Grief & Frustration
A few weeks ago I learned one of my best friends was in the hospital. I was just planning to see her the day before to give her a reference form for our adoption. She had lupus and struggled with bronchitis all the time. During a breathing treatment she coded and her kidneys also stopped working. When I went to see her the next day she was in a coma. The Dr. gave us her EEG results, revealing no brain activity. Like that, in a short 26 years, her life was over. She left behind a 3 & 4 year old. I couldn't help but think, "Why couldn't it have been me?" I don't have kids that I would leave behind. She is the closest person to me to ever pass away. I'm not sure how to deal with the grief or if my symptoms are grief related. I haven't been able to cry over her tragic death. However, I can't sleep and find it hard to breathe. I feel as if someone is sitting on my chest, and no matter how hard I try, I just can't get enough air. She was such a good person and the world needs more people like her. It doesn't seem fair, but what is? I'm still in shock and wish I could allow myself to feel the grief over her loss.
Tomorrow I am going home for 10 days to visit the family. Since G can't go, I think he feels resentful, which may explain why he chose to pick a fight with me tonight over something stupid. We haven't fought for months and the night I plan to spend with him, he flips out. It doesn't make sense? First, he asks when I will be home and I tell him 5 pm. I get a message at 3:30 pm asking me to call him when I get home. I call and he is at the bar with the neighbor. He said he would be home in a fifteen minutes. Well, he comes home 1.5 hours later. It would seem that if he really wanted to spend time with me, since he said he would miss me so much, that he would have made at least a half ass effort to be home. Next, he tells me he purchased a bunch of powerade today. I asked why, since we already have 2 cases that he hasn't touched for months. He then freaks out because of my question, asking why I care and why I have to ask stupid, unwarranted questions about everything. It seems he always demeans any question I ask, regardless of what it is about. I mentioned this to him and he wanted an example. When I gave the example, he started screaming at me for 20 minutes, even after I told him to stop. This raises a huge red flag, because I thought he was over throwing tantrums. He said he wants to talk to me, but screams at me when I share anything. I wasn't blaming or making any "you" statements, but he still became so defensive. Now he is sleeping and I'm guessing this will remain an unresolved issue, since I am leaving for the airport at 5 am. I don't know why explaining things to me is such a difficult request? I've asked him to do this several times, but he always makes an argument about it. When I ask what he wants me to do to prevent the issues from arising in the future, he can't come up with any suggestions; yet he's unwilling to listen to my suggestions. I feel out of options and solutions? I can't change him, but can't imagine having kids when a simple compromise seems unreachable.
Tomorrow I am going home for 10 days to visit the family. Since G can't go, I think he feels resentful, which may explain why he chose to pick a fight with me tonight over something stupid. We haven't fought for months and the night I plan to spend with him, he flips out. It doesn't make sense? First, he asks when I will be home and I tell him 5 pm. I get a message at 3:30 pm asking me to call him when I get home. I call and he is at the bar with the neighbor. He said he would be home in a fifteen minutes. Well, he comes home 1.5 hours later. It would seem that if he really wanted to spend time with me, since he said he would miss me so much, that he would have made at least a half ass effort to be home. Next, he tells me he purchased a bunch of powerade today. I asked why, since we already have 2 cases that he hasn't touched for months. He then freaks out because of my question, asking why I care and why I have to ask stupid, unwarranted questions about everything. It seems he always demeans any question I ask, regardless of what it is about. I mentioned this to him and he wanted an example. When I gave the example, he started screaming at me for 20 minutes, even after I told him to stop. This raises a huge red flag, because I thought he was over throwing tantrums. He said he wants to talk to me, but screams at me when I share anything. I wasn't blaming or making any "you" statements, but he still became so defensive. Now he is sleeping and I'm guessing this will remain an unresolved issue, since I am leaving for the airport at 5 am. I don't know why explaining things to me is such a difficult request? I've asked him to do this several times, but he always makes an argument about it. When I ask what he wants me to do to prevent the issues from arising in the future, he can't come up with any suggestions; yet he's unwilling to listen to my suggestions. I feel out of options and solutions? I can't change him, but can't imagine having kids when a simple compromise seems unreachable.
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