Can You Handle the Truth?
This has been an extremely stressful week for my job. I typically bill about 20-22 hours per week, but this week I billed over 36, meaning I worked about 50! I feel it isn't fair someone in my same position has only billed 20 hours for the entire month, yet I have billed over 70 and she is paid more than me! It isn't fair and I keep getting kids added to my case load. We are having a meeting next week to adjust our caseloads so she has a full schedule and I'm not working overtime. This is the first time in a long time I've felt like I needed to drink after work. I love the numbness a buzz gives me. Thus, I purchased a few bottles of wine on my way home. Red wine is good for you, right!
I just read Graeme's last comment and I really appreciate honest opinions; something I can't get in my daily life, because know one knows all the crap going on inside my head except my blog readers, or they are afraid of offending me. I think if we actually knew what was going on in the minds of our friends or coworkers, we would be utterly shocked!!! I can guarantee most people are a lot more screwed up than I am. Graeme thought I would take his comments personally or possibly be offended, but I am not at all. Hell, if we knew each other maybe I would go have a drink with him to get an honest, non-judgemental opinion! I feel in my heart what I would like to do, but I'm not a risk taker. I like to play life safe and comfortable. This seems to be the theme of my relationship with G; because I couldn't bear any more heartbreak I stayed with G, good or bad.
To answer Graeme's question about why I want to be a mother so badly? First, I spent time working for Child Protective Services, so I know some of the terrible environments children grow up in. Despite my inner turmoil, I KNOW I would provide an awesome home for a child! Secondly, I am a Developmental Specialist, thus I know everything there is to know about child development. I work with families who have children with developmental delays and love my job because I see such awesome results. If I had a child, I would do everything possible to provide him/her with an environment conducive to ensuring their cognitive, motor, social emotional, language, and self-help developmental milestones were reached. Since I am a health freak, I would do my best to ensure they have a healthy diet and receive optimal "non-western" medical care. I also want to raise a child to know and love Jesus. In this unfortunate world, so many children grow up with no role models or values, creating irresponsible and corrupt adults. I feel like I am writing an essay... In addition, my child would not be spoiled, but have everything he/she needs. I just want a chance to use my expertise and knowledge on my own child for once! It seems so unfair to work with kids every day and to never come home to my own. I am asked on a daily basis if I have kids, and I give the same reply, "no, I don't have kids yet, but I have dogs...". Swell!!!
I feel like not opening up my home to a child in need and only thinking about myself, is being selfish! I do not feel I was put on this Earth to obtain the most I can for myself, at the expense of those around me. I am here to contribute as a good steward, with what I've been given. I know I'm not perfect, but who is? Leaving G, because I have days when I feel fickle, and am not sure what I want, is selfish. G is good to me, he never asks me to do anything. He provides me with all the material things I need, and even meets my emotional and physical needs on occasion. If I bring something to his attention, he usually addresses it in his own time. I often wonder if I left G, would I think about him the way I do about J? I think we as humans can be so easily caught up in what we don't have, instead of being grateful for the things we do have. I know I am guilty, at least in my blog posts, because this is my place to vent about all the bad and crap in my life. I rarely write about the good. I definitely have more days that I don't need to write than days I need to vent.
Maybe wanting a child is selfish? I just feel I could offer a better home than 85% of people in the world. If everyone waited until their life was perfect to have children the world would quickly be on it's way to extinction.
On the other hand, staying with G is easier. I'm really not that unhappy with our relationship. I honestly don't think I could have a better relationship with someone else after 8 years. I still think about what it would be like to have a life with someone else, but honestly don't think it would be any better. At first, it might seem exciting and great, but as time goes on relationships change. Maybe fear is holding me back? I need structure and security, not uncertainty in my life. Leaving G means complete disruption of everything I know. I wouldn't know where to start? I've honestly never lived by myself or had to survive on my own before. I went from living with my parents to living with G, after we were married.
I think if all of us processed all of our emotions at once, instead of when we were ready, the world would be in turmoil! I am processing my emotions one day at a time, little by little. I know my limitations and boundaries, thus I try to maintain homeostasis, while working through all the crap in my life. My responses may be different in a day or two, once I have time to process Graeme's comments more. By the way...I love yoga, I go twice a week now.
I just read Graeme's last comment and I really appreciate honest opinions; something I can't get in my daily life, because know one knows all the crap going on inside my head except my blog readers, or they are afraid of offending me. I think if we actually knew what was going on in the minds of our friends or coworkers, we would be utterly shocked!!! I can guarantee most people are a lot more screwed up than I am. Graeme thought I would take his comments personally or possibly be offended, but I am not at all. Hell, if we knew each other maybe I would go have a drink with him to get an honest, non-judgemental opinion! I feel in my heart what I would like to do, but I'm not a risk taker. I like to play life safe and comfortable. This seems to be the theme of my relationship with G; because I couldn't bear any more heartbreak I stayed with G, good or bad.
To answer Graeme's question about why I want to be a mother so badly? First, I spent time working for Child Protective Services, so I know some of the terrible environments children grow up in. Despite my inner turmoil, I KNOW I would provide an awesome home for a child! Secondly, I am a Developmental Specialist, thus I know everything there is to know about child development. I work with families who have children with developmental delays and love my job because I see such awesome results. If I had a child, I would do everything possible to provide him/her with an environment conducive to ensuring their cognitive, motor, social emotional, language, and self-help developmental milestones were reached. Since I am a health freak, I would do my best to ensure they have a healthy diet and receive optimal "non-western" medical care. I also want to raise a child to know and love Jesus. In this unfortunate world, so many children grow up with no role models or values, creating irresponsible and corrupt adults. I feel like I am writing an essay... In addition, my child would not be spoiled, but have everything he/she needs. I just want a chance to use my expertise and knowledge on my own child for once! It seems so unfair to work with kids every day and to never come home to my own. I am asked on a daily basis if I have kids, and I give the same reply, "no, I don't have kids yet, but I have dogs...". Swell!!!
I feel like not opening up my home to a child in need and only thinking about myself, is being selfish! I do not feel I was put on this Earth to obtain the most I can for myself, at the expense of those around me. I am here to contribute as a good steward, with what I've been given. I know I'm not perfect, but who is? Leaving G, because I have days when I feel fickle, and am not sure what I want, is selfish. G is good to me, he never asks me to do anything. He provides me with all the material things I need, and even meets my emotional and physical needs on occasion. If I bring something to his attention, he usually addresses it in his own time. I often wonder if I left G, would I think about him the way I do about J? I think we as humans can be so easily caught up in what we don't have, instead of being grateful for the things we do have. I know I am guilty, at least in my blog posts, because this is my place to vent about all the bad and crap in my life. I rarely write about the good. I definitely have more days that I don't need to write than days I need to vent.
Maybe wanting a child is selfish? I just feel I could offer a better home than 85% of people in the world. If everyone waited until their life was perfect to have children the world would quickly be on it's way to extinction.
On the other hand, staying with G is easier. I'm really not that unhappy with our relationship. I honestly don't think I could have a better relationship with someone else after 8 years. I still think about what it would be like to have a life with someone else, but honestly don't think it would be any better. At first, it might seem exciting and great, but as time goes on relationships change. Maybe fear is holding me back? I need structure and security, not uncertainty in my life. Leaving G means complete disruption of everything I know. I wouldn't know where to start? I've honestly never lived by myself or had to survive on my own before. I went from living with my parents to living with G, after we were married.
I think if all of us processed all of our emotions at once, instead of when we were ready, the world would be in turmoil! I am processing my emotions one day at a time, little by little. I know my limitations and boundaries, thus I try to maintain homeostasis, while working through all the crap in my life. My responses may be different in a day or two, once I have time to process Graeme's comments more. By the way...I love yoga, I go twice a week now.
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