There Will Be a Day
I believe we've all experienced a moment in life where the sum appears greater than the sum of the parts- unfathomable, and overwhelming. How could one possibly achieve this feat that seems impossible as a whole, yet I find myself wondering every minute of the day if I can make it one more step, one more appointment, one more day? Mornings are the worst, when I feel as if I were ran over by a train; every muscle aches, and each movement reminds me of how exhausted I am, I wonder how I can possibly even get out of bed and begin the day?
Last week I went to the specialist's office who has me scheduled for an appointment mid-May. I dropped off my paperwork and medical records and explained that I couldn't wait until May. I explained the new developments and she said "oh, we can see you Feb. 10th if you can be here at 6:30 am." I took the appointment and was amazed that my persistence paid off and I was able to get in 3 months sooner. She said I may still have to wait just as long for surgery though. My latest urinalysis tests came back with blood and high white blood cells still, yet no infection or bacteria. For once they will have to agree that I do not have a damn infection now that I have proof. I also had blood testing last week to check for cancer markers. I am assuming the results, as my doctor called today stating she received my labs and needs me to come in ASAP. I asked for her to tell me on the phone, because I can't get in until Thursday. Now I will be wondering until then why she wants me to come it. It can't be that big of a deal, because the test isn't that accurate and biopsy is the only sure way to tell. Now my doctors are thinking I may also have a rheumatalogical disease as well such as rheumatoid arthritis, lupus, etc, since I feel so bad and run down in the mornings and I responded positively to cortisone. Yet, it isn't working anymore? Do I have to keep taking larger and larger doses just to get through the day? When will it end, or do I have to live on more and more meds with more side effects for the rest of my life, that never fully quell the pain?
I should be working, but our tech person thinks it is a great idea to run network updates on our busiest days of the week, when we need to get onto the servers after 6 pm! I didn't even get home until 6, and still have at least 5 hours of paperwork and reports to write.
I think I've entered into a new mentality this week. I wish I could recall all my thoughts during my listless nights. It seems I start to cry as I lay my head on the pillow and can't stop my mind from racing, from thinking about what I am ready for. I will preface by stating that I am not suicidal or depressed (that I know). However, I am ready to go, to leave this body behind. I believe in Jesus and heaven, but even if for some reason I have falsely believed and this life is it, as some would say, I am still ready. I feel such a peace about going, yet I feel I have some unfinished business to attend to with my family. I have letters to write and arrangements to make so they aren't left wondering or with messes to attend. I want them to know the words to the song below and play it at my funeral, so they will know it finally means a peace for me and an end to the pain that I was never able to find in this life.
In college I took classes on death and dying and read that people often talk about death nonchalantly as if they somehow know the end is near, prior to it's occurrence. I can finally understand what this truly meant. I have been thinking about what I would say to family and friends in the letters I would leave behind for them to find. I have even thought about the words I would like to say to those attending my funeral. Maybe I am selfish in wanting this so badly, but I don't think many can fathom the pain I have been living with for so long. I am tired and have lived long enough to experience life, that I personally consider hell. It has reached the point that I no longer feel alive, aside from the pain and weakness that constantly remind me of my frailty. Each day and night, I find myself praying for the end to come. I know one day they will realize that it was for the best, for them and myself. They don't need to be burdened with my pain and suffering, or as in G, to feel trapped in this terrible situation. He doesn't make me feel as such, yet I know he would be so much better off without me.
I wonder if someone can will themselves to not return from a surgery or to just not wake up from sleep? For now I am leaving it up to God, yet making it clear that I am ready! I will make my preparations, being the responsible person that I have to be so I can leave with no unfinished business. I've already mentioned to G that I want to be cremated and spread at my favorite places, the lake in MT, the Caribbean, my home. Is it unfair to ask someone to spread your ashes? Is it weird to ask family members to spread them at their favorite places or where their favorite memories of us are? I personally think it may be important for healing so in some way I can still be with them where we shared fond memories. However a friend shared her experience with her mother's ashes and it sounded like more of a burden than a healing opportunity.
Last week I went to the specialist's office who has me scheduled for an appointment mid-May. I dropped off my paperwork and medical records and explained that I couldn't wait until May. I explained the new developments and she said "oh, we can see you Feb. 10th if you can be here at 6:30 am." I took the appointment and was amazed that my persistence paid off and I was able to get in 3 months sooner. She said I may still have to wait just as long for surgery though. My latest urinalysis tests came back with blood and high white blood cells still, yet no infection or bacteria. For once they will have to agree that I do not have a damn infection now that I have proof. I also had blood testing last week to check for cancer markers. I am assuming the results, as my doctor called today stating she received my labs and needs me to come in ASAP. I asked for her to tell me on the phone, because I can't get in until Thursday. Now I will be wondering until then why she wants me to come it. It can't be that big of a deal, because the test isn't that accurate and biopsy is the only sure way to tell. Now my doctors are thinking I may also have a rheumatalogical disease as well such as rheumatoid arthritis, lupus, etc, since I feel so bad and run down in the mornings and I responded positively to cortisone. Yet, it isn't working anymore? Do I have to keep taking larger and larger doses just to get through the day? When will it end, or do I have to live on more and more meds with more side effects for the rest of my life, that never fully quell the pain?
I should be working, but our tech person thinks it is a great idea to run network updates on our busiest days of the week, when we need to get onto the servers after 6 pm! I didn't even get home until 6, and still have at least 5 hours of paperwork and reports to write.
I think I've entered into a new mentality this week. I wish I could recall all my thoughts during my listless nights. It seems I start to cry as I lay my head on the pillow and can't stop my mind from racing, from thinking about what I am ready for. I will preface by stating that I am not suicidal or depressed (that I know). However, I am ready to go, to leave this body behind. I believe in Jesus and heaven, but even if for some reason I have falsely believed and this life is it, as some would say, I am still ready. I feel such a peace about going, yet I feel I have some unfinished business to attend to with my family. I have letters to write and arrangements to make so they aren't left wondering or with messes to attend. I want them to know the words to the song below and play it at my funeral, so they will know it finally means a peace for me and an end to the pain that I was never able to find in this life.
In college I took classes on death and dying and read that people often talk about death nonchalantly as if they somehow know the end is near, prior to it's occurrence. I can finally understand what this truly meant. I have been thinking about what I would say to family and friends in the letters I would leave behind for them to find. I have even thought about the words I would like to say to those attending my funeral. Maybe I am selfish in wanting this so badly, but I don't think many can fathom the pain I have been living with for so long. I am tired and have lived long enough to experience life, that I personally consider hell. It has reached the point that I no longer feel alive, aside from the pain and weakness that constantly remind me of my frailty. Each day and night, I find myself praying for the end to come. I know one day they will realize that it was for the best, for them and myself. They don't need to be burdened with my pain and suffering, or as in G, to feel trapped in this terrible situation. He doesn't make me feel as such, yet I know he would be so much better off without me.
I wonder if someone can will themselves to not return from a surgery or to just not wake up from sleep? For now I am leaving it up to God, yet making it clear that I am ready! I will make my preparations, being the responsible person that I have to be so I can leave with no unfinished business. I've already mentioned to G that I want to be cremated and spread at my favorite places, the lake in MT, the Caribbean, my home. Is it unfair to ask someone to spread your ashes? Is it weird to ask family members to spread them at their favorite places or where their favorite memories of us are? I personally think it may be important for healing so in some way I can still be with them where we shared fond memories. However a friend shared her experience with her mother's ashes and it sounded like more of a burden than a healing opportunity.
There Will Be A Day (Jeremy Camp)
I try to hold on to this world with everything I have
But I feel the weight of what it brings, and the hurt that trys to grab
The many trials that seem to never end, His word declares this truth,
that we will enter in this rest with wonders anew
But I hold on to this hope and the promise that He brings
That there will be a place with no more suffering
There will be a day with no more tears, no more pain, and no more fears
There will be a day when the burdens of this place, will be no more, we’ll see Jesus face to face
But until that day, we’ll hold on to you always
I know the journey seems so long
You feel your walking on your own
But there has never been a step
Where you’ve walked out all alone
Troubled soul don’t lose your heart
Cause joy and peace he brings
And the beauty that’s in store
Outweighs the hurt of life’s sting
I can’t wait until that day where the very one I’ve lived for always will wipe away the sorrow that I’ve faced
To touch the scars that rescued me from a life of shame and misery this is why this is why I sing….
There will be a day with no more tears, no more pain, and no more fears
There will be a day when the burdens of this place, will be no more, we’ll see Jesus face to face
There will be a day, He’ll wipe away the stains, He’ll wipe away the tears, He’ll wipe away the tears…..there will be a day.
I try to hold on to this world with everything I have
But I feel the weight of what it brings, and the hurt that trys to grab
The many trials that seem to never end, His word declares this truth,
that we will enter in this rest with wonders anew
But I hold on to this hope and the promise that He brings
That there will be a place with no more suffering
There will be a day with no more tears, no more pain, and no more fears
There will be a day when the burdens of this place, will be no more, we’ll see Jesus face to face
But until that day, we’ll hold on to you always
I know the journey seems so long
You feel your walking on your own
But there has never been a step
Where you’ve walked out all alone
Troubled soul don’t lose your heart
Cause joy and peace he brings
And the beauty that’s in store
Outweighs the hurt of life’s sting
I can’t wait until that day where the very one I’ve lived for always will wipe away the sorrow that I’ve faced
To touch the scars that rescued me from a life of shame and misery this is why this is why I sing….
There will be a day with no more tears, no more pain, and no more fears
There will be a day when the burdens of this place, will be no more, we’ll see Jesus face to face
There will be a day, He’ll wipe away the stains, He’ll wipe away the tears, He’ll wipe away the tears…..there will be a day.
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