Disappointment and Dilemma
I've been thinking about this post for the last 5 days and haven't been able to steal away to write. On Tuesday, we were contacted by an agency that said they read our home study and have a child they feel we would be great candidates to adopt. I felt my heart flutter with excitement as I dreamed of the possibilities, as this was the exact scenario I had dreamed of and prayed for...so I thought. I emailed the case worker back to get more info. I couldn't wait to get home to see if she responded back. As I opened the attachment I had not even the faintest idea of the immense dilemma we would face. My immediate response was, "How could this be? Really? (tears) We are considered good candidates? How?, (tears & more tears), How?, This wasn't what I was expecting. How can life be so unfair?, No, no, not in a million years!". I then forwarded the message on to G and asked what he thought, stating "I say "no""!
I assumed he would respond the same way, this man I knew who tended to run from trials. When he responded back I was not prepared and felt shocked! Again, how could this man I lost much respect for respond in such a level headed and mature way? "Why hadn't I thought of that?" To my surprise, G suggested we take time to pray about the situation and give ourselves ample time to think through the possibilities. Fear began to well up inside as I knew my heart would begin to soften as I gave myself more time to think. I didn't want to think, I didn't want my heart to soften, and I did not want this responsibility. I am not prepared or strong enough to do this.
One year ago I recall where G and I were with our adoption process. We were vaguely pondering the thought of adopting a perfectly healthy baby, the same race as us. When we were approached with a child in CPS with a different race we thought, "Seriously? We couldn't". It was if that was the start of our journey to accepting more possibilities, we then began to consider all races and children up to 9 years old with minor issues.
Before we even applied for our home study, we asked our families about their feelings on various options for adoption, such as special needs, age, race, etc. Every person we talked to sounded so optimistic, open, and accepting.
I wasn't prepared for the response when I called my mom to share the exciting, yet tumultuous news with. She of all people would understand and give me some direction. Throughout my entire life, I've looked up to my mom with the utmost respect. I viewed her as a strong Christian full of reason and love. When I told her the history of this child we were considering and diligently praying for guidance on she seemed shocked. The next day I received an email from her stating she talked to a Christian friend who works with people with extreme issues. Evidently, she knew a woman who adopted 4 kids from foster care and now describes her life as a living hell! My mom said that this woman said "run, and say absolutely "no", just run!". I believe these were also my mom's thoughts. In some way I think she wants to protect me from the heartache and struggles we will face if we choose to go down this road. However, what kind of Christian attitude is that! As a Christian I do not let fear rule my decisions, nor run from situations just because they will be difficult. I signed up for something more. No where in the bible does it suggest to take the easy way, nor accept Christ and life will be a breeze with no trials. It actually says the opposite, but also says that God will never give us more than we can bear. I am so disappointed in the one person I thought I would have support from. How could she do this? How could someone place the blame on an innocent child and say they don't deserve a good home because of the travesties done to them. I really need to confront her on this, because that is the opposite of a loving attitude. I just never expected if from her. I did tell her to keep her mouth shut and not spread the details of the specific things that have happened to this child. If we do decide to pursue adoption, I don't want the rest of our families shunning this poor child.
I've been an emotional wreck all week. I wonder if we are equipped with the knowledge we need to handle a therapeutic placement. I can see us being a good home that can provide acceptance, love, boundaries, a setting for healing, and consistency. However, I don't want to act irrationally, as I must be ok with the worst possibilities. Honestly, we expected to be contacted about a baby or toddler, not an 8 year old girl with a history of sexual abuse, physical and emotional abuse, and neglect. She also has ADHD, but does well in school. She loves pets and hopes to have one of her own some day. As I read the details and every time I think about them tears are brought to my eyes. She was in a placement with her sister, but they were separated because she was acting out sexually and her older sister was physically abusing her. She will need to resume visits w/ her sister. She also has a history of peeing around the house, on furniture, and on clothes and blankets that she hides. I think the peeing and sexual abuse are the scariest factors for me, because I have no experience dealing with sexual abuse or an 8 year old who chooses not to pee in the toilet. I am so torn. I know the right thing to do would be to give her a chance, yet is this the path we should take? I don't have a clear answer and wish I did. I have to hope that if we are to move forward, we would gain the tools we needed to help this child develop healthy views of relationships instead of the abusive views she knows and expects. I would also want to ask her how she felt about having parents who are a different race and if she even wants to be adopted. I certainly wouldn't advocate for something she wasn't comfortable with. I just hope we make the right decision. I know the easy decision would be so say "no", but I didn't sign up for adoption and think it would be easy on any account.
I assumed he would respond the same way, this man I knew who tended to run from trials. When he responded back I was not prepared and felt shocked! Again, how could this man I lost much respect for respond in such a level headed and mature way? "Why hadn't I thought of that?" To my surprise, G suggested we take time to pray about the situation and give ourselves ample time to think through the possibilities. Fear began to well up inside as I knew my heart would begin to soften as I gave myself more time to think. I didn't want to think, I didn't want my heart to soften, and I did not want this responsibility. I am not prepared or strong enough to do this.
One year ago I recall where G and I were with our adoption process. We were vaguely pondering the thought of adopting a perfectly healthy baby, the same race as us. When we were approached with a child in CPS with a different race we thought, "Seriously? We couldn't". It was if that was the start of our journey to accepting more possibilities, we then began to consider all races and children up to 9 years old with minor issues.
Before we even applied for our home study, we asked our families about their feelings on various options for adoption, such as special needs, age, race, etc. Every person we talked to sounded so optimistic, open, and accepting.
I wasn't prepared for the response when I called my mom to share the exciting, yet tumultuous news with. She of all people would understand and give me some direction. Throughout my entire life, I've looked up to my mom with the utmost respect. I viewed her as a strong Christian full of reason and love. When I told her the history of this child we were considering and diligently praying for guidance on she seemed shocked. The next day I received an email from her stating she talked to a Christian friend who works with people with extreme issues. Evidently, she knew a woman who adopted 4 kids from foster care and now describes her life as a living hell! My mom said that this woman said "run, and say absolutely "no", just run!". I believe these were also my mom's thoughts. In some way I think she wants to protect me from the heartache and struggles we will face if we choose to go down this road. However, what kind of Christian attitude is that! As a Christian I do not let fear rule my decisions, nor run from situations just because they will be difficult. I signed up for something more. No where in the bible does it suggest to take the easy way, nor accept Christ and life will be a breeze with no trials. It actually says the opposite, but also says that God will never give us more than we can bear. I am so disappointed in the one person I thought I would have support from. How could she do this? How could someone place the blame on an innocent child and say they don't deserve a good home because of the travesties done to them. I really need to confront her on this, because that is the opposite of a loving attitude. I just never expected if from her. I did tell her to keep her mouth shut and not spread the details of the specific things that have happened to this child. If we do decide to pursue adoption, I don't want the rest of our families shunning this poor child.
I've been an emotional wreck all week. I wonder if we are equipped with the knowledge we need to handle a therapeutic placement. I can see us being a good home that can provide acceptance, love, boundaries, a setting for healing, and consistency. However, I don't want to act irrationally, as I must be ok with the worst possibilities. Honestly, we expected to be contacted about a baby or toddler, not an 8 year old girl with a history of sexual abuse, physical and emotional abuse, and neglect. She also has ADHD, but does well in school. She loves pets and hopes to have one of her own some day. As I read the details and every time I think about them tears are brought to my eyes. She was in a placement with her sister, but they were separated because she was acting out sexually and her older sister was physically abusing her. She will need to resume visits w/ her sister. She also has a history of peeing around the house, on furniture, and on clothes and blankets that she hides. I think the peeing and sexual abuse are the scariest factors for me, because I have no experience dealing with sexual abuse or an 8 year old who chooses not to pee in the toilet. I am so torn. I know the right thing to do would be to give her a chance, yet is this the path we should take? I don't have a clear answer and wish I did. I have to hope that if we are to move forward, we would gain the tools we needed to help this child develop healthy views of relationships instead of the abusive views she knows and expects. I would also want to ask her how she felt about having parents who are a different race and if she even wants to be adopted. I certainly wouldn't advocate for something she wasn't comfortable with. I just hope we make the right decision. I know the easy decision would be so say "no", but I didn't sign up for adoption and think it would be easy on any account.
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