"Facing the Giants"

I've found a bit of a 2nd wind this week since it is spring break. I haven't had school for 4 days now, and can't believe how much stress it adds to my life. I admit, 80+ hours per week is about killing me. I've been sick since 1/31/09, so it will be 6 weeks tomorrow. The last few days I've been feeling better, but I still have a major sinus and ear infection. At least I don't have a 103 degree fever like I did last week and have to spend 9 hours at school. I've been going 80+ hours a week, while being sick. Getting sick was not factored into my plan!!!! Thank God I only have 7 days left of school!!!!!!!!!!!!

I will be super stressed next week because I have my last evaluation to determine if I pass student teaching. Plus the principal and vice principal will be evaluating me as well to determine if I am the type of teacher they may consider hiring for next school year. I really need to get hired as a teacher, because both G and I could loose our current jobs in the next few months. Plus, many districts are firing all new teachers, laying off many more, and instituting hiring freezes. Since I am with a Charter School, I may have a chance of getting hired, because they are not impacted the same way as public schools. On top of that, G just told me his aunt and uncle are coming to stay with us on Monday and Tuesday! Now, I need to clean my house on the few days I needed to work on my lesson plans. How could they pick the worst possible time and not even ask us? Oh, and my dog is also having puppies in the next week too. Thus, I may have to skip a day of school, potentially even the evaluation days to stay with her if she does go into labor. We didn't want to breed them this time, but during the last few days of her heat she crawled through her baby gate. We've had this gate for several years and she has never went through it; something we didn't even know was possible!

If all of that isn't stressful enough, we are being told by the adoption agency that our home study could be rejected by the court due to G's past misdemeanor. Therefore, we must attend marriage counseling and get a letter stating what happened 6 years ago is no longer an issue. I am so frustrated because I can't biologically have children and now I feel like I'm being told we can't adopt either. I just want to be a parent...why does it have to be so difficult? My brother notified me they are expecting again...and whoops, they weren't really even trying yet.

I'll admit, I almost lost it a few weeks ago. With all the stress, working so much, the possible loss of our jobs, and being very sick, I felt so emotionally wore down. I felt like driving my car into a brick wall. I literally had to pull over on the side of the road to prevent myself from doing something stupid. Thankfully, after about an hour I came to my senses and drove home. I think in some crazy way I am now at peace amid all the turmoil. What happens, happens. I recently watched the movie "Facing the Giants", and balled my head off. My mom told me to watch it one day when I was feeling very depressed. It really is an awesome movie that gives one hope to keep going. It also addressed infertility, so I could really relate.

Today I booked a ticket home for 10 days in April. My grandma will be celebrating her 75th birthday and much of my family will be there. I really need a break and vacation! I decided I couldn't wait any longer, even if my job is giving me a hard time.

Oh, I didn't mention that G has been out of town a lot lately for work. I hate being alone! He applied for a company up North...the same one his brother works for. They are very interested and plan to get back to him next week. I really hate the cold and gloom, but guess I will have to suck it up if he takes the job. He would likely have to spend a significant amount of time traveling and we may only get to see each other 1 day per week. It doesn't sound like a good option to me! I did find a country home near my brother in my home town. I guess it wouldn't be so bad living near family again and having a more rural lifestyle again. I could have chickens and a goat and get organic beef from my dad. It would could mean an increase in our quality of life, but decrease my mood and attitude (I really can't do anything outdoors when it is below 65 degrees).