How Much Longer?

Well it seems this week is ending the same way it began with pain. I've been in pain for at least 2 weeks straight now with no relief. I think so much pain can mentally break someone. I can't recall the last time I felt like this, but I believe it was in college. I have been crying almost all day, every day this week. I feel so hopeless and as if there is nothing left to look forward to, except for more pain. I was able to get my records from my ER visit and read through them. I don't understand half of the things noted about my blood work and urine and haven't been able to contact my doctor. I filled my prescription for antibiotics yesterday and started them last night. If I have a so called "bladder infection" as they thought, then I suppose they will help clear it up. I am pissed because now I am killing all the healthy bacteria I built up for the last 2 years. I haven't even been sick since this spring and I ALWAYS get sick after antibiotics, plus a fun yeast infection.
It seems that I have a retroverted uterus, meaning it is up  against my spine instead of laying horizontally. This can cause more pain and complications. My right ovary is twice the size of my left one and has a complex, dominant cyst measuring as large as the left ovary. Both ovaries are covered in cysts. I haven't got the results from my ultrasound 2 months ago to see if the cyst has grown since then. I know that 2 years ago my right ovary was not enlarged and my uterus was half as large. I feel like I have no hope of ever being out of pain. Nothing I do can stop the endometriosis from wrecking havoc in my body and destroying more organs. There is no cure and complete hysterectomies don't stop it from growing elsewhere in the body. I am praying I can find an endometriosis specialist in my area that my insurance covers. I've read that some will not stop until they find all the visible endometriosis instead of giving up like my last surgeon. I was told a urologist should be on call to complete bladder reconstruction if necessary. I want to fight this, but feel like I am facing an impossible force. But, it will still grow back!
All of the events in the last few months have also made me  face the reality that I will probably NEVER have a biological child. I have always held some hope that it could happen with a miracle some day, but it isn't possible with my ovaries destroyed and non-functioning. I want to scream, "this isn't fair!", when I know life never is. Part of me is hoping I have ovarian cancer so I can die quickly instead of living a slow painful life.
G told me to stop worrying about everything that I have to do, and tells me he will help. Yet he didn't and has the mentality that it doesn't matter if it gets done or not, thus, I have to do everything myself! The only time I am not a mess is when I am working, which has been over 90 hours this week!
I found this info from an article on complex ovarian cysts:
"Complex ovarian cyst is the type of cyst, which is composed of solid as well as liquid components. They unlike the other forms of cysts can also be fatal if they are left untreated for long. Complex ovarian cysts can also lead to severe pain and general discomfort that can be aggravated depending on the intensity of the condition. Complex ovarian cyst comes to light during routine medical check up, or mostly when women start experiencing all the symptoms of ovarian cyst accompanied mostly with a severe kind of pain and discomfort. The treatment for the complex ovarian cyst also depends primarily on the type of cyst it is. Basically, there are three types of complex ovarian cysts."

"(2) Endometrioma:   Endometriosis can lead to endometrioma, which usually results in the growth of this cyst outside the uterus. This type of cyst can lead to many complications in and around ovaries and hence, it should be addressed immediately.

(3) Cystadenomas: These cysts are composed of liquid and mucus. These cysts can be very large and are usually very painful. They can also twist upon themselves and are therefore associated with excruciating pain and discomfort. "

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