). I've tried everything possible to eliminate the feelings and move on, but they haunt me every single day, even in my dreams. My ex has the same problem and we still feel the same way (so it's not just me), which makes us both wonder why? All the ironic events also make us wonder, because we've never experienced anything even comparable in any other relationship. I only wish I could forget... like the movie Eternal Sunshine!
3/18/2005 12:19 AM
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