Point of no Return
What happens during that period of time between uncertainty and certainty, ignorance and awareness, denial and reality? Once the knowledge is obtained it can change life forever; that point of no return. When the option to choose sides arises, where is it better to stand in the end when the outcome remains the same? I feel that I could be approaching that point where everything could change. It would almost be a relief to have a definite answer for once and definite outcome, an end.
Part of me wants to fight, the other wants to give up. It has been a long and painful run. Do I tell my loved ones before the prognosis is known to spare them of any unnecessary concern? Why am I not upset? Am I in denial: "it can't happen to me", "I'm too young"; or feeling peace that it could be an end to the suffering, maybe a secret answer to prayer?
As it stands I still can't get into see the doctor until Feb 5th. I doubt she can help me. I have another appointment with a specialist for May 12th, but don't know if I can or should wait that long under the circumstances. He is world renowned in his field and has been recommended to my by 3 people now. My friends said they would help me call every day to try to get in sooner. I saw three medical professionals yesterday and they said I would be hard pressed to find a specialist who has experience with a case as severe and complex as mine. I quote, "you have pressed the boundaries of what modern medicine can do". My 1 hour appointment quickly turned into 2 hours and I feel someone was honest with me for once instead of skating around the issues. After reviewing my last lab work and my radiology reports, they informed me of a few revelations. First, I guess I am anemic. However, this is not the food induced, lack of iron anemia. Evidently it is caused by chronic illness and prolonged internal bleeding. Second, someone finally told me what the implications of a complex dominant ovarian cyst imply. As of August both ovaries were determined to be of an appropriate size, yet in 4 months the right side became enlarged, 2x the size! I went from having 2 large hemorrhagic cysts to the complex dominant one, with several others. Evidently, the newly reported cyst has a high propensity to ovarian cancer. If that is true, what happens when I have to wait another 5 months to see a specialist? They suggested running some additional tests to check for cancer markers, but I don't think I can get a definitive answer unless they take a biopsy. Until this point, no one else seemed to be overly concerned. Now I feel bombarded by all this info. Why hasn't this been found sooner? Why aren't doctors doing their jobs? Why is this the first I am hearing of this possibility and anemia? I guess in the case of ovarian cancer it doesn't really matter what stage or point it is detected, it seems to have the same prognosis.
What would you do if you were given a death sentence much sooner than expected? Each breath we grow closer to death, what are you doing about it?
Part of me wants to fight, the other wants to give up. It has been a long and painful run. Do I tell my loved ones before the prognosis is known to spare them of any unnecessary concern? Why am I not upset? Am I in denial: "it can't happen to me", "I'm too young"; or feeling peace that it could be an end to the suffering, maybe a secret answer to prayer?
As it stands I still can't get into see the doctor until Feb 5th. I doubt she can help me. I have another appointment with a specialist for May 12th, but don't know if I can or should wait that long under the circumstances. He is world renowned in his field and has been recommended to my by 3 people now. My friends said they would help me call every day to try to get in sooner. I saw three medical professionals yesterday and they said I would be hard pressed to find a specialist who has experience with a case as severe and complex as mine. I quote, "you have pressed the boundaries of what modern medicine can do". My 1 hour appointment quickly turned into 2 hours and I feel someone was honest with me for once instead of skating around the issues. After reviewing my last lab work and my radiology reports, they informed me of a few revelations. First, I guess I am anemic. However, this is not the food induced, lack of iron anemia. Evidently it is caused by chronic illness and prolonged internal bleeding. Second, someone finally told me what the implications of a complex dominant ovarian cyst imply. As of August both ovaries were determined to be of an appropriate size, yet in 4 months the right side became enlarged, 2x the size! I went from having 2 large hemorrhagic cysts to the complex dominant one, with several others. Evidently, the newly reported cyst has a high propensity to ovarian cancer. If that is true, what happens when I have to wait another 5 months to see a specialist? They suggested running some additional tests to check for cancer markers, but I don't think I can get a definitive answer unless they take a biopsy. Until this point, no one else seemed to be overly concerned. Now I feel bombarded by all this info. Why hasn't this been found sooner? Why aren't doctors doing their jobs? Why is this the first I am hearing of this possibility and anemia? I guess in the case of ovarian cancer it doesn't really matter what stage or point it is detected, it seems to have the same prognosis.
What would you do if you were given a death sentence much sooner than expected? Each breath we grow closer to death, what are you doing about it?
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