No One Knows the Pain Left Behind...

(Daughtry- Open Up Your Eyes)
I wish I could start to see my world without sorrow, but it only seems to exponentially grow. For once I would love to hear some "good" news in regard to my health, but it only seems to sound more grim. I talked to my doctor today, my first time since I was in the hospital in December. She thinks I may still have a bladder infection and wants another test. I knew this would happen if I was tested while I wasn't on antibiotics. I still don't think I have one. I knew this day would come, but still wasn't ready to hear it today. She wants to completely stop my ovulation long term. She either wants me on birth control or super high doses of progesterone permanently. Supposedly this will stop the cysts from forming and reduce my pain. However, I can't take birth control because they usually contain estrogen, which I already have too much of, and it exacerbates my endometriosis. However, this will not stop the endometriosis from growing. I scheduled with a specialist for mid May to consult about surgery again and to see if I have a perforated bladder and bowel. I told them I couldn't wait that long for help, but the receptionist was so rude I cried. Thanks to an awesome friend I was able to find a doctor, that can get me in on February 5th. She isn't a specialist in endometriosis, but she performs excision surgeries to remove endometrial lesions. I don't know if she can help with the bladder or bowel, but I guess it is a sooner appointment than mid May. If she can't help me, maybe she can get me in sooner. I really wish I could go to the Mayo clinic, but unfortunately my new insurance doesn't cover them. I've also located several out of state doctors in my insurance network, but will save them for a last resort.
Yesterday I spent 8 hours in the bathtub. It was the only thing that gave me some relief to the extreme pain. I was afraid it would start again if I got out. I really feel so hopeless. I wasn't ready to completely give up all hopes of ever having a biological child, but it seems to be the prognosis. I already knew my chances were slim to none, but now without ovulation there really is NO chance. I thought I prepared myself for this day, but I just can't seem to let go. I don't want to believe all the years of unbearable pain were for nothing and for no hope in the end. How can this be?????????? Now I don't even want to adopt until I can get some relief from the pain. I can't even function, let alone take care of a child. How can life be so unfair, hopeless, and painful?

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Written in the Stars

Image
 I realize I can still feel you and after not remembering dreams for almost a decade and having none of you, yet I surprisingly remembered 3 in the past 3 months. I hated that you haunted me in my dreams a decade ago and feel I found a way to block the dreams. Now I welcome the visits since we are separated by space and time that feel lifetimes apart. I In one of my dreams you came to me with Amy Lee and I thought you were together. She sang me the song, "Broken". While on a solo journey of deep inner healing I met a man who deeply triggered me, yet I couldn't stay away. I followed my intuition and met him for a trip. Then during our synchronistic meeting he randomly started singing me the same song and playing it on his guitar while we were tripping together. On the huge screen he was playing a scene with shooting stars like we used to see together and the aurora borealis. My heart skipped a beat when I felt your energy through his song when we were all alone. I asked my
Read more

Twin Flames

Image
 Here I am 22 years after our last meeting feeling the distance between us. I finally realized why I can't seem to forget you no matter how many walls and blocks I built around my heart and mind. We are living two separate lives yet there is this indescribable energy that still remains even through the sound of silence.  After years of silence, I felt an overwhelming energy in which I felt I could explode. I resisted until I became so haunted I had to reach out. I simply sent you this song:  Hello darkness, my old friend I've come to talk with you again Because a vision softly creeping Left its seeds while I was sleeping And the vision that was planted in my brain Still remains within the sound of silence [Verse 2] In restless dreams, I walked alone Narrow streets of cobblestone 'Neath the halo of a street lamp I turned my collar to the cold and damp When my eyes were stabbed by the flash of a neon light That split the night and touched the sound of silence [Verse 3] And in
Read more

Craziest Year of My Life!!!!

Well, February 2010-February 2011 marks the most eventful period of my entire life. We started w/ a possible ovarian cancer diagnosis, G loosing his job the same week, me undergoing major surgery in March-no cancer, but no help for my chronic pain, G finding a new job in April, giving up on infertility treatments in July, adopting our precious son at the end of July, finding out I was 5 weeks pregnant when our son was 1 week old, finding out I was allergic to dairy, soy, wheat, and eggs the same week, a trip to Hawaii with our 3 week old in August, surgery for our 6 week old for Pyloric Stenosis in September, a bout with Pneumonia over Christmas, to G moving out of state in January for 11 months for his job. With all these changes, everything has worked out more perfectly than we ever could have imagined. We attribute our blessings to God and still trust he has a plan with the new changes to come. These few life changes take me to today. To say the least, I'm feeling a bit overwhe
Read more