False Hopes...
I am shaking as I write this, as I am irate with G. He has been gone all weekend, then when he comes home he picks a fight with me. I don't even know what the hell he is so pissed off about, I wish I knew. He insists I don't respect him, which I don't, but demands I do. I at least have the decency to listen to him talk for an hour, (I would say the longest he has talked to me in the last 2 months combined), without interrupting him. I then say two words, "Well I..." and he basically tells me, "shut up you f...ing B...h, you disgust me, I hate you, go to hell, your just making excuses, don't talk to me, get your fat ass out of the way, the conversation is OVER". I'd honestly love to know why or what that was about, or is it really his own personal issue that he is so great at reversing to blame me? It really is BS! I think there are several issues and I don't even know where to start, as I might be here for several hours. So everything he despises in other people expalins exactly how he acted. He can't believe people would call their significant other fat, or any derogatory word, and I'm not even fat! He is the one who has the fat ass, yet do I tell him?
My proposed issues that started his outburst:
- I don't worship the ground he walks on and praise and award him for everything he does, because everyone else notices all he does and thinks he is the greatest, and so should I. I could applaud him for acting like an immature 2 year old!
- He told me about a woman coming on to him at the bar when he was out of town and wondered why? I told him that being super friendly, understanding, helpful, overly accommodating, etc. to women can send the same message as a woman wearing sultry clothing and being incredibly flirty with a man. He refuses to believe this could be true and insists that he treats everyone the same, although he does none of the above for me or men. I mentioned that I was careful not to get too comfortable in conversation with a man or wear revealing clothing, or become flirtatious, because I also don't want other wives or girlfriends to worry that I might be hitting on or trying to get their guy. He just doesn't get that other men my feel the same way about his actions towards their significant others. He told me yesterday that he and other guys went to the neighbors and everyone ignored Jn (neighbors wife). He went over and asked how she was doing, if there was anything he could do for her, like the dishes; later she said she was going to get a drink of water, and he told her to sit since she works too hard, and he will get it for her. I could just imagine his reaction if a male neighbor came over and did the exact thing he did to me. He doesn't even wash the dishes at home! Somehow he doesn't think he treats women differently and that this behavior will NOT send the wrong message. From a woman's perspective- it sure the hell does! I almost wonder if he does it on purpose to piss me off?
- Our cable was turned off last week and since we have an old TV, we didn't get any channels because we didn't get a converter box. I told him what a great thing it could be that we didn't have TV, because then we wouldn't waste our time watching nothing when we could be doing something instead or even have a conversation for once. Here is G's typical day: Get up for work, turn on TV. Go to work, come home, sit on couch, turn on TV, fall asleep on couch watching TV, go to bed, repeat. I think I may be generous saying that we have probably had maybe 2 conversations 5-10 minutes long in the last 3 months. I suggested that we try going a month without TV. Well the next day G calls to say he purchased a converter box. All I could think was, "are you kidding me? Seriously!" He couldn't even go ONE day without it. Several times I have tried to explain how the TV was/is hurting our relationship, but G cuts me off and starts belittling me. I feel like he is choosing TV over our relationship and saying it is more important. He doesn't need to say it, because that is exactly what his actions say, which I feel speak so much louder than words. When the TV is on we NEVER talk. I refuse to compete with the television and don't even try to talk over it. Well, the TV is ALWAYS on when G is home. It was so nice to have G gone this weekend, because I didn't even turn it on once. Usually on the weekend his ass only leaves the couch to eat and take care of business. He wasn't home for more than 5 minutes before it was on for the rest of the day. It honestly makes me sick. I can understand watching a few shows, but having the TV on to watch nothing or to watch shows he doesn't even follow doesn't make sense. And, we were just talking about how men seem to have a greater need to get their physical needs met, while women have a greater need for emotional needs. Well, my emotional or physical needs can't be met when he is glued to the TV 24/7! How dense does he have to be? He is exactly like his friend whom he despises for being cocky and too full of pride to see the answers right in front of him. I just want to cry because I feel like I am in a dead end, hopeless relationship, but I am too angry.
I wonder what the hell he was doing at the bar w/o me anyway, then talking to another woman? He said he was telling her about me and our adoption plans, but she came onto him anyway. I'm sure that is the whole story, poor, innocent G (as always)!
After meeting with my girl friends this weekend, I realized that every relationship inherently brings up the same issues to a different degree. I am not naive enough to believe that running from this one will magically solve all my issues. The question is, how do I deal with the ones I have? Are the issues beyond what I am willing to tolerate? I know it isn't the best attitude, but I so wish I could get revenge. I am so pissed at G. I want to make him SEE how I feel and how the choices he is making are leaving doors opened that should be locked.
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